Needing Closure

I tend to need closure. So I create it. Was writing in a journal, doodling, watching you tube videos about things I wanted to learn about but I have to come here to night cap for some reason. Maybe I’m not the greatest writer, maybe I’m digging myself a hole by doing any of this. It could have the power to harm more than help… like that song says… forgot how it goes. It’s important that I change my ways to get true growth. A freakin deep analysis, brain check and who the heck does all this and keeps on w/o advisors or therapy lol in a world full of Life Coaches and healers I’m doing shitty wo a kayak to ride for my self help and a jacuzzi to go in for the muscle aches. That’s bc that’s what’s important to me and maybe the jacuzzi can wait but not the kayak but they r heavy to drag and I’m w no car. I also need to be able to read the weather for riding it. But the spa is closed LOL I can’t believe it! So I’m making my own spa. That’s it.!!!. 

“Breaking the Mind Barrier”

A book I found on the shelf and started to read to help me sleep turned into something I read for now some hours… it’s almost 5am and it’s been interesting I just know I have to rest! My eyes are starting to feel that feeling. It’s about colliding both art and science and the system of our bodies etc. I really enjoy it even it’s complexities and I want to keep reading but had to stop myself. Now I’m trying to write to help ease my mind from all those ideas and racing thoughts. We had dinner at Joni’s house and I barely ate but had enough. What to do to relax myself now? Idk. I’ve done stretches, I took a bath, I allowed myself a night cap beer but no… at this point it’s 5am maybe I should wake up early and go for a run but it’s pitch dark out right now. I was going to wake up at 8:30/9 and I should so I know by now that I just have to flow w it and if I didn’t sleep enough, deal w it and take a nap when u can and sleep more the following night I guess. I can not just be normal I guess, I loved being up late and reading tho! Why am I not allowed to just do that if it’s what I want to do for me? I wouldn’t read like that in the day, maybe on a weird day. I’m missing people that are like me and I know there r plenty of them but we should be clustered together more often. I probably needed more exercise to be more tired now. I spent the day w my Dad we went in the pool and he showed me his exercises and I had him try some new ones like balancing on one leg w hands in prayer etc. Roxy is here, the lights are off, I’m winding down… tomorrow I have some important things to do for biz, then drive back to miami for work and then I have a photoshoot to shoot the new products for the website finally bc so behind. So it’s a mix of prob anxiety and excitement and who knows but yea it’s obvious what I need lol. 

Time to count sheep and get myself at least 4hrs! 

🙏🏼

Sexy

Expressive writing now. I don’t usually write songs or poems but let me try one…

Feeling you in me

A Feeling thats lasting 

Endless what is this?

Feeling blue left me 

A feeling more mysterious

But smiles are on their way

warmth from that body

Kissing and squeezing

I’ll let u hold my face while I look into your eyes 

I will let you go too

Can we walk the same pace and make a good team?

Can we live in our dream?

Apart and together but birds of a feather

Desire me day and night

A love spell left me feeling fantastic

Things take time 

Make me your forever

It’s a shot in the dark

From nocturnal eyes

I hear us whisper and we don’t fight.

We’re always on, so turned on, 

Tell me who you are first 

so I Want you more

A crossing desire

Feeling each other’s skin as we breathe

Everything else is gone and we are just here,

A love capsule to taste, lick, suck, swallow, & tease.

Stay w me, let’s be free.

Tamara Aida Diaz 

I used to like Amber Heard

I wasn’t the biggest fan of Johnny so much honestly but the tables surely do turn. I guess it’s bc she’s younger and I see her mistakes and stupidity. The little hanging blond curl was killing me… that actually did it for me in a way, the way she was hiding behind it and checking herself in the reflection of the computer screen in front of her. BABE, NOT NOT SWEETIE. Like FUCK WHAT U LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOW, ur already beautiful enough, waking up at 5am to do your updo and makeup (non makeup) or whatever fucking structured outfits your shit stylist pulled for u. So u can be in yet another “act” yet this one is different, it’s more real. It actually sucks this time. What is your motive beautiful? That’s what the world wants to know. Meanwhile, u kept going back… and you kept torturing him to the point of escapism and drug usage. Your not even that compatible! And then you wana look all preppy and innocent when you knew what you were getting yourself into. What did you want? Why didn’t it work? Why sabotage the relationship to this level before honoring yourself… it looks like a terrible example of many toxic relationships and how drugs and alcohol can affect a relationship. Why are you attracted to a celebrity who you clearly don’t make happy, he puts u up in a diff home, you stay and use the situation thinking u can’t leave only to murder his image as an actor… did it have to go this far? Who urged u to take it this far? Why don’t u see the harm this brings everyone…? His family, his career, the relationship u once had w him WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE PRIVATE… but this is not only exposing a bruise or something it’s going as far as to  want his money? Is that what this is about? Sorry Amber Your not a good seed for bringing all this to light when u didn’t need to do it like this if u respected and loved him like u SHOULD. U wanted More… u are a money hungry lying bitch and I think u are fake and drive ppl mad to the point of these issues and then ride the vicious circle over and over again. Johnny you and this 30yr old chick of course don’t work she’s way too young for u and brings u problems. She’s heartless, conniving, and definitely an instigator. I can see how she makes any beautiful face look like the possible devil (so not needed). It’s hard enough being pretty and not being an Amber but everyone thinks we get a lot of attention… maybe I’m intimidating and stand off-ish. Not to compare too much she got Depp bc she’s a beautiful up and coming actress. Not just a pretty face. Clearly she has a team and they are betting on her, she has an agent and she had a future… but this is Depp and he’s on another level… and this move helps her career more than anything. So all the partying happening…She’s young plenty of reasons why things got out of control we all lived through a pandemic and Johnny Depp is allowed to get drunk if he feels like it but Him slamming counters closed and throwing things does show his anger but never showed him having anger towards her exactly. In the videos. Am I mistaken? He actually seems like a very composed guy even though he does his crazy thing as an artist I can understand him. Basically Amber looks like she saw the way to take advantage and I think she got that idea from somebody else. They might’ve had a tumultuous relationship but that comes with the wild ride and the passion. If you didn’t care about her he would or not gotten so affected. The communication was poor and when people need time away to cool off or think this is important to respect. She’s very immature she’s very young and she didn’t know because she was in fear that he would leave her she actually needed more love. He’s not the confrontational type and she probably is. That’s why she called him a pussy basically. But he might’ve had a drug or alcohol problem that didn’t need to be exposed to the entire planet earth the way that it was told if that was the case it could’ve gone a different way so that he could’ve perhaps gotten the help that he needed. Instead I guess she wanted something out of this court case… what did she want exactly? Is it a known thing? How do these things exactly work? Bc no amount of money is going to bring him back to u in your dream way! And u need to go find what it is your looking for instead of damaging some man who loved u with a family and a world wide career to crumble and crawl back to u like THAT WOULDNT BE WHAT U WANT EITHER! What did you learn Amber? That Johnny is a gentleman? That he may have his issues but that you were not a good influence or compatible lover? That he wouldn’t tolerate the disrespect. That maybe the pressing buttons works and escalates matters … did u want this? Did u forecast this and did u think you would win?  Well, I am not on your side girl, sorry. I know these issues and listening to the details of you guys I am glad I wasn’t there. I feel for both of u. The imbalances, the miscommunications, the problems that these external forces bring. The issues may be deep but the fighting and violence was truly on another level. But the repetitive going back to something that u accepted, the abuse and then the limelight pattern… you didn’t miss it for a thing. Amber if you honor and respect yourself you need to be able to walk away. You lived in a different house entirely and then decide to take his dog to Coachella? The one who isn’t potty trained? Did u ask his permission or was that u holding on to something of his to prove your still connected bc u couldn’t let go? Bc your a show off? YES DARLING the mushrooms and mdma concoction did the right thing… u need to stay in and heal. Your not ok. Mushrooms are amazing for healing. Your only 30 so you just took whatever anybody gave you… u show your not that smart or experienced and Johnny is a man. Men like Johnny might fall for your tease but they work differently. They deserve respect. You should have honored the relationship, honored yourself and showed more self respect being in such a prime position. I say this bc I see myself in your mistakes… I’m not happy for you, I’m embarrassed for you and I feel bad for him and I don’t feel bad for u. You seem like this was a way to fame and ppl have maybe told u that bad press is like any press bla bla bla but this is different. Your a really stupid young girl and should be ashamed at yourself being that gorgeous and that heartless and thinking life was going to believe your lies. You made so many mistakes. Who are your parents and why are you famous? Just bc your face is pretty? You have no fucking heart! No consideration for ppl! And literally no class! U are a trained LIER and u can’t even lie! Your literally the worst actress ever and I think u should go change careers and be a yoga teacher or do something for an orphanage. Hopefully u have an idea or one that somebody gives u. Your violence must STOP. U need to learn to be a class act. I believe u CAN. U can talk at motivational talks. U must. You need to make public your awareness of your mistakes and how u learn to surpass them… this will get a market of ppl interested and believing your story again. Many many of us struggle w the same things. We need to learn how to behave like adults, how to be balanced human beings, how to be graceful and learn ways to communicate or not communicate! I took a communication course… I still need to exercise it w somebody who wants to! How cool it would have been for u guys to try this instead! So it taught about communication… about like not talking when things are escalated. About repeating to the other what u have heard… showing you are listening… 

When ppl fight they both yell and they aren’t communicating… they both want to be heard… it’s really challenging! 

So when you do this they feel heard and if what u bounced back thinking that they said was incorrect then that’s the issue! It seems like a challenge to do but also like a respectful game of interest and patience for one another.

It’s about changing the past patterns… the ones that don’t work but they are in the old movies… the new movie is about trying something new. Unless we obviously get off on the humorous fighting … (could be) Yes, we most likely need to be over 30 to want to try it. 

If your only 30 and Johnny Depp is acting like an alcoholic pirate (as he is) and you love him for something but not for all the things… so I see you’re treating to change him… not impressed w his avoidance, wanting more from him, pressing his buttons for more attention, and then even as far as recording his embarassing moments to use to your advantage… sorry little girl u need to go back to the sand box and play With Barbies. Your blond curl isn’t something u can hide behind and it’s sad that your so concerned w it that it’s more important than the issue at hand. Your EGO is huge and it’s the devil in disguise showing so loud and proud inside of U! Put your stupid fake blond twirl behind your stupid ear and start to do something called LISTENING. I don’t care what movie u have been in, what drugs u have done, or that u have a sister… nobody is going to save u from the mess u have just made… almost wana say innocently made bc u weren’t really ready for this. Your Team Sucks! GROW UP. You should have been Harley Quinn but what’s her name Margot Robbie is like your double and we don’t even need u in Hollywood! Another blond w a pretty nose? What makes you so great? U have a lot to learn in terms of character building on your own Damn self. I wonder what your thoughts would be on a blog like this? Your love letter journal w Johnny was morbid and u probably wanted that thing to be famous too. Well it’s not going to be honey. You again, remind me of me and we need more honey to be sweet and then maybe we wana be read. Think Princess Diana, think serious soul searching. Think backpacking South America without a French twist. Think shave your head and donate the hair to cancer. Think Angelina Jolie. See how long u can hold your breath under water and deep dive, help build a new coral reef, learn how to slack line, write a book about something interesting that we should read / hear about. & Fuck Coachella! Get over yourself, find spirituality, hire a team of experts and get some serious goals for u and for the planet. 

Now that Johnny has graced u with his glorious spotlight,,, take that spotlight and shine it elsewhere… at something u want to help make a difference in doing and I hope for your sake that it’s good and not a fake. Your power can come back if you play your cards right. How can u show sincere interest and find a cause to help maybe in a new way or maybe a cause that’s dear to u and that sparks you. How can u get out of your own self and find a new alluring venture. Will u? How can u show girls like me or of your age that you can be a good influence. I pray that you do what is  good for the world and not just for you. If u need ideas u should ask, we just don’t know enough about u. 

May all of us find a way to give back & make the world a better place.

Always

SO MANY WAYS TO GO ABOUT IT! 

WHEN I SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING IN DESIGN I FEEL AT HOME THERE... 

IT TELLS ME TO KEEP GOING... SOMEHOW I’M ALIGNED.

THE AMAZING THINGS WE DO AND YET WHO EXACTLY SHOULD WE CREDIT? THE INFO OF A PHOTO/VIDEO WHEN TAKEN, BELONG TO BOTH THE ARTIST OF THE PIECE AND PHOTOG. AGREEMENT BETWEEN THEM TWO. THAT’S HOW OWNERSHIP CAN EVEN MEAN A THING. WHAT R THEY EVEN TRYING TO DO ANYWAY? IT’S ALL ALREADY THERE. 

Simply challenging the idea of NFT’s into something more productive. Like hashtags do when ppl tag correctly but if a photo in a location of something could belong to that artist or venue so that they can have it too if they wanted to use it, like a bank of images and when used as we do for all other images, we pay to use it, but it could be from anybody but all of the images taken u get access to bc it’s yours that they are photographing. It’s bc we need content and if we r to use we could use somebody’s image, so it encourages photography (perhaps too much of it actually.) 

Time Machine. Could help more than not but where r all these pictures going? I think they are losing resolution. Could it be? That’s stealing truth lol. Am I egotistical to be caught up in one of my thoughts? Thinking it’s my thought. But we r not our thoughts?

I’m learning. I saw that it truly is perfection. It is utter beauty every part. The fat roll has a story of love, the pain, letting go, the things are necessary for the energy to be what it is. To take us to the next place… the floating palace we r on is quite magestic. 

I hope your kidding! Stopit xo

Entering a new unknown, a magnificent place. What’s the difference of magnificent and magical? Wow we could have even more words. If each word was a world and all it’s synnonyms in it. What the antonym would be, maybe then desirable. 

Moving into a diff bedroom in my house isn’t going to change things. But what it will change is the sun will rise there. It will get warm there in the morning and the sun will crack through the windows to wake me up earlier and I put myself through things not only bc they r painfully great but bc they are necessary. Change is the creation and I have the free will to do it, to myself! I am my own other pet. I am my own parent and my own child and my own victim that needs what I will, from now on decide. Bc I won’t allow it to come from exterior sources. Now u can’t complain, Tammy. Btw I’ve done this several times to myself. I’m not a masochist even tho it’s there to think about. I am too fucking nice to strangers and I’m over my own complaining. I’m NOT emo. Your a fucking emo! Watch me go from sensitive soul to soulless bulletproof who knows what lol. I’m not bipolar. I wouldn’t wish that upon anybody. It’s called PMS. And it’s also pissed off. It’s also just funny maybe and middle fucking fingers up in the air but I’m not even that mad at u or life and I know that’s not how to solve anything. LOL. So what is it? I’ve been trying to figure it out for a time and it’s bc I “lost my mind” they wana say… it’s not true. I love my mind, it’s sharp, it’s exercised like a muscle, it’s hard to shut up when I want to say something… I’ve gotten myself into trouble even recently and heard that I’m not a good listener. I don’t believe it whole heartedly bc I know I am also a good listener and I remember how I was such a dumbass and made a mistake. Dammit Tammy. It’s a really expensive mistake these days. It can be 10k or 20k whatever but damn do I have to get moving on my “art” if I want to survive and afford mistakes on top of it. It’s funny how what I can do is …. Just I don’t want to think of it’s value anymore…. I think what I really want to do is invaluable. It’s LIFE! Lovingly Live Life now has to just happen by ppl who aren’t concerned w the other part. And then there u have it, good real ppl… like me supposedly… til u cross me lol. Then u better stay away. I don’t wana do Karate on your head. I don’t want to hurt ppl. I don’t want to learn to. I rather not know. I know that my goodness and my higher poemwers lol powers will protect me from the evil spirits. Also bc I’m close w them, we tight. And I don’t need a gun. I don’t need the things that bring danger to my home. They have a wrong energy. Not of peace. Not of love. I agree that Americans should have the freedom to have a weapon if they feel called to. Bc I don’t trust the government to be the only ones to. The police are not our friends. I am from a diff era. But pls protect me. I have also thought of being a cop, did I tell u? Prob not. Maybe tho. It’s true. I actually mean it. It’s corrupt. And they don’t like that word once I said it. I am protected sometimes, and other times u can get mixed up in the wrong crowd. Wrong place wrong time. Sucks. Sucks the money. It’s as much as a Cartier bracelet. When it’s locked on your wrist u can now think about the equivalent value of it. U might as well lock it on so good they can’t get it off even for “there” and engrave your lawyers phone # on it. I wonder if they would cut it off. I don’t think so but idk. 

A wave of good…

The writing hasn’t been too inspired and even tho I have much better things to share it’s not the easiest to explain. I realize the difficulties I was just having are bc it’s part of the transition. I forgot that the struggles are what leads us to better things. New friendships that are more aligned to the next level me I’m aiming for and molding into. So now I’m ok w the difficulties I had, I can accept them and be grateful for them. I owe so much of my grounding and love to my little dog who just being beside me heals me, keeps me company and her warmth and her patience are so important to me especially during these times. I really want to let God in and cure all my past karmic issues that are holding me back. Any pain I’ve ever caused anybody consciously or unconsciously. All the moments and opportunities I could have done better somehow to be forgiven and like lift me off and out of any spells, evil eye ties, misunderstandings or mistakes. I wish more for myself as the equal citizen of this planet, that I learn the best way to harness my energy, treat others with utmost respect, be seen for the light I am and to find ways to contribute more, volunteer more, & act more leader-like in my best way possible. That my path be guided with that of least restriction. That my humanitarian nature be what defines me and not for my ego but for the greatest good of all. Ways to save the planet show up more for us. That I can move into being truly responsible for myself and that of others. To reach another level of joy that is based off long term goals instead of instant gratification. That the over achiever in me can back down and be content with what’s simple. That my idea for myself be rebooted and rest assured given new life, to trust the Universal plan and see the spread of what’s positive spread faster than a pandemic! A pandemic of love! Like a wild fire but soft smiles and twinkling  eyes, pure & honest.