SAME TEAM

 A screw loose, if I say so its worse. You will have to believe it and use it against me later but its just words... dont be so sure about the intention behind it. Have an open mind and give me the benefit of the doubt. Its my personal blog, Im not guaranteeing you some Picasso. I couldnt sleep. I have my reasons. I have good reasons, or so I think I do... I never talk about them or important stuff like who to vote for or what you should wear tomorrow. Id like to know what you have to do tomorrow so I can help you get there... its cuz my role as helping my man be a better man and me being more feminine is sorta based around the simplicity of this. I dont know what else I can do better. I believe its in my nature to make my man a better man and I might have "bad timing" or be sorta on the side of not so in control, not so normal... inspiring women must be like me... im not trying to be like this, I know I just am,,, its like the grooves in our brain,,, the ones that make certain things easier and other things harder,,, its bc we did them more or did them less,,, thats all it is. So Im me bc of an accumulation of things and acts that first of all led me here and then over and over I did the same or similar things to believe they were what I wanted to do and the more i did them the more they became a part of me and now the harder they will be to create a new groove or get accustomed to a new way. Its like I was a runner, a cross-country star and so going for a run now isnt as hard as it might be for others who didnt have those carved out grooves like the kind that become paths in the snow and so we see which way to go bc we can see other ppls marks even for instance. Its like all these things that not only we do but also we think, the ways in our mind and patterns we have created and now that we can see them its something we want to try and change but it gets more difficult over time. so we have to stay flexible, we have to be playful and change the patterns, the rhyths, the ways. we have to try to use our left hand sometimes and we have to notice when things get stressful what it is we do. Our triggers, our annoying repititions, its all we know! So the major point here is to be gentle with ourselves. we are our own loving parents. We are all we have, we are our biggest House keepers, we are our Gods, our disciples, our decision makers, and ultimately more than ANYTHING the ones who we fall back on. Im getting so much better at this btw... you should believe me when I say this too. I am the temple and the tone of my HOME, the real home, the vibration I am isnt something u can tell me its what I know and Im strong so its also how I internalize it for myself! Im better bc of the shit I have been through. I am through it. I am still alive, I sometimes still do think about "not being here" bc the way we have it is brutal, Im gona go ahead and admit it. I think so much can be more HUMAN, more kind, more easy, more SIMPLIFIED and so bc I see that it can and how we are being so complicated to our own selves or whatever I am just feeling it, knowing that it can be better, and if I suffer and feel so much and know that so so easily there IS a better way then it makes me like throw in the towel a bit,,, I throw a temper tantrum sometimes! I am speaking to a damn recorded voice who doesnt understand my issue and it frustrates the hell out of me bc there R glitches. And when so many of us need JOBS and they wana give us no option but a technology trap that takes up sooo much more time than an actual person would a person w perhaps EMPATHY, oh no she would not be hired. The person cant even help u once u reach one. its all a mistake, its all a joke, its all just a hurdle that took us almost a whole day or more to get passed. BUT WAIT, dont we need jobs? why are all the machines wasting SO much of our time? its not perfected yet and some form of human should come to the rescue for us more easily and when needed. This is when I say and think things like that I dont wana be here anymore and such... its not that i didnt mean it in the moment, its that its just a moment and thats maybe what im used to as the entitled spoiled brat that I am but guess hwat> what? I still have to face the same things and get passed them. I even laugh at myself, I even later regret what I did. thinking that Maybe one day I will act more maturely and less impulsively and be the grandious goddess me and everyone else needs me to become already. Then, I even go as far as to think that THIS is the reason I dont have children Yet, bc I am still a child. So I blame myself these super heavy Truths and truly believe them and so when it seems like im being nice to myself finally im actually Back at it again masacreing the finite beautiful moment from birth to death and around again and all I can say is, Im used to it! Some ppl have a really hard time w all of this and while they are trying to come around again im like in my padded gear disquised as an OWL in the tree seeing nocturnal and camoflaged and im coming to get you when you least expect it type shit bc I really dont quit, ever. Things that arent nice and try me are what keeps me up at night and if I have backup then I am ready. Its the weak Tammy that we come across that none of us like, but shes real and she takes balls to show. I want everything to be perfect, or be as close to it as possible. I love the mistakes but I have to like them. the way things feel, the fact that its always no matter what actually improving. but sometimes it hurts, life hurts and we should not be the one to hurt ourselves bc it will happen, we have to be ready. we have to be strong and we have to know that The Blame is like a ball we are juggling and some things are like a game. I dont regret what I have felt but maybe what I have done bc I could have done better. better to myslef and to others, i know that, its something im pretty sure about. The same way things in society arent perfect... the same. Ok Im going to rest now. I will try to be better and better and I hope you will too. Lets be on the same team. Love TAM