Expecting Greater Changes

Feeling like Ive been caught up in a trap. Like keeps showing me who I am, certain behaviors that arent me thinking straight, my better self. The shift isnt something im allowed to blame but when we have gone so far and we do want to raise the bar. Starting new doesnt have a picture yet and who am I fooling right? Ran a 5k today but didnt make any new connections or friends w anyone so i soon after left, crowd was young or in family. Not sure what to think of that. Feeling really detached, confused, lonely tonight. I want to be doing better and sure of my flow. Even my parents need me now and wonder if there is any better way for me to go about it. I keep going on but lifes material world is no longer satisfying. Im learning about a joy that outlasts it. But holding on to the past bc its all I have and how do I even let it all just go like that? Id miss it being something i can keep creating with but feels like i should prob brake free of it. Ask how i can be of service to our world, w a record they keep you distanced to be of help. Degrading me and making a waste of me. I deserve to learn more and be of greater service. Almost like I could be a full time care taker for my Father. Then it seems like I know everything feel jaded on my perspective bc its not a new one. 

Im spending time on things that may not bring me a financial boost any time soon. Feel like id love to get guidance but from who and how will anyone know for me its my life i must figure out. Recently ive made peace w the idea I may not be a parent bc its feeling like a lot for me to even get the hang of so its prob better i choose to free myself and travel and persue a cause to help. Alleviate. Find peace. Go deeper into spirituality and be able to have more time for it all, i think im ok w it-?!?! Love is all we need.