Just finished a guided meditation while laying in bed from a new app on my phone...my mind has a way of running away in thoughts and sometimes I just sit on my computer and try to catch them as I type... For me it's just an exercise to chase them and get them down in writing. Another exercise is to eliminate all that jibber jabber and find the stillness and the silence... I feel like I can hear crickets in my mind now. I feel like I can feel my whole body more, like it's gotten heavier in the mattress and I feel much more relaxed than I usually do. At first through my guided meditation I felt uneasy about just accepting to empty my thoughts from my brain I felt a big swirling tension behind my rib cage like by my heart it was really big though and was restricting me from being able to relax and enjoy the process... It was really bad. Maybe I should also tell u that today I broke up with my boyfriend. It wasn't the first time but it's never been so bad and this time it really feels like it's over. I have been pushing him away for quite sometime now and it's hard to think that it really could be done... I'm unsatisfied and that won't go away... My parents have their point of view and I seriously don't want to even speak with them bc I really don't care what they have to say about this. After all it's my life and my happiness and my choice in love not theirs. It makes me feel really heavy and like I ace nobody to talk to about it. I just don't want to talk to anybody about my problems... I rather find my own way,,. My own solutions, my time, my way, I try to choose what's right for me and nobody can help me... I'm the only one who can truly help myself and I think I'm going the way that I should go for me. I want to focus on myself. I want to do exercise to get my mind off of things. Look for a Part time job to fund my little projects... I need to make a little more money to help me get the materials I need and slowly have more samples up on my website of my designs in working on. This is what is making me happy. This is what I'm going to focus on. This and becoming more and more organized. I have made a lot of improvement and I'm feeling good about what I have created I will eventually push more to get to market, put ads up or SEO help through a friend on my online store. I'm also going to be living quite meagerly the coming months... The way most artists do. And the final goal will be to have less stuff of my own, quit styling entirely and be able to live in a small studio with just enough that I need. I will be minimizing my collection of materials since styling has led me to gather so many things I am going to let that go and only own what I need and cleanse my life of all the clutter. This process is not starting now, it has started many years ago! This year I must have donated like 5 or 6 huge IKEA bags of things to charity. I feel like I still have too many things and I am going to keep trying to downsize! I wish I had a shop to put it all in... I would live in my shop! I am on the journey to a simple life, I want to invest in my creations and materials to make new things and post the samples in my online store so that they can be made to order. I am going to meet with my new seamstress tomorrow and a meeting with a new "guide to new designers" type woman. I need some help from ppl who know to get my ideas to make money! So basically I feel like I am a smart, creative girl who needs to keep doing what she is doing and eventually I should get lucky with something. In the meantime I need to get a part time job to keep me on schedule so that the days I have free are focused on creating the new ideas and designs... No more party, not even tempting to me anymore. I feel really focused I just feel like I am having some financial difficulties but WHO ISNT?. I will let you know how my meetings go... It should be interesting. I will be doing more guided meditations and seeing sunsets, hiking, gym, jogging, walking ROXY, bike riding, jacuzzi, steam room, writing, organizing, creating, making, painting, collating... And all of the things that make me feel fulfilled. Amen. Goodnight.
