Turning Adult

 Its Sept 1, 2020 and many months of this Covid. Have been tested twice and all clear. Its been a tough time but Covid also brought its blessings in disguise. Slowing down and thinking over what I have been doing w myself as far as career was a big eye opener. Seeing the new world and whats truly important has a lot to do with my lack of time spent helping others in need and now during the time of nothing social its that which is difficult to find and unpermitted. Sure u can make masks, you can work in the field as doctors and nurses etc. But lots of things are different now. So questioning career has been a big topic on my mind throughout this time. I would like to be doing something with that kind of value bc it is rewarding and would make me feel more connected and of more value so it would give me a better feel for life and for myself in the world. The time to ponder about what truly matters, how to position yourself to survive, the truth of our need to have a financial gain to lead the life where you can then fill with the hobbies and experiences that which will ultimately create your dream life with more options. I didn't take the easy way but I took the way that I wanted to go and I now see how it would have been better to be doing something else. Ive thought about what I could do to fill that missing gap like visit dogs at the pound etc. I have some ideas that would work after Covid passes too. Cleaning out the closets, the garage, the stuff that I gave away and Im still not fully done doing it! Today I did a lot, I am proud of myself and Im currently feeling like I can do the life tasks but Im not consistent enough about it. I have been cooking a lot, eating healthy and exercising pretty regularly but also have different days more than days that have a consistent daily structure. Ok fine, the bed making and coffee is but not much else. Even what grocery store I choose to shop at varies. The garden is done bc of the summer heat of August. I could have gone to Spain but didn't have my passport taken care of on time, they are both expired at the moment. I did some of my dr yearly checkups and things. I had a pretty bad dip down at one point and thought it was depression but Im now better. Still doubting my path and my choices and my life plan enough to be questioning it and found some answers like moving to Colorado and getting my real estate license there. I like that idea but its gona be a challenge. But basically I am 36 now and also thinking about marriage and having a family. I quarantined with an amazing friend and lover who proposed and gave me a gorgeous ring w an emerald stone which was mined by his father in Colombia. Its the most beautiful gesture anybody has ever done for me and this could of course be my guy! my future husband, the father of my child, my knight in shining armor, my partner for this life journey which I finally feel more ready for now than ever. He is sweet, kind, composed, slightly reserved but I think he fully accepts me and loves me so much and I have been showing him more and more of who I am and maybe things are changing as they do naturally. When things started he was very excited to be with me and was buying me thoughtful gifts like a pair of roller skates in white w baby blue wheels, or a saudering jewelry making kit, working on improvements to the house, he was jumping out of bed with glee. Things are still good but I don't know what to think when a guy isn't saying much, sharing much. So, I don't know what he could be mad about but I read a quote that said "A fool is known by his speech; a wise man by his silence" So maybe he's wise not to say. He says he wants to get married which I would do but its Covid and Im trying to be realistic and a wedding now is not the type of wedding I would do. I love him, Im attracted to him and happy to be with him during this time bc it would be terrible to be feeling lonely and alone. Im on a mission to always improve myself and my environment. I also have noticed the friends I have and what it might say about me and if I really want have this big party and bring everyone together to make memories. Its of course every girls dream, isn't it? I have obviously been doing lots of thinking. I feel like I can do life with him and that I can help him with the homemaker stuff that I like doing. I just also want to be sure so sure that I don't have a doubt. Its a really important decision for us and once we are ready to fully commit its got to be solid and feel safe and flow, so for now its about finding the collaborative groove. I love being with him and we agree on pretty much everything like the foods we like to eat, the sports we like to play, the fun and games we like to play, etc. The story is even more beautiful than I have explained. As my choice he is mine. Will it all work out and will we get old together, I don't yet know so Im feeling on my toes. I am competitive and moody and a creative volcano. I think I would be a great Mom and Im down for the realness, the sacrifice, the monotony and even monogamy that marriage entails. Its all new and coming at its perfect time bc Im a woman and starting to feel the older me approaching. Im a kid at heart and always will be, I want things to be done right now and I have difficulty with the mundane tasks but mostly Id say I got it. Ive been opening up to sing more, I was always shy about my voice but Douglas has pushed me to come out of that. He is a great musician, he plays guitar and piano and sings and its really warm to see his passionate soul, its a part of life that makes life, life! I truly adore him. He is so loving and it just feels like the man Id like to stay with. The engagement is this time to enjoy and truly see it all to fully decide and I am sensing a difference. I just want to hear about the depths of his soul and not the daily obvious. Im needing a deeper soul to soul sharing. Its going to be the holidays now and it will be lots to go through, learn about each other and traveling and figuring out so I concluded to take it all in and if all is going well by next Jan I will then begin to take the next determined steps towards planning a wedding and Yes I do want a child. If I get one thats wonderful, and if more that would be lovely but he also already has 3 of his own so I hope it can all be managed. Its this thing called life and I am knocking cuz Im feeling changed and more ready bc I like my thoughts, my experience and believe Id make a good guide. A progressive mother who knows how important love is as well as creativity and laughter. Life's chores would be coated with fun bc you have something to live for. A human being mixture of us with so much to learn and discover. Id like to remember to be my amazing highest self and be the Best version of Me that I can be. xoxoxo

Changing from the Inside, & the power of prayer.

Making some camomile tea to help me sleep its gotten so late. My hours got messed up from sleeping too much actually. I feel sort of depressed these days like I am not sure of my path and trying not to worry but its hard not to know what to do next. Im having to surrender, I went to my first AA meeting in Vegas a few days ago with a friend and Im not sure thats what I want either. I feel like a healthy and alive version of me awaits. Its also a good idea to get on a schedule with the exercise, I wouldnt blame it on Covid, Id be honest with whoever reads this and have to blame myself. Life might be simple for some people but its difficult for me to figure. Lately I havent been feeling myself, have had some feelings of unworthiness, like it would be cool to escape but nobody else thinks thats cool, is it still growing pains? Ive made enough of a fool and tried to win this game but its a long one w so many chapters. I might also want to volunteer, these are all ideas of course to make me feel better, like this hot tea Im drinking. Or maybe a good book will do it? Its been a process starting something new which hopefully makes some money flow for me but thats not done yet and its not easy. I wish it wasnt so late and that I wasnt up unable to sleep but here I am writing, which is something i like to do and dont get around to anymore. Maybe sometimes but nothing im proud of recently. I am doing ok bc I have help, I have a family that cares and supports me and I am so endlessly grateful for that. Years are going by and Im changing and realizing more about myself and so much time has gone by without me doing the right thing like reaching out to my extended family and sending them gifts for Birthdays and Holidays for example. Im 36 now and havent done enough of that, what was I waiting for? to be 40 by the time I woke up to see outside of myself? yea ive been selfish and self consumed and stupid too. Some people are good at being thoughtful and its time I get on that too, I have to think ahead more and generosity goes a long way. Today I went running and still didnt feel the best mid day, the depression thing came back and swallowed me whole and I went to take a nap, somehow I slept thats prob why I cant now. There is this heaviness that comes and makes me feel like its all so difficult and dreary this endless list of chores that never gets done! What happened to the old me? The easy going happy young TAMBO? Shes sorta buried under all this stuff shes created and now we have to take off all the layers and clean her out. So yea, maybe the no drinking will be good but drinking has become my go to, my choice for self medicating and its really hard to let it go! Maybe more of a reason to do it, Im afraid so. I also tried again to get myself a therapist or psychiatrist or psychologist through my insurance today and thats not easy to do either. no Luck on that today but I will try again tomorrow. Tomorrow morning Im starting my day off w a bike ride planned so I need to get to bed to try to rest some. I will again, keep working towards my new biz thing and its not close to being done like I need it to be. I dont know how ppl do it, I find life to be really challenging at times and this has been a difficult year 2020 w the pandemic and stuff, I feel like im still so unsure of things and wishing I was in a better place. Once I can feel like I am things will change for the better and my new hobbies will substitute the old ones and things will come together. Sleep in the night and up with the birds with a jump in my step and a smile on my face and some calm in my heart and even then I will have to keep up and stay ready for whatever else life may bring. So, the moral of this story or the lesson here is that we have to do our share to prepare ourselves for anything to happen and that we stay open and solid through meditation, exercise, fluids, healthy balanced meals, spirituality, connecting w others especially in our communities like my idea of volunteering, finding the help we need to improve ourselves, staying organized in our home (so much work), finding fullfilment through our work, spending the time to have a vision board and goals (long and short term). Im tired now, all this life duty stuff is a lot and I spent too much time doing other things even though I have the answers maybe Im missing some but at least I can start there. I have no other way than just to do it and have patience and love and intention as I do it. Let us pray for the strength and guidance we need from the angels and higher powers and allow the healing to take place. Im praying for us all to find our way and to create a life we live full of Love & Happiness.

Give It All You Got!

Too many times we sit idle

waiting for a chance to live

Life happens, the world changes

and theres something more to give

The stars are out again.

The sun is shining bright.

Its rays transmute my pain into pleasure

my blurriness , into clear sight.

The moment to come out and shine is here.

I stretch my soul to the universe.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Gi- Give, give- it- all- you- got.

Give it all you got.

Truth be Told...

Time to talk about something that makes more sense... I always want to go off on a limb... the last one was bc I thought I needed to let some dark secret out or something, it didn't need to be said but lm trying to completely clear the air in order to move into the future with all the dark stuff out out. Im really trying here.

This is

This is day X for me of self isolation. Day 6 for me taking it really seriously. Its hard because even if you are self isolating, you may be surrounded by people who aren't. Thus complicating your self isolation goals.

So this is where Im at. Im taking a "working vacation". Since my orders are on hold, I've been optimizing my spaces. Doing spring cleaning. And I see others doing the same. I saw people today cleaning their screens.

The recycling didn't come, I guess that wasn't deemed an "essential service".  But for some reason, all the construction sites were still up.

Goodwill was closed, but a homeless artist was there making portraits, I gave him $2.00 to "watch my stuff".

People are running around in masks and gloves.

People are calling their loved ones more. We are FaceTiming, Skyping, and whatsapping. We are telling our primos and friends we love them.

The news is scaring the shit out of us and they are often spreading mistruths or incomplete information. Remember when they said Corona virus doesn't do well in warm environments? Florida to date has about 1400 cases and within the next week, we are supposed to exponentially get more cases.

Long story short, its time to shelter in place. Take this seriously. Ride this out with your healthy person of your choosing, hold them closely, and take advantage of this down time. I know the earth is. This is a great resetting. The earth is taking back its claim. From this, we will write a new future, and we will have earth days where there will be no cars, boats, or airplanes. There are silver linings everywhere, I hope you find yours.

Whatever gets stolen, where does it go? My drone will be there in 5 to get it.

all chipped? lol by 2030 you better be. lol I found my laptop of course. BC everything good and only good is going to happen. I did stay pretty cool but its funny how I almost did feel like it was stolen and thought that ppl came to my house while I wasn't here bc I did leave my house open. So, maybe I should leave my house open? But I like to leave things open... thats more me, its what my Cuban grandma used to do too... aI don't have any Picassos in here or anything. Everything of real value is no longer really in my possession bc its been jacked already! Look how mucky I am! LOL I used to buy Gucci and Louis and Dior and Chanel etc etc but it hurts when its taken and thats what gets taken! So thats one reason why not to have it for me. I literally wove a piece of chain fabric from sequin strips of material and it seems to be gone, hopefully I find it but it was the biggest piece! A Chinchilla fur vest I got in Vegas is bye bye and so is this collage book I made... its all there to use and end up letting go of in a sense, isn't it? So yea use, I am the kind of girl that wears her heels, rocks them and then they are worn, other girls wear their shit less somehow. I wouldn't change it but what I would change is that sometimes we buy these things and they get ruined and thats it. sometimes its not fair. it was washed wrong or a moth ate a hole or the wine stained or something. I can't bare the thought of it but it happens and nothing can be done and nobody cares and its a waste of time to care, its tough luck u gotta buy another one and sometimes we do. but the price sometimes is pretty ridiculous for stuff, isn't it? once used drops to maybe half its value (not w everything) but what Im saying is how so much of stuff gets ruined. The dry cleaners don't even know what they are doing. they ironed pleated pants like wtf r u doing? R u like somehow uneducated and trying to care for designer items like pls stop. we can't even know their name. we take the shit home and then find the mistake later and we should not have paid. I have to admit something... It can't be that important but maybe it somehow is, it was second grade and it was one of those pencils w every color in the same led point... I had to have it and I took it... it was not right and I shouldn't have done that, I got called to the office about it. so yes, I got caught. Im glad I got caught bc its a more devastating story that way.  Eventually I had my Hello Kitty box of school supplies stolen from me n that was a big deal for me. but nothing quite like the art work on a wall in a gallery in Paris... I went to see my art and gone from the wall it was. I can only take it as a compliment, but only bc I can only do that, that I will. LOL. Too good to be true are some of the things that happen, even for terrible things lol and its all a part of the story! Each w different details to the story which makes our unique lives. Me, the chinchilla Hello Kitty, rainbow colored pencil situation is pretty freakin cute, I might have to say. But my laptop no way never especially in 2020. Nothing should be stolen or able to be anymore in this day and age. technology has shown us that we can track valuable items therefore we should. even the dog collar could and should show us where our dog is like our cell phones do. your kids watch and backpack, like the package in the mail. those birds who in cartoon deliver babies are like drones... w your package... before programmed to fly to you they might be in a chairlift hooky military (like birds do lol) can drones swim yet? unnecessary since it wouldn't be a shortcut but def water proof packaging. what if ppl had nets and tried to catch them to take? maybe kids playing games but idk... r we paying this insurance? so penalty for this. I think drones should do something else with their time instead like be the servers of your cocktail at the beach first... then we'll see. a floating spritzer and fan, so maybe they go fetch for us... they would become a communication tool for customers, they sit inside the umbrella and when told to do something, they go do it. Then we would be blaming robots for their malfunctions and a new job of testing these things would happen by someone every morning. I picture it, the diff weights of things affecting it and the clumsiness of the robot and the option for a human instead even lololol Its not a GoGoGadget world yet but maybe if one day a year we can allow it. helicopter head to fly, we r oh so close! Like an umbrella chair, the handle is the seat, the umbrella helicopter above, we go, we won't be allowed to go very fast, thats fine til we r ready to go faster and know the guy to rig it.
Ok, enough. Goodnight. and if we can do all that we might as well make a lil ballerina security guard in our jewelry box, one who will tattle tell about who was there and shit.

Whats Vana White in 2020 wearing?

Ive been needing to come here and share... my idea now is to turn the big wheel of fortune on this thing and like a YIN YANG... just go the other direction. its like the wheel of a ship for some reason and its hard to turn it bc all the pressure to go a certain way has been built up to keep that momentum but now you have to steer it to the light.... its a way I see I can keep on instead of running away and starting a new blog... the way we usually re-invent ourselves... we start over.

So much cool stuff to make! so much amazing things to discover, wonderful ppl to yet meet, experiences to learn from, so much light and the fight to keep our light cuz if the steering is going towards the light it cant also drive towards the dark! So Ive discovered a way that might work! Maybe you knew already>? but I had to learn it for myself and so here I am, pretty proud to finally be here. its like as if the Truman Show of ppl around me had to keep quiet about the secret bc ... bc maybe I asked them to before I got to living the challenge I dont fucking know! Im not like them LOL but what If I turn into THEM and not say anything when naturally I feel like I should! Its So Hard! LOL My channel is too open. this is the gift and it comes with a punishment... we can think of more examples for traits that are GOOD but in extreme forms can be bad. like being too honest is TOO honest so ok say the truth but ,,, u get it. same with too generous, or very disciplined, a well mannered person can be too mannered that it can be annoying even LOL. I just know it can be bc I know it all exists and its all like this! Lets think of what cant be like this... ok, a good painter cant be too much of a good painter. so its about action. Can an organized person be too organized>? YES! prob bc, I imagine that they would suffer wo order around. like imagine taking them to Burning Man in your RV they would need to be in their own tent and fine suffer, suffering is growth, suffereing from what u cant have or achieve is like nature u gota deal with things not always going your way. so too this, too that, too talented for instance... she better be successful! What the fuck r u gona do all talented and not be able to apply it to be successful>? thats talent in a box waiting to POP and thats a shame. Like money laundring backwards,,, you can make a bunch but you cant bc whatever u cant... its a stupid reason probably... its just not what shes good at. SO where r the other mother fuckers at? the ones who fit into the puzzle? They are shy, they are unaware of their own potential to help and offer themselves... they are lacking imagination and need to be like set up and escorted to this job and told what exactly they need to do and how much money they will make and they wanaanknow how many hrs of their time this is gona take and shit.... this is the team we gota be TEAM with. UNLIT with the LIGHT cuz they are in 2019 still.

Im not worried anymore. The trash has the potential to be an artists GOLD. After school activities should be held at the thrift stores in some back room and outside for artsy kids to play with the stuff nobody wants to buy. Thats the mission, the project and the play where to play and no new materials should be used until like college or after college or outside of stuff but not even really. Backsides of paper from businesses should be re used by students who can read the weird shit it says,,, the terminology in a law office, see it.

My laptop went missing for a sec, it should pop back but idk.

I even went to a tarot lady recently. It was like she landed on my lap, like a fairy would. She didnt tell me anything I didnt already know but confirmed a lot. the main thing was FORGIVENESS which is what happened with me and why Im ok now. I just felt and could let go, it was forgiveness. u cant force it even tho u wana do it its not gona just happen,,, its timing and its 2020 so it happened and its just time to grow up and out and like look somewhere else I guess? They say not to look at the past so much but thats all u know and the future is full of anxiety if u dont know where you are or where your going so then ur told to focus on the past and you know your brain isnt gona just stay there... u have stories and all the stories are the past! u love the stories! One major help was to "Change your story" I didnt feel like I needed to but you can change how u look at it... so the whole victim thing was like I won some award bc I wasnt the one who did anything wrong... bla bla bla but over time... u think i didnt do anything wrong? well, I cared less about the nice person I was and became a lil drunk and tainted and then like whatever the recipe for anger and sad can do to this person is that,,, in certain instances she just decides to be audacious and try something she has never done before... Oh and a bunch of revenge! So its like "why not" all of a sudden when Dude, your not that! your a good lil Catholic girl who deserves love and good friends and structure and exercise and love and more love... and your thrown around, land in the gutter, think everyone is your friend even the bumbs and your loving it! your crouching down with them in their tents interviewing them to learn why this happened to them. Then u realize that u will never understand, these ppl dont even make any sense and u cant truly ever understand bc mixed with the lies they are spewing and shit... BUT I thought to myself and realized how It is hard for everything and everyone and how maybe not all of them deserve my time and heart or even money... it wasnt even my money... it was the money I got as part of my budget to live and I was willing to give some of it to ppl who I felt needed it more. I didnt have much tho... but in my case, I knew that more would come the following week, thats nice to know. Not even a job would make me feel that way bc its like you dont know when your not going to be there anymore ... shits cut throat. Projects are temporary and anything consistant is such a gem. The trash is picked up on certain days, its one of those consistant things. Taxes on a certain time of year, I dont like that, I just have to learn more about it I guess. A lot of ppl have structured lives, I guess I have trouble wanting that bc I get tired of the monotony. I like working independantly but also with others.

I will come back to say more but Im tired now.

I am ME. TAMBONATION WORLD. move through it Goddess!

https://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/minor-arcana/suit-of-cups/five-of-cups/


I drew this card and it could not have come at a better time for me. I have been feeling this sense of remorse for all the nonsense that I have written here that isn't to help make the world a better place. It was just self expression and something for me to analyze. I haven't been going to a psychologist or on any medication and I have allowed myself to heal, I have passed through the healing,,, still haling but I am very proud of where I am now. I can't even tell you,,,, I am happier than I have ever been. I have e deep sense of peace, understanding and even love for myself that I never had before. Its like I stopped swimming against the current and Im just in more of the flow of life. I don't care who has left me, it was all part of the process and I now consider myself a HEALER. I have reached a place of knowing and of higher vibration that has filled me with love and acceptance.

I drew this card and if you read it, it might help you too. As you can tell I am very spiritual and like to take in and interpret the signs of my angels and any guidance I get. I always sign up to classes and go alone and read things that fill me with spiritual guidance and I have been through the dark and now I can see clearly and the people who are in my life now (mostly) are the true ones that need to be here. Some of the not so good ones have been of help to get me here so I am grateful for them too.

Its like a heavy weight has been lifted.

I am Happier than ever before, more sober than ever before and the self medicating I do is under control and this is what I know. I am not 100% sober yet but I am not drinking like I used to and I am more in control of my choices. I am the Goddess I am trying to be,,, all in the making and I aim high for myself. Its peace and love baby,,, its going to exude out of me and heal others that I come into contact with. I am who I want to be in this theatrical stage we call LIFE.

I am so happy that the angels heard my prayers and felt my feelings and gave me the answer. I am finally past those shitty people that only put weights on my ankles and had me ferociously swimming up for air, for my life. The illusions. The sadness. it's gone.

Im weightless and free and at peace in my own beautiful soul universe. I am rich with love. I am clean. I am happy. I am TAMARA. I am TAMMY.  I am TAMBONITA. I am TAMBONATION. I am ME.