I AM going to make it, I AM. pretty exhausted from all the things going wrong around. i need to start over and hopefully get out of this mess
"Whenever you drop something by fight, it is never dropped. You can drop smoking by fighting, and then you will start doing something else which will become a substitute. You may start chewing gum, it is the same; You may start chewing pan, it is the same, there is no difference. You need something to do with your mouth -- smoking, chewing, anything. When your mouth goes on working, you feel at ease because through the mouth tensions are released. So whenever a man feels tense he starts smoking.
You may have decided again and again, and again and again you have failed -- not because smoking is such a great phenomenon that you cannot get out of it, but because you are trying from the wrong end. Rather than becoming aware of the whole situation -- why you smoke in the first place -- rather than becoming aware of the process of smoking, you are simply trying to drop it. It is like pruning the leaves of a tree without cutting the roots.
You cannot stop smoking directly because it has many related things, implications. You are tense, and if you stop smoking you will start something else and the other may be more harmful. Don't go on escaping problems, face them. The problem is that you are tense, so the goal should be how to be non-tense, not, smoking or not smoking. Meditate. Relax your tensions without any object into the sky, allow catharsis to happen. When you are non-tense these things will become absurd, foolish, and they will drop. Food will change, your styles of living will change."
Osho
Bodhi Sarango
I cant explain myself anymore and everything i want to say is starting to all sound the same and its nothing u would want to hear either. I'm going to have to take care of life, life IS a beautiful thing and I'm not living it correctly right this second. Its the truth. My truths may be absurdities to you. If I have all the answers but cant manage to follow through with them, whats the point of knowing? it would be easier not to know that suffer with the fact that I am not strong enough to be that.
I just got off the phone with my grandparents, my grandpa reminded me once again to surround myself with better people... i'm looking for them but why would better people want to deal with having me around? i know that too.
I think im smart, i dont know for sure that i am bc i could be smarter and im not really using my brain to the fullest.
I went to the beach last night after being out and about and cried. I cant even tell u what i was crying about but its an accumulation of things... silly things and non silly things but all stuff thats affecting who I am and how I am having difficulty to function. Thats the point of life, to function in this society, i wasnt thinking of that when i made a lot of choices. I wonder why im having such bad luck... or good luck too really... i do get lucky. I went to the casino this past weekend and should have won... i would be doing better things with that motivation it would give me. I wonder if ppl can understand what im saying bc if u havent been to all the crazy places i have and done how could u even imagine, no way to relate.
I dont think writting all this is helping as much as it should. I dont know why i would have to go to a psychologist instead of just call them on the phone, i dont even have time for that!!! if i could call someone and they would ask me questions and give me the advice i need that would be good enough, i dont know why id have to show them my face. could be like a psychic, or whatever and that could be a huge money making business!
I was going to do what was better these days i had off but i messed up. i keep messing up and i hope to keep writting on this blog until i get over it. i dnt think THAT many ppl read it but its because i share my thoughts out and i dnt want u to get the wrong idea about me, i mean i am just being myself! Why is that so bad?? Ive been hearing that it is and i understand... but that shouldnt be what the problem is! The problem is something else... yes, that.
I think im going to go on this cruise to study photography on the Queen Mary through New York Film Academy... I think i should def do it... I need some extreme experience to change me for the better. i have a lot of love to give but if its not the right person thats not real love for me and i dnt want to pretend, i know ppl out there that do.
I cant wait to go on that trip. It should be me n my camera and i hope i learn a lot and will share that here too. :D
Im feeling a little better right now, i ate some food that made me SO SICK earlier!!!!!! I couldnt go to work bc of it and so now Im probably getting fired, i will find out tomorrow. Its really a shame but I COULDNT go!!! i would have been there with the sweats and puking! That woldnt make sense. but my boss doesnt see it, he probably thinks im lying bc he saw all my crazy facebook status' and they seem like i was having a lot of fun,
which i was.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
private.
Imagine I lied on my blog. wouldnt that be stupid? yes so I dont feel like explaining the truth bc I just dont. Ppl have said that I shouldn't be expressing myself like I am... like its ...whatever they sayy... i guess u can associate it to the days where we would hang our laundry out to dry... everybody sort of knew what ur underwear looked like then i guess...? I have to say its not ike that at all bc im not filling u in any disgusting details! What if i told u i am over every song, that i am frustrated knowing i am supposed to be whatever it is ppl expect... even though i could be that... it makes me wana throw up a little. (is that too modern for the eye? or the throat to swallow?) (YES.) i should go to boot camp... so that i get my ass whooped hard n realize what life is really about... what do u think? Ive heard that before too... idk... maybe that would work. i think that would be a bit strange bc i would enjoy it... i excel in that sort of thing, i do. Remember confession? like u go to the priest n tell him what u did wrong n he comes up w some cure to make it all better for u to move on... I dont have anything to hide obviously... it'll be interesting for me to either drop the face of the Earth or somehow evolve into something that makes sense... we should do a vote... its a 50/50 chance of the two...
I dont want to say something thats too crazy.
I dont want to give you that pleasure.
I am starting to question IF the animal u prefer does shit in the woods or not...
Im not sure they do anymore.
I was really sure a few hours ago but now Im like in a cartoon prison or something.
Nobody wants to hear this, nobody cares. I hate punctuation
So my brother is in Halloween horror nights, whatever that is! never been, cant imagine a gigantic haunted house.
IM FINE.
think about the shape of a piece of chewing gum n how that varies... LOL retarded yes but also we have volcanos and earthquakes n thats basically what they come from... some shit like really weird n stupid like that... not sure but actually the ppl that i ANT to read this prob arent... n thats annoying... i think that all the words need to go down a funnel and through a strainer to get narrowed down to exactly what i want to say... and if i knew what that was then thats IT.
I dont want to say something thats too crazy.
I dont want to give you that pleasure.
I am starting to question IF the animal u prefer does shit in the woods or not...
Im not sure they do anymore.
I was really sure a few hours ago but now Im like in a cartoon prison or something.
Nobody wants to hear this, nobody cares. I hate punctuation
So my brother is in Halloween horror nights, whatever that is! never been, cant imagine a gigantic haunted house.
IM FINE.
think about the shape of a piece of chewing gum n how that varies... LOL retarded yes but also we have volcanos and earthquakes n thats basically what they come from... some shit like really weird n stupid like that... not sure but actually the ppl that i ANT to read this prob arent... n thats annoying... i think that all the words need to go down a funnel and through a strainer to get narrowed down to exactly what i want to say... and if i knew what that was then thats IT.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Another fall back... on my part...
Ok so I have come to terms with the fact that I believe I am a complete nut case. Yup, Its gotta be... I dont ahve any other explanation for it. I need to start ALL OVER but where should I start? I need to see somebody but I already know what they are gona say and hearing it wont solve ANYTHING. It has to come from ME, right? I have to be more consistant! I am over trying to do things for others when I really just need to focus on myself and getting my issues squared away.
I would have never thought that life would bring me here... I mean I have literally driven MYSELF nuts. I know that everyone else has their own issues but its not what I need to even mention! I want to get away again lol i keep running away from my problems... I keep thinking that starting somewhere will make me live like a normal person but the fact is, im not a "normal" person. I have to do what I know I have to do but Im finding it extrememly difficult. I mean, I actually do what I have to do but its like so unpredictable... i go with whatever i feel and something about that has to stop bc i have NO boundaries! I dont care taht ppl are out there like this too, that doesnt make me feel any better about the case. I know that I can improve and I am past the same old routine I put myself through! I am wasting precious time being a complete IDIOT and that doesnt FEEL good other than in that exact moment. I think about what I do and it affects me to see it when I look back and I think its so ridiculous too. I have a lot to offer, I am doing certain things right, I have my morals and my sense but my BRAIN is getting eaten alive! I want to shoot higher, I want to be more valued, I want to spend more time on doing all the things I want so much to do! I need to examine my nitch, how Im going to survive in this world and its just a mess when I notice how I am affecting those that care! Ppl that believe in me and I cant line up the shit and get it right instead of zig zags n swirls around this damn town.
I see all these absurd things happening all around me. Nobody would even believe it. Its just TOO MUCH! Their r ppl out there who wake up and do whats right and are healthy and are happy and they hit their heads too but when you are unbalanced that little hit can really knock you over! I am saying this bc some ppl need to hear it too and maybe reading it will inspire them to take a big giant step in the right direction for themselves as well.
I cant be around whats so obviously pulling me down.
The cool part is TOMORROW is always a new day... you take a warm shower, you get some rest, you eat some food, you do some exercise and your back on track like 1,2,3... now its staying there I have a difficulty with and since its been the same old crazy up n down for 10years their comes a time when nobody is gona do it for u. when its basically just u against the world!
I want to be full of life, full of whats right for ME, I want to be a self sufficient working woman bc i just have to... I always thought somebody would just take over for my parents, yes its dumb, i thought that! i thought that things would be easy like they always were. I thought that being silly and wasting time was fun and now I just have had soo much fun that its not even fun anymore. its gona be fun to make things, to do amazing work that im proud of, to give myself the real gift of life... like traveling, spas, bike riding, organized living, teamwork! motivation, beauty, intellect, great conversation, understanding, cooking a nice meal and staying home with a good movie! why has it been such absurdities and more absurdities?? enough is enough! The shit has hit the fuckin fan once again. Bc i said so... bc its not like im getting paid to be acting like this! LOL so pay me! im so good at it! why not? NOO THANK GOD NOOO! I have a blank slate of a road to walk on... and i can literally walk in circles or just grow some balls and use my compass! Nobody is gona tell me anything I dont know,... thats not the problem... the problem is I have to want it more... bc its easy to FLOAT in the Dead Sea! but its hard do dive deep down and find the pretty pearl...
Im looking for that pearl with out even LOOKING LOL... how the hell can I expect to find it?
It's nothing to be proud of.
I have things to be proud of and all i can do for now is go one step at a time in the right direction.
Lets try this again... here we goo...
I would have never thought that life would bring me here... I mean I have literally driven MYSELF nuts. I know that everyone else has their own issues but its not what I need to even mention! I want to get away again lol i keep running away from my problems... I keep thinking that starting somewhere will make me live like a normal person but the fact is, im not a "normal" person. I have to do what I know I have to do but Im finding it extrememly difficult. I mean, I actually do what I have to do but its like so unpredictable... i go with whatever i feel and something about that has to stop bc i have NO boundaries! I dont care taht ppl are out there like this too, that doesnt make me feel any better about the case. I know that I can improve and I am past the same old routine I put myself through! I am wasting precious time being a complete IDIOT and that doesnt FEEL good other than in that exact moment. I think about what I do and it affects me to see it when I look back and I think its so ridiculous too. I have a lot to offer, I am doing certain things right, I have my morals and my sense but my BRAIN is getting eaten alive! I want to shoot higher, I want to be more valued, I want to spend more time on doing all the things I want so much to do! I need to examine my nitch, how Im going to survive in this world and its just a mess when I notice how I am affecting those that care! Ppl that believe in me and I cant line up the shit and get it right instead of zig zags n swirls around this damn town.
I see all these absurd things happening all around me. Nobody would even believe it. Its just TOO MUCH! Their r ppl out there who wake up and do whats right and are healthy and are happy and they hit their heads too but when you are unbalanced that little hit can really knock you over! I am saying this bc some ppl need to hear it too and maybe reading it will inspire them to take a big giant step in the right direction for themselves as well.
I cant be around whats so obviously pulling me down.
The cool part is TOMORROW is always a new day... you take a warm shower, you get some rest, you eat some food, you do some exercise and your back on track like 1,2,3... now its staying there I have a difficulty with and since its been the same old crazy up n down for 10years their comes a time when nobody is gona do it for u. when its basically just u against the world!
I want to be full of life, full of whats right for ME, I want to be a self sufficient working woman bc i just have to... I always thought somebody would just take over for my parents, yes its dumb, i thought that! i thought that things would be easy like they always were. I thought that being silly and wasting time was fun and now I just have had soo much fun that its not even fun anymore. its gona be fun to make things, to do amazing work that im proud of, to give myself the real gift of life... like traveling, spas, bike riding, organized living, teamwork! motivation, beauty, intellect, great conversation, understanding, cooking a nice meal and staying home with a good movie! why has it been such absurdities and more absurdities?? enough is enough! The shit has hit the fuckin fan once again. Bc i said so... bc its not like im getting paid to be acting like this! LOL so pay me! im so good at it! why not? NOO THANK GOD NOOO! I have a blank slate of a road to walk on... and i can literally walk in circles or just grow some balls and use my compass! Nobody is gona tell me anything I dont know,... thats not the problem... the problem is I have to want it more... bc its easy to FLOAT in the Dead Sea! but its hard do dive deep down and find the pretty pearl...
Im looking for that pearl with out even LOOKING LOL... how the hell can I expect to find it?
It's nothing to be proud of.
I have things to be proud of and all i can do for now is go one step at a time in the right direction.
Lets try this again... here we goo...
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