Where to Begin Again...

 Where to Begin... 

Taking a deep breath to forgive myself for the mistakes. I keep dropping balls, shooting myself in the foot and making unnecessary drama when I mean well ... but I see the word mean and why do I have to live in this circus? Even if most of the time I like it. I think I might be taking a silly circus route and nobody to blame but myself. We change and I am like the only child left who can't grow up like I guess I wanted this, until it becomes a sort of nightmare to think that its really like this. So, Spider web... I was reading about the animals teachings from my Native American Medicine cards... I picked 3 cards and before I do this I ask for energy and guidance,,, for the cards to give me a message that I need to hear. I have gotten to this point where I do good but the mistakes are over powering my path, I am affected by my own fears, my emotions are what LEADS me and Im not able to be a functioning adult in society bc I just know that I am not actually living like one. This is a problem but I thought it was one I could continually get away with and Im noticing that its actually just the bare facts of reality and its part of the growth process of me, the obstacle I need to surpass and its like growing pains, a baby crying his eyes out never truly solves anything for us adults. I am misguided. I am looking for certain results in all the wrong places. I am riding the wave of, how long can I get away with this for like a toddler does to see where r his boundaries. Just like that. Im really worried and im aware that this is just part of why everything in my life is the way it is right now. I don't know if im living in the past, present or future... I just see the time going by and its taking me some time to get organized again to create... I have a method, im inspired, im happy, im going off here and there but im catching myself and trying to be my awesome, beautiful, generous self BUT I am not really doing some major things right. Something is wrong, im losing my temper w family & friends, doing things I don't think anybody "normal"/ in there right mind does, and its all from being led by emotion, thinking thats right and noticing that even tho I want to be that way, it has its repercussions. I am losing touch w the balance of life, my feminine side, simple life tasks are difficult, im pushing ppl away, but I wanted to set my boundaries. This 2021 was about that for me and eliminating the clutter and im really tired of friends that aren't my friends really. So, Its also my truth. I just know I have some issues and I am not getting the proper help to structure the path yet I am also unable to stay truly trying to do my end and many times just avoid simple things. I am using the excuse that Im an artist for example, not to check my email. I am pretty embarrassed actually. Im pretty over myself by now. LOL. but Im trapped! This is the shelter and life I have created! I have the skillset that I have bc I have chosen to do/avoid such and such to get exactly here. I have stuck energy in places of my body like lower back, one hip, right shoulder, neck, a little belly I accept about my physique, letting go of myself in ways like I am forgetting to drink enough water, forgetting to eat certain meals, the gray hairs are growing and I am letting them show. I don't feel the need to do my nails. I am in a weird place personally. I am trying to shift gears. I am not sure if its ok or not but Im feeling off bc Im not as busy and in demand as Ive been in the past, lets say. Also, I am not sure of my path, my relationship, my friends are not enough for me, my career is feeling stale, I am not easily satisfied and Im worried. I dip into depression but also avoid giving myself a chance to truly feel and wonder why im off kilter>? Its bc im self medicating and have fear sometimes, and anger maybe? I don't feel like Im there tho,,, I am also past those feelings so another part of me feels and is convincing myself that im all good. but If I was all good then life would be bringing me to better places and things that match my vibe, my authentic self is maybe not what Im putting out. Im babysitting myself and wondering if its better to be someone else. I know Im not superior but sometimes my character acts like it. I make my choices and think ppl will understand, I mean well but I have a very strong mother as role model and she isn't the softest feminine woman type and what im trying to say is I need to say this, I need to honor the male as the warrior at my side and Im sometimes getting negative and I don't want to be like this. I know I may be bossy but I Need a strong man who will be my balance here and I want to feel the masculine power and I want to respect that. I need to also be at a place to receive that. Im being critical, Im so flawed to attack others, Im aware of it and I am witnessing the patterns. The hurdle to surpass this is connected to Fear and I lack courage where it may be most important. Im quite lost w how I can deal w my personal shit bc Im missing key components to make my human adult self, self sustaining. but Im older now and Ive basically lost time and avoided things or focused on a detail instead of looking at the big picture of how to survive. I thought I could get away with staying me... well, no, not really, not to grow and live like to pass the level of this life. I feel like I made so many mistakes and I want to be a Mother but might miss the calling bc Im not mature enough, responsible enough, ready... and everything I want is so convoluted w the exact same opposite too that defies the importance, the needle on the compass is going bonkers trying to figure out which way im trying to go. All the opposing exists within as I obviously can't decide what I stand for truly, and its just the nature of this incredible game we call life! The object of the game is to Find Your Happiness! Anything is Possible and your the only one creating the barriers of where impossible resides. I am my worst enemy, I am able to do all the things necessary but I choose not to bc Im either lazy or childish waiting for a boundary to be set, something to happen that ends the road im on, I guess. I am not sure if this is the path im supposed to be on. like free will lead me to the wrong place and now if I will end up in the same place maybe it will be harder for me to get there. I feel like Im destructive to my own self and im never satisfied like that Prince song and maybe im just like my mother. But my mother found my father you see, and so im not even close, Im feeling alone, unequipped, embarrassed to say it, angry that its like this, aware that the truth is so large and hard for me to reach and at the same time don't give myself the proper chance bc I am looking for fun too damn often, not disciplined enough to finish anything I start, and giving up is ok bc im lost, lonely, afraid, feel like ppl don't even want me, I feel like Im just not as busy w a family as everyone else I know and so maybe im interpreting this whole damn thing wrong too. This life is to learn as much as u can and be great to one another to find fulfillment and love, , , what im doing wrong is my stupid problem and how I continue and deal is another... surviving is another layer all together and I think I need a plan, a couple friends, a little love and to maybe volunteer. If things get worse I will move to Europe or Mexico. walking away from everything isn't the way to go just yet. Bless This House, Bless this soul, Bless us all, Lots of Love <3