Which I Was.

I AM going to make it, I AM. pretty exhausted from all the things going wrong around. i need to start over and hopefully get out of this mess

"Whenever you drop something by fight, it is never dropped. You can drop smoking by fighting, and then you will start doing something else which will become a substitute. You may start chewing gum, it is the same; You may start chewing pan, it is the same, there is no difference. You need something to do with your mouth -- smoking, chewing, anything. When your mouth goes on working, you feel at ease because through the mouth tensions are released. So whenever a man feels tense he starts smoking.

You may have decided again and again, and again and again you have failed -- not because smoking is such a great phenomenon that you cannot get out of it, but because you are trying from the wrong end. Rather than becoming aware of the whole situation -- why you smoke in the first place -- rather than becoming aware of the process of smoking, you are simply trying to drop it. It is like pruning the leaves of a tree without cutting the roots.

You cannot stop smoking directly because it has many related things, implications. You are tense, and if you stop smoking you will start something else and the other may be more harmful. Don't go on escaping problems, face them. The problem is that you are tense, so the goal should be how to be non-tense, not, smoking or not smoking. Meditate. Relax your tensions without any object into the sky, allow catharsis to happen. When you are non-tense these things will become absurd, foolish, and they will drop. Food will change, your styles of living will change."

Osho
Bodhi Sarango


I cant explain myself anymore and everything i want to say is starting to all sound the same and its nothing u would want to hear either. I'm going to have to take care of life, life IS a beautiful thing and I'm not living it correctly right this second. Its the truth. My truths may be absurdities to you. If I have all the answers but cant manage to follow through with them, whats the point of knowing? it would be easier not to know that suffer with the fact that I am not strong enough to be that.

I just got off the phone with my grandparents, my grandpa reminded me once again to surround myself with better people... i'm looking for them but why would better people want to deal with having me around? i know that too.

I think im smart, i dont know for sure that i am bc i could be smarter and im not really using my brain to the fullest.

I went to the beach last night after being out and about and cried. I cant even tell u what i was crying about but its an accumulation of things... silly things and non silly things but all stuff thats affecting who I am and how I am having difficulty to function. Thats the point of life, to function in this society, i wasnt thinking of that when i made a lot of choices. I wonder why im having such bad luck... or good luck too really... i do get lucky. I went to the casino this past weekend and should have won... i would be doing better things with that motivation it would give me. I wonder if ppl can understand what im saying bc if u havent been to all the crazy places i have and done how could u even imagine, no way to relate.

I dont think writting all this is helping as much as it should. I dont know why i would have to go to a psychologist instead of just call them on the phone, i dont even have time for that!!! if i could call someone and they would ask me questions and give me the advice i need that would be good enough, i dont know why id have to show them my face. could be like a psychic, or whatever and that could be a huge money making business!

I was going to do what was better these days i had off but i messed up. i keep messing up and i hope to keep writting on this blog until i get over it. i dnt think THAT many ppl read it but its because i share my thoughts out and i dnt want u to get the wrong idea about me, i mean i am just being myself! Why is that so bad?? Ive been hearing that it is and i understand... but that shouldnt be what the problem is! The problem is something else... yes, that.

I think im going to go on this cruise to study photography on the Queen Mary through New York Film Academy... I think i should def do it... I need some extreme experience to change me for the better. i have a lot of love to give but if its not the right person thats not real love for me and i dnt want to pretend, i know ppl out there that do.

I cant wait to go on that trip. It should be me n my camera and i hope i learn a lot and will share that here too. :D

Im feeling a little better right now, i ate some food that made me SO SICK earlier!!!!!! I couldnt go to work bc of it and so now Im probably getting fired, i will find out tomorrow. Its really a shame but I COULDNT go!!! i would have been there with the sweats and puking! That woldnt make sense. but my boss doesnt see it, he probably thinks im lying bc he saw all my crazy facebook status' and they seem like i was having a lot of fun,

which i was.