Crossed Fingers...

 I remember when I was a little girl and I would cross my fingers. I still do it. I remember those 80s textured walls I would scratch my limbs on. I remember that time I woke up upside down or something and couldn't find the door knob, instead I was trying to get out of the window! I remember the drying lines, the antennas, the manners I was taught and how quiet I was bc I was a sponge observing everything. I remember talking to my dolls bc what else do u do if not? I liked being the teacher. I did it w my dolls make believe and with actual kids I could manipulate during recess, I had my own ballet class! quite productive! but it wasn't always that way lol. I guess I like being a leader, I liked having the attention but it was also very pure, a little piece of popularity perhaps? none of it lasted too long. I had to make new friends a lot. I grew an attitude. I was just shuffled here and there and just absorbing the whole thing knowing id soon be thrown in a different direction again. I had a reason for being the way I became but nobody knew that part about me really. I believe ppl do want the best for us but the look holes, the gaps that don't allow for a match... its not a kids fault and its a life tampered with. everyone has a different story. So many variables, I wonder if the right way to go is as interesting. Kids in a class remind me of objects collected from diff parts. Another assortment, each a diff flavor, and spit balls, and time wasted... nobody seemed to know what they were doing. Even in college, so odd. By now I hope they do bc wasting  time wasn't solely the kids' fault, I think it was almost more the teachers. lol. Thats so terrible. I have these memories, so many ridiculous memories, stories, culture, societal lessons, places and things, unbelievable. I am just so grateful so have had the journey I had. Things take time, to make you the more mature you, ppl marry young, they have such real lives, we chose a career, a partner, and become a parent so many times so young! Naturally. Its more natural to make a beautiful mistake like that and yes it is a blessing. It gets harder to later in life I think. I am juggling w diff realities. Why can't he come and save me already LOL ;) Im not sure anymore. I have to really think about what I want. I realize that I am not truly firm on one idea cuz I need a partner I can feel supported, I believe in the dream... I choose to believe in it, I want to find real love, is it so? ugh But of course and I also want to hibernate like a bear for the whole winter. Pray for peace be with me. Cuddles xoxoxo