“I feel for you…”

I have that song in my head here feeling for myself lol. Been getting wasted obviously and I’m so over it. I have a terrible shoulder pain that goes and comes back it’s like a part of me now… it’s not letting me sleep tonight. I keep stretching it myself, haven’t gone to yoga in ages, I’m good then I go a lil too far out and it’s happening now a lil more than ever. I tried to get a therapist, I guess I have to keep trying. I was up late doing some color research for the bags and to do some new stuff that I feel inspired by. Everything is such a process! I should have slept better tonight I even had Blue Lotus Tea that I bought for my father. It helps relax the muscles and dream etc opening 3rd eye etc. I wish there were monkeys on this tree out this window lol it’s a huge tree, perf for monkey swinging lol. Today was not a good day man, I mean it wasn’t terrible just really didn’t feel well, didn’t sleep enough and I’m living in pain. I just keep on truckin! I’ve been riding a lot of bike, went in the ocean day before yesterday, eating good super healthy the occasional zag and it’s just only the alcohol that’s poison to me and my brain 🧠. I do stupid shit and get obnoxious, I know bc I see the videos, I hear myself and I don’t drink all the time but recently I’ve just been on one thinking I want to get fucked up bc I can’t do it all the time so when I do it’s like I’m going harder. This truly is recent. I know how to handle my liquor but I REALLY don’t like how I get and it doesn’t stop bc the next day I need a drink etc and then the evening rolls in and I’m in the mood again. I’ve been slacking on my flow for MYSELF… I’m upset at how ppl handle things and then I choose to go balls to the wall and I don’t need anybody to do it with! That’s the other thing! It’s nobody’s fault but mine, I’m the no limit soldier. I mean it’s not even that much but it’s too much for me and I see that I’m more to myself, don’t even wana be w ppl, either at work or at my house pretty much. Dealing w shit and not dealing w shit. And I don’t even have that many distractions, they are from myself. I think I need a Reiki sesh w Grace and I should finish my Reiki studies too. I know what I have to do and I’m doing a lot but I have an anxiety like I have to write here to even feel better from the weirdness it’s like a pattern I’ve created. (Nobody reads this but everyone can,,, I act like I’m crazy but I’m really not… just nobody acts out like showing the crazy, nobody does that… so I’m not crazy I’m just letting u see my crazy but I’m more not crazy than crazy actually, in case u were wondering bc I can pretty much HEAR your thoughts from here lol.) it’s adjusting, I like to read, I lost that book idk where I put it dammit Tammy. ;)

I have to say I have to also be proud of myself, so much is happening here trying to keep the brand alive. Not a big team and already having difficulty w two of the new ppl… one isn’t trained enough to go home and her time needs to be bettter, the other guy actually said he doesn’t wana work w me while I drink… I didn’t get mad at him for saying it but he was drinking too so but whatever. Then says when he knows about my deadline that he got busy w his work so he bailed on helping me according to plan. I think I have a new girl now coming and the one I do jewelry with is an older lady who is such a beautiful person and she gets me and we get along. So it’s tiring to do this and chase after ppl and deal w the lies and the overall repetitive process I’ve been doing this for like 7yrs or something. The warehouse is getting more organized and I like being in there but I don’t have much of a life besides that which is also my choice. July is Busy! But I need to decide if I should go take a trip maybe Oaxaca? Find a factory in Mexico… fuck it! I can go alone I can do it all!!! So I need to heal, I need major healing, I need to do some apologizing, some new hobby’s to open me up to new exciting things and people. YouTube videos have been helping and I know there are some podcasts. I don’t like TV much either. I love my bed and being outside in nature, I love my dog, my family, to dance, to be my authentic self but the better version, I know how awesome I AM! I like to learn things, embrace change and be a leader but my my life is a challenge. I like to write, I like to express myself and get deep. I want to do what I love w others who love it w me. I like native aywaska songs and sunsets, boat rides, being active, helping others. I like all that I am constantly trying to do for myself, to improve, to be better, organized, on track w my planner, living consciously w daily and nightly questions. Healing myself constantly. It’s so easy to just not do every thing bc it’s a lot of things. It looks like u can’t move as fast without the proper team in place. I know what it’s like to have ppl around that want to work. It’s all doable and possible but I can’t do it all myself. I really am supposed to just do the “artist” thing more, design, research, make samples… but I shouldn’t even be talking to customers this much, I need production and then PR/marketing and the system to work and ppl to work who want to do this! Ok so enough about that. I can’t sleep. Maybe I need acupuncture! I also want to volunteer more and again soon. I will get through this! Just needed to let this out… need some hugs, massages, giggles and sunshine! My father needs me today, I will try again to sleep some. Take care, feel better.