Happy girl here...

Nothing is Gona let me down anymore. I’m an expert by now, I think so... I’m working on the game of life... does everyone really have to deal w the same shit? I have my doubts. I have accumulated some great advice and perspectives by now. Meaning... to be great, greater, the greatest... We must see things from diff perspectives. I think I’ve always had a sort of NACK for that. NACK NACK patty WACK! Give a dog a bone! Oh! Roxy! Thank God for that saying! See! It brought be to this! To a place I wasn’t expecting to get to! And with my easy going TAMBO sense... I did. I’m ONLY who I am bc of all of humanity and the “priviledge” and experience and audacity and that comes w both PLEASURE & PAIN! I documented my pain  here mostly bc it was more interesting to me. Bc the happy go lucky act (never an act) was too busy doing just THAT! I have high standards. I am kind of fineky. I wish I was a cop. I will be a good hood cop, wheatjer u like it or not. Not the Grammar cop LOL hahaha we all have a lil cop tude to step up into. 

Like I said, I don’t think I even said it... it was telepathy... IM GANGSTAR. 

(I will slice u, so do not fuck w me) 

Did I write that?

I’ve lost a little teddy bear... his name is TRACK! 

I’ve lost Track ;)

Did I?

It’s great.

I Wana hug myself. I want to hug the system, the Universe, the energy of it all. Cure the water, the dreams. The basics be met. The sun on a leash, the anger extinguished, love to what power? What to choose to do here. 

I could use the right kind of energy guy vibe and love. I want to live and survive this place, 

(Unfinished)

It’s 10:41 it’s

It’s the time where I am... it’s a kiss when a heart shape  hits but the bottom of one is a peak and it kinda locks... like for furniture... like a T ... for golf. A spike. A cleat, I’m over it! Why doesn’t anybody listen LOL. (Sorry whoops, I wasn’t yelling.) I’ve been inspired by palm trees for some time. Idk what I’m afraid of. 

The shadows breathing on the curtains look sorta like elevators... up and down, but going nowhere... but have we made them go in diff ways yet? 

Don’t fuck w me. 

Modigliani would be my friend right now. What language? English ok. Or Spanish. I can speak some French but I feel sick thinking about it. I’m 

Wanting to play w an IPAD! We paid for it... I thought I was cool... I hate it... I just Wana live in a hammock spider web net that flies and it LIFTS MY BACK WHERE I NEED IT... it is a web that is technological... like a skate ramp but for travel, for the human design... for my back... for the bending of the letters... that WE WILLLL TALK ABOUT... And imagine ppl hanging upside down bc their shoes r locked... but swaying it... and upright bouncing and like idk... I’ve never thought of it... falling asleep is one reaction. With snow board boots on my feet can we hold on tight but lasso me? I’m so over trying to stay on a robot. I’m kinda pissed. Pissed off and trying to keep it in. Cops aren’t looking good cuz they r playing w fire but wait... I wouldn’t have gone through what I went through wo that craaaazy ass shit. But who?... what? The one who calls the cops is the one who gets the power... I have no idea I’m super in shock... wait a second that I see you at merry Christmas park? The Gravatron... the whole everything. But I’m from Miami Bitch! Spot! Spottidodie ... it’s a character... they sold the shit at these places and thats what I cared about guys. Kareoki, pochaco, Little Twin Stars, Hello Kitty yes... but that was last... I was looking into (I’m the WORST name dropper, my cuteness should make up for that but deffff shows what’s FOR MOI import.) now we r in England... the whole shit... just to... sorry... deal w it... the driver on the other side and I want us in South Africa... or on a leaf of the palm tree island in Dubai (I doubt they will let us drive there) I don’t think I can go. I’m not going to understand. I can’t believe that who I am, the way I am... the natural way is ... in the end... like... like the letter K... it’s splitting. It’s small choice differences that will example themselves at unparallel lives. They have to come back... one line of the K if we really were to know it would be ... and the other would be... it’s not the digital design.... do we know this? It’s allllll the varieties... compassing..... so that’s why 

It’s hard to write. 

It’s hard to maybe want something else... maybe always... and now kinda getting it. Like a play, pause, rewind... never fwd. Fuck em! Fuck ... it’s too much ok but for the game... I guess this game is called Life. 

Throwing a paper airplane here

How do you guys know that it’s not a... PAPA airplane. And a mama airplane but I’m just saying they’re made out of paper. So those festivals where they make those things that float with a candle it’s made out of paper and it floats and everybody does it together... what are you guys think about that?Is it like a dream catcher? Is it like the letter Y over and over is it like the Z or over it like bandanna print is it like just making you look up and off of your phone and at the stars? Is it a? Lots of?‘s make clouds sort of and?‘s are like years toooo. Two got in the way and tutu has butterfly wings press return... I am a T like a B it’s dots that make swirly circles... what else does that? I’m sort of disappointed in myself because I don’t know why but I don’t communicate in Spanish very much.I thought about why my cousins in Spain are so distant and it’s probably because I’ve been distant myself. I think it makes sense to think that way as long as I know that I love them... and they r busy... basically IM A HIPPY. There’s this quote that says that an Anglo woman will do something important in the spiritual world or in the movement of the world and perhaps it’s money of us not just me... I kind of think that that one time that this other girl was sort of complaining about how white she was I think that it would be weird if she didn’t know how she is possibly a victim to the progress here that thing that I heard that for me made me feel good but there’s definitely some thing that is it right isn’t fair about priviledge... so being on the other side of it and bringing awareness to that I understand and I agree and it’s true... it was the right time and place to mention it... she was asked what bothered her or some thing as it went around the circle... she’s a woman who definitely has been doing the work... she’s not going to repeat some thing that maybe I believe that she was thinking of something new and I actually resonated with it I’m not sure if she knew that I could BE getting it. When I said my problem when I shared my thing it seems like she already knew the issue was some thing that wasn’t going to affect her or be something that she was going to be of service about so she did not have any opinion. Perhaps she was thinking about what she was going to say about herself because she was next. Sort of like the K.What I was saying wasn’t supposed to inspire her. I can resonate with her as well and does she even know that?I feel like I’m forcing myself into this group where I am sort of invisible and A sense... not that I need to be noticed and not that I anything but as an outsider person who hasn’t fully committed hasn’t fully entered into the whole dynamic enough that is the reason why I am receiving the outsider treatment I suppose. I also feel like I am supposed to be a part of this because for me it’s truly a part of my healing and I am so grateful. It’s like every letter in the alphabet and every shape All together. If I am on the outskirts it’s because I am supposed to be. I might not be in it as much as I could be but I know that I am supposed to be and I’m super grateful. It’s like I’m in one of those Funzone zone things but way better where it’s gorgeous so the plastic balls hatch into butterflies and they are flying all around me and they actually don’t have a net so they can fly free. And it is just something that I know I am supposed to be at. And I can’t believe it.... I know I can cuz I think I can cuz I believe that it CAN! Do they even know what a cancan is? Why not? Why do you think it’s OK to laugh about what society new born new generation people are and don’t know it’s so important that we not treat humans this time animals and animals are supposed to be free they are our friends and our eyes our souls our hearts and our everything knows the truth that that is not OK. Everybody just feels like they have no power about changing it. Our ancestors and angels outnumber us guys and I don’t know about you but pig Latin was a great idea. So our scissors. And why r they spelled that way? And hearts r a heart design but it’s a V and a U and a / and \ and -_~<>€£¥•=+*^%#}}][_\|~<>€£¥•=+*^%_

,,,....???!!!!’mmmkkkjj

Uuuu.                               #########******^^^^^+++++W@8&88OOoooooooooooooo~~~~~<<<<>>>>>>>

  _ _.                             W@777 oooooOOOooooo

    I.                          Ooooooo@

   V•~~~~’

And I don’t even smoke! But the American Indians are this culture and family that I feel connected with... they support the environment more than others. Why aren’t they a FAIR part of the desicion making? It’s just something that hasn’t been done yet... but it will. It will.

Oh whata night...

Back to the weird feelings. Doubting everything. Even  losing the basic connection w ppl I thought were good friends... it has to be me, it’s too much that points right back at me. The truth is, I don’t even know why my life is in such apparent shambles... I guess I need something, to be more balanced, u know, obviously... sleep right now seems to stick out the most but I need all of it... friends  dept has been better than usual but I’m wondering things. Nobody wants to hear that your not doing well... so I have to keep that to myself. 

I’m feeling weak, like I should be in a better place w decision making. My life needs more structure. I didn’t get enough sleep last night and I’m dealing w what it does to me emotionally now and admitting that I could be honest and admit to how I desire a better over all, normal life and I’m not normal and it’s gotten to me now, it’s pulling on my reality. I don’t have anybody I Wana tell this to but I have to say, I can’t continue to allow this life. I’m not living in my full potential and the vibration has brought me to these circumstances... I want more from life. I need to allow love to come into my life but at this point it’s far from happening. It’s where I need to be but instead I’m not there, nor looking for that, should make some steps to improve but fell off like i do. Need to be taking better care of myself, eating nutritious meals at the right times of the day... it’s not ok to be literally barely eating and barely sleeping... this is the result. I’m ok but I’m putting it out there bc it’s not something I want happening... I mean that and I need help! From friends, family, everyone! I’m not Gona pretend it’s easy when it’s not bc every once in a blue I fall off the deep end. 

Wow.

So now my parents came and brought me all this medicine and soups... then a bunch of my friends texted me like they love me and stuff like that and I’m like shocked bc how did all these sweet things just happen? Did somebody say something? I feel like ppl might think I’m suicidal or something but I swear to God I would never do that. I am love, I am just stupid sometimes thats all... and I need your help!!!! I want to be better and I want to succeed and I want us to be happy, awesome, healthy, making things happen that we want and love. I hate feeling like a Debbie Downer! I’m going to have to make some moves... it’s this feeling that I can’t accept mediocre and be happy. I gota take better care of myself and others and apply my talents... I hope I can do what I say, follow my rituals and take control of my life. I need to find my way and I miss u guys. Thanks for everything, unreal the amount of love I just got. I’m in shock and I love u guys sooo much, u know who u are. 

Making Moves

Had such a productive day. Looked through tons of my magazine cut outs for inspo on color combinations and some other ideas popped out at me. The possibilities of collage in design and that I can break the chain weaving and just try new things. I made some bag designs w an origami concept, a folded square makes a triangle... I have to try the grommets and attempt to finish something. Making samples for bags turns out to be more challenging than I thought. I know I have to continue. I’d like to make clothes and let pieces hang loose and let them be free. I worked hard today. I should rest now. Gnight 

Ashnikko - STUPID Feat. Yung Baby Tate (Official Video)