Missing something about true connection. Its not like I haven't had friends but Ive lost most of them... we have grown in different ways... We have become who we are today and we are just in different phases of life. I feel a little left behind bc I don't have my good friends caring about where Im at now. It feels lonely to be me but I keep fighting the truth of that and I don't dwell bc I choose not to but I know whats better is to... have ideas! create solutions! be somebody who finds answersss so NO! I am not somebody who sits and just sits and complains! I am breaking out of my "comfort zone" constantly and UNCONDITIONALLY! Ha! you though that only had to do w love but no, its under any and all circumstances I know I am a GOOD FUCKING PERSON and whatever ppl think of me (may not be my biz, but I feel it I freaking just feel it, like I feel the winds change Right in front of me!) Bc Im smart, bc Im empathetic, bc Im showing my true emotions and make mistakes and ppl don't like that so they .... listen to this fucked up BS.... they "don't want to involve themselves w ppl who aren't THE BEST" hmm Maybe ppl who are the best are showing their truth and showing their weaknesses SOMEPLACE and ppl YOU think are "the best" aren't able to ... But they still have themmmm guys. God please Help Us. I truly am a very critical thinker, I think anybody who can handle life better than me, more like a Goddess than me YESSSS Is somebody better to follow... AMEN TO THOSE WOMEN. That doesn't make me a less person. I am only being SILLY here... its a fraction of the endless abundance monkey mind that we have that I want to allow to run around freely for a moment! Did You Know that I am not a monkey minded person all the time??? Did you know that>? Or did u pin me down as a THIS always... your wrong babe... stop judging yourself. I am only playful and a believer of chasing these thoughts to be a productive art work whatever it may be... I have been disappointed in what I have myself said Or thought... and wrote... so but wait, in Yoga they say that that is not YOU... and its a small part of me! I am not always on this roll of a level to dig in the nothing but I find it my own challenge. Its not necessary and perhaps to some, should be private, BUT to me its purely an exercise to get to know myself and to document mythought process and emotions. You know I don't write songs Yet but they would surely last longer and bring me more money. This is like a chat w a damn blank wall... sometimes a painting can happen... its like made of clear spit. lol
I really do have to0 think of the things that will bring me more financial gain,,, other than a man... that won't work for me... I wish it would. I would feel stupid. Id rather die! but I also rather not fret any longer. I have worked on that... I have things to do, I have ideas, I have the capacity, the hands, legs and feet and CORE to! I even have the face... I do believe in myself its just different from what Im supposed to as to what I do feel and what I was told to and all these diff concoctions boiling up in me like some sort of soup. its fucked up! Its not that fucked up LOLOL. Its really fine Im just a lil bit of a drama queen. seriously tho stupid drama for nothing. I have probably damaged my own image w my lies and escapades of discovery and nonchalance being young and free and invincible all the years that were important to lure a proper man in. now I'm kind of old in some way BUT I'm a freaking child! who r youuuuu alllll kidding to be married and w kids so fast??? omg! for what? for more work sooner as grandma? ha! Sorry Im wayyy behind. IM MAYBE NORMAL!!!! HA! I actually know I am :) I have Great Grand Days I have nobody to answer back to! I have a lot of balls but I have more HEART than most of you all. I am alone. I am OK, I am Me. I am Hopeful, I am creative, I am busy, I am grateful beyond words and I wish I was MORE SUCCESSFUL.... we all wish for something... I wish more more things... I wish for true peace, acceptance and inclusion,
The thing that I want go back to about ppl being all about "wanting to be surrounded by the best" YES I do get it, that will get u farther in your career and what not, the world it all about connections BUT I don't resonate with that BC if nobody will open up to the level lower than them and ONLY "donate money and clothes or whatever" that there is something that my heart and my Humanitarian spirit feels is part of the fucked up world. these are fake ppl! This is not generous, REAL, mindful, SUSTAINABLE, loving, acceptation, inclusive INCLUSIVE!!!!! and its not ME. SORRY.
Im just gonna be different and I'm gonna be appreciative and observant and I learn from the wrong! if the wrong wasn't there I would not be able to see it!~ I am not one to copy, I make my own path, thank you world for allowing it. <3 p="">
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