blue...

Too many of my innocent sweet friends are in jail... too many things that brake, to much money going down the drain or down your throat. Too much time wasted on hold, too much time wasted on us, on thinking, on being scared, on what is lost, on wishing, and watching things slip by and through your fingers it went and and and and ...
These people doing things to other people and people and people and people that are in my way.
Who am i? someone good actually. someone too good.
im tired.
i dont know whats going to happen... if it were up to me it would all be better. i love a lot of things, i dont mean to be so pessimistic but i have my moments. i try. i dnt try hard enough obviously. i watch things go by and actually following through with an idea is harder than simply thinking it. I see a lot of cool things! I see a lot of pretty things that attract me and I try to keep looking there and re fueling my little brain with the things that motivate me to think in that direction. for instance this keyboard... its cool i can press these little buttons and get these letters which are the communication, my thoughts... watching them "slip through my fingers" as well :) i was thinking about whipped cream today... i dont know why but its so airy and fluffy and white and tastes so good and we made it! its sexy. its yummy, its sweet and i want it all over me right now. i know i sound absolutely crazy but i rather sound absolutely crazy than be the man who stole my phone yes, someone very hungry stole my phone. someone needed it i guess. some one took something that wasnt theirs and it happened to be MINE again. AGAIN. i am tired. i am tired of living in a world where these people around me exist...THOSE ppl, but u need the bad and ying yang and here we go! weeeeeeee!!!!!! yaaaayyyyyyyy!!!! horrrayyyyy... FUCK. Ive had a lot of help. ive talked to lots of people and seen lots of things and experienced what most people havent I swear. you wouldnt believe it. you wouldnt. i dont wana get into that though. i just dnt even know what i could possibly tell u to make things any easier.
im just another little person on this earth but i love this little earth but its just so HARD on me i dnt know why. my father is embarassed of me, thats the worst part. my mother loves me bc shes my mother, my brother is like as if he's an earthling and im an alien. my sister is the real alien bc shes just so perfect!

everybody is faced with challenges, and they dont end...ppl dnt have arms, or legs, ppl r drinking out of a swamp in etheopea (however its spelled) if u mix red and white and u wana get purple its your fault not the paint! its a constant battle. ppl dnt have parents who gave them anything, they live in the projects or are completely alone and have to work so much harder to even eat.

i feel so stupid complaining.

like so stupid.

like a stupid girl that cries over something so stupid

if they can do it i can too

my day just got turned around... very easily.
This girl just walked into the store and told me about SHELAC nailpolish... its supposedly a manicure u can get that actually lasts two weeks! I gota look into it.
She was the typical girl i want to ask a million questions to

Some other lady said she had everything in the store before the store even opened, she was pointing at everything and saying that she has it and that it was so weird that now we know all of her secrets. She had the most gorgeous watch on and handed me a black card when she bought some animal shot glasses. She was another typical lady I want to ask a million questions to. Like "how do you do it?" "how do you have it all so together n look so damn polished and just spend money the way you do so amazingly?" cuz i wana be her. i wana have perfect nails like i used to, i want that watch and that bag and that black card and not be the one swiping it but rather the one walking away with the shopping bag in my hand lol
ive been her. ive been happy. ive been sad. ive had better days, ive told u about them, ive said i wana die, ive thought it, ive meant it, but ive felt stupid about it too, what i suffer from, i wouldnt do it, i dont mean it anymore i have realized that the things that happen to me aren't normal but that when u mix pink and white u dont get purple so maybe i gota find the blue instead of sit here all blue about absolutely nothing.

AMEN.