I wish u the best...

I've missed u all. I've been the new T but the new me is always at the end me tho.. I don't want to let anyone down I just Wana hold u all up if I could and I can try so why not try harder? I don't want to mention the ways ur unsure of believing in me I want to bring u to this cool place I know that is warm and full of love but believing in life is too generic. Where r my friends when I need them? I'm not interested in my questions answer... I want to hold ur hand and not kiss u but kiss whomever I feel like... The current of the sea is the heart to everything we know. I am concerned with  the current I am giving off.. The rhythm might be mine but I look into the eyes of my best friends and they look dark and I blame myself cuz I know I'm not the equivalent of what I project. I am in part to blame for the worlds disregard for whatever and I'm blowing kisses when nobody is looking. I am more sensitive than u know and I'm an example for what u shouldn't try to be. I just am. I am loving u at the same damn time. I am happy and then some since I didn't want to be home this late.. I'm not paid enough. I'm living in the ego maybe bc I just see myself saying me me me and yet I'm not me in the end enough. I still feel like I let ppl down when I try so hard not to. I try harder than most ppl bc what it truly takes is caring more about urself.. Yea so that my excuse. But I told myself I would try to not have excuses anymore, I said that tonight, I can say things but Yes I Do mean them but they don't come out the exact way since I maybe want a lot! A lot all at once, I'm entertaining but not quite deep enough.. I mean I want u to be happy and for urself and then for me but the happy wish is always true cuz I'm happy so much I just also suffer and want to hold the world up on one shoulder. I don't have a good shoulder. I feel like my grandmother is this woman who is perfect bc I knowwwww how perfect we all are bc of her and she deserves me to show her the love I keep inside for her but also I think about my grandfather, continuously! I am in a place in life where stuff is more real than it ever was! Like I'm to blame for the mistakes in the whole entire world bc I don't and never could justify this segregation. The way we are all kept so separate and today was Thanksgiving so coming together was sooooo needed and I witnessed all of our efforts. I want to be a woman who makes a big effort. I want to be able to raise a family like strong woman do generation after generation. Bc I have my doubts about the way some of us have thus far and I have doubts in generL and I have belief also in what amazing things can be done. I want to be like that bc I believe I can. U are the world and I am just in it. I am OK. I don't want to let ppl down! I want to be able to hold it all together like my grandmother does and did and my aunt Linda tries so perfectly hard and my godmother Deedee might feel like she could blame me for acting out the way I HAv and that's giving off the wrong msg to our youth and the entire time I didn't mean to be a bad example at all! I always mean well. I care. I suffer. I love. I wish. I pray, I love tho and want better things and have a dream! A dream that we would all not cheat each other, be happy and good to one another, that life would be a platform and that our future births of children would outsmart us and teach us the new and better ways of life that exist and that w that movement we could be powerful enough to all come together strong and powerful enough as one to lead us away from the temptations and into the puzzle future we create for ourselves in not only our dreams but our deep hearts and soul. I ask the power Gods to reach out for us and give us a push in the right direction when so lost we beg for. The ocean won't drag u the right direction always and the boat won't last forever but u right now are the most beautiful and well deserved thing that's unknown. Alone is for a reason I guess. I wish u the best.