Zombie

Been tough to manage relationships with people for whatever reason I feel like it’s not fair that I struggle w something I should be better at. It’s really frustrating, knowing how important it is to keep up the relations. I don’t deserve to have so many burned bridges. The feeling is isolating. I don’t want to damage them but it points to me unless everyone else is feeling this too. It’s just so important in life to have ppl “like u” and instead I can see that what I’m doing isn’t working. It’s such a game. The truth is not what ppl want. They want u to play the game! They want to be fooled even. I thought my way was better but obviously not! If I can’t do this right then it feels like I won’t ever be someone worth betting on. With a heart this big it’s like shattered to pieces it’s not even worth the gigantic effort. They don’t understand me I guess or somewhere there is a mistake. I can actually feel it. 

So I wore a gold chain mail top to finally go out the other night. It’s a 70’s original I got second hand from Fly Boutique and had in my closet and decided to wear it and get glammed up. Some guy, super cool and sweet picked me up in a 1940’s side car motorcycle and took me out. It was super duper special. We went to two places I had never been to before. I love checking out new spots. Funny thing is, I felt like it was this funny feeling to wear this super glitzy top when so many places and ppl are struggling so hard right now. For example Cuba now w Covid, etc etc. but I am struggling as well! I wore it bc I had it and I chose to pull it out. I didn’t just buy it brand new or something. It’s this strange after feeling that made me feel like I needed to explain this. How freaking annoying tho right? So it’s sorta my imagination that the judgments are incorrect … 

Always trying to help others and think of others is in my nature and it’s like the same can’t be expected back. I’m getting better at just moving on without getting stuck in the pain bc I accept that maybe I’m wrong and ppl r “busy”. I’m a loner anyway. But I put myself out there and then it gets used against me. It’s a good thing I’m strong enough to handle it. Only a strong person can tell all this knowing it just keeps backfiring and giving you guys more amo! I write about it bc it’s real and it’s the way I am currently feeling. I have feelings u know? There are ppl who do care about me and do show it. It’s not as easy as I want it to be! I am curious what I can do to change. The answers that come to me tell me that I should try being sober but I’m not SO extreme but it’s just the only thing I can think of to do. I’ve been procrastinating that bc life is so tough wo my coping mechanisms. It’s not getting any easier by the way! I know I do deep down believe in myself but if my success isn’t there anymore now to show for I must be doing something wrong, arent I? Well it’s a process. I’m doing so much yoga that that’s the only thing keeping me sane I think. Since im toxic and the patterns are mine, it’s like nothing is good enough for me yet. Im feeding my soul w spirituality, aligning my purpose, doing the work w morning and evening questions so that I live more conciously. Downloaded Audible and want to read more books. I spend time in nature. I eat healthy when I eat mostly very very healthy. I jog when I can. I don’t if I can’t and sometimes I do even hungover! I try to stay organized. When I work, I WORK. I think, I spend an entire night obsessing about a new project. It’s not normal. It’s actually gotten worse! I just don’t want to be such a pain in the ass to Look! Even myself! Lmao! This energy and desire to get it right or explain. It’s like I’m hurting inside. I need love but I’m unlovable at the moment. I can’t do it. I just don’t feel like myself, like I’m ready for anything like that. But I still need love. I’m trying to love myself I guess. I mean, I’m my own best friend. I’m going to get through it. I want to find the right person and I actually want to fall in love. If it doesn’t happen, fine! But I’m waiting and I hope that it does. I feel like it will and I have it in me to be happy. To feel so much love that is going to come my way. In the end, I’m a dreamer and have a lot of love to give. I am happy and easy going and fun and I don’t deserve this from a lot of the people. It’s shocking. But maybe I asked for this! It’s making me stronger alright! But it’s also adding to the internal monster. I’m not all this added shit on top that I now have. I was pure and good and the poisoning from the world is changing all of us. This is supposed to be more like heaven than hell. But I will keep lying to myself and stay positive cuz it’s only a fucking game and nobody cares. A Zombie Game.