What I can do…

Is think more positive… I’m pretty positive most of the time but to not let a negative thought permeate long is a new important challenge for me. I find myself telling others around me to do it too. I realize how much what I hear around me or the news or what not I’m sensitive to. I try to steer it out of the gutter. I go to this particular lake scene a lot… I think of a classy scenerio w a dock and I’m wearing a long pretty dress… and she’s holding a drink… here is the thing… to dress up the dream she has martini but I guess it COULD be a mock tail… but it’s prob not bc of when I tap into my mood… maybe we r celebrating something to make this be a special moment and I think I remember what I lied about now… it was just a dreamy vision! A dream is a lie til it’s reality. It’s like maybe I should stop obsessing over this stupid idea but honestly it’s weird! I rather be by the ocean, I rather be doing something adventurous! But this strange scene in only my mind is in itself part of my rebellious nature, like something hard to reach or something maybe? Trying to think of the best thing! And yet, the question is.. would I be happy? Maybe. Maybe for some moments… but then what? Would my happiness last? Of course I’d hope so but there is soooo much more to life and sooo much more interesting shit that I could be including. I didn’t bother. I have a feeling I don’t know what I want. I do know for some things! Some of my good ideas I’m totally hung up on like waiting for somebody to say “ok Tammy, I wanna do that with u…” but maybe only bc I’m not ballsy to do it alone. I guess I have to grow more and I have a feeling my past lives are affecting me, if I had known this would be so difficult I would have been more private. Embarrassed is now an understatement LOL I’m mortified! Like in some snow globe banging to get out. So back to what I CAN do… I can do about half of what I have to do… I CAN do more but I don’t agree with it and so I don’t. It’s like I’m the Castro to my own Cuba or something… don’t ask me. It’s a bad analogy… I’m not ok w losing but I think living and working two hard are opposites. The most important things are going missed. I feel like I don’t know what I just said and probably offended a lot of ppl w it or  so whatever, not my intention. Strange way of putting it. What can I do? I think I can organize and teach and be a parent. Since I can’t hula-hoop and pole dance like a pro LMAO… omg sorry LOL so many things to spend time on and master. I am a designer, a great thinker, an extremely capable woman, a lover, a healer, a mathematician, a writer, a home maker, creator, artist, dancer, singer, companion, and comedian. Ok I love u gotta go! Coox