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I’ve been talking as if nothing. As if it’s this easy peasy Japonesy… lies! It’s so twisted, uncomfortable and difficult to be in what they expect of us for todays “reality” I’m lying when I say I can handle it. Bc I don’t get it at all and I’m good at just being a person surviving but the human is not being. It is always trying to catch up. I have lots to do, lots to face, lots to improve on. I can try all I can, w all my might and still I just don’t think it’s my kind of world to keep up with. I think we have to listen to other views, new perspectives, and expand our design system. Meta verse is just one bubble to look at. It’s not the only one. We have to think of the competition. The ones who want to remain Real. They interest me. Time spent or time wasted and value, what is it worth? Is it even healthy life perspective? Or just a marketing gimmick. Let’s not lose sight of what’s important, of what a healthy human needs to do to be balanced. That these things deprive us of our time playing, exercising in the sun and making food and having conversations w our children. I believe our lifetime is BEST yet to come think of. So start to now. Plan ahead. Don’t be an asshole like think about it. 🎆 Happy New Year 2022! 

Forever

I have to write, don’t even know what to say everytime I come here I just know I do this. Some book said I should write 3 free handwriting pages every morning and that’s a lot. Most times it’s not as long but they also say to never read it, that it’s probably rubbish. I might have to agree but some of it isn’t too bad. I can write bc I write so if I am inspired it should have a nice little twist but it’s mostly free writing and in strange times while I’m in bed and most probably alone or at my desk too but just feeling like I need to express myself and so here I am again. Hoping not to let myself down again I’m feeling so much love for myself bc u have to anyway, it serves us well to do it. It’s seeing u and accepting it. Seems like it’s easy but I don’t look beautiful in every angle lol I have 3 chins, a rounded bumped nose from when I was a baby I fell, I have thin not very full lips from injecting water into them I think it stretched the skin out but the lips done make me look like a duck. Doesn’t work for me. I have a permanent stai in one eye, and slightly rough skin w lots of freckles! Somehow I pull it off but it’s an attitude. I have a lot of Sass. It comes off as bitchy and rude sometimes but I’m sorta joking, it’s a tone. I want to be real and I don’t have a good poker face it’s all right there! Why is it? I’m growing up guys, I’m toning it down major and I don’t even wana go out NYE. I can’t carry all this shit anymore! Should I just break free? It’s all so unknown and mysterious, the things that make me happy are truly design and dancing… and a few others maybe but I’m worried I won’t have a baby. I need to be chosen wtf. Or not fine! But I need to stay happy put it that way. I’m not normal, I’m really good at this weird shit that I need to make happen bc every other girl in this town is selling their bodies it feels like and I’m not sure that’s my Avenue… I told u what I look like and I’m a weirdo! I love it lol. Ok so anyway boring convo w myself… over and over again lol. I need these man hands that idk where they are but I need them and they are strong. They know how to love me and reach for me and our bodies mold like spoons and I want to love his smell and his smile and he’s going to be groomed and funny and super intelligent and idk how or when this will happen but I’m trying to manifest it. Manifest for a man lol why haven’t I done this enough? I’m not easy, I’m overly critical, I can be. I think I can change the patterns. They are quite engrained in me these patterns from my parents and I’m worried about those a bit but becoming aware of them is the first step & so I’m doing that. I can’t live in fear any longer, in sadness or negativity I just can’t and I don’t care if I’m alone at least if I’m in good company w myself creating and dancing I’m happy. I love being alone actually. I don’t have to deal! It’s the closest thing to freedom but I want a family, I have my own babies and I want to get married even if it’s not in court but just a declaration of love! I do! I can’t do it alone. I fucking suck lol. I am here to win babe what the fuck! I love it, the ups and downs and twists and turns it’s never a dull moment and if it is God Bless it, for it’s a transition. I love you Roxy! I love the air from the fan slightly moving and the soft pillows and my silly thoughts I’m trying to tame. The light, the dark, the kaleidoscope! Sleep too I need more sleep. I love u angels. Sometimes I feel like a female Jesus. Pray for us all! The ones w COVID and let the animals be free please!!!! Stop slaughtering them and keeping them in cages I beg you. I love u cows and pigs… I want to play w u. Join me in making heaven here. It could be so fantastic, I can see it and I can feel it. Thank You Lord! 🙏🏼💝

Hands Together 🙏🏼

Feeling infinitely prepared for the dreams about to be caught and wishes heard through prayer and whisper and even tho mistakes can happen I know that the good will outweigh the bad by mountains of angels to our rescue. Hopeful, kind, spiritually in tune and more than ever peaceful, positive and prepared. My internal changes are like a well w a pulley, and able to fly through the forgiveness, love and of course lots of strength. I’m also mad at myself for the mistakes I’ve shown, but I’m a learning human being who wants to be the best. It’s really tough and it is for all of the journeys. Guidance and love is the best medicine, a power we need to feel more of and never allow a single soul to lack. So reach out to who may be lonely. Love w your only medicine and befriend a stranger that you forgot you knew. They ppl right at your side are who you should meet. There is no coincidence. Try trusting. Stay happy for the greater vibe, for the good. Worry is a taste test you didn’t like so move on so quickly so that you can find where is your fav. Don’t do what I did, always train yourself to see the bright side and to honestly have respect. Find what you love and follow it. All is a miracle, save your soul from what dims your light. Feed it w good choices and thoughts. I’ve opened the door to forgiveness but haven’t found the key to love. Gods plan. Trust. Appreciate all that is. Divine timing is part of the math. Prayers…

Thankfull

I’m profoundly thankful like a bottomless well or something. Cheerful. Gleeful. I am dancing through life making others feel good as much as I can and every now and then I find myself on low energy unable to give as much of my over flow Bc I can get depleted and I can be tired but not want to sleep,,, like now lol. It’s 3am and I am in bed but I’m reading a book and it’s really good, my 3rd book in a month and this one is going to be a long one so it’s going to take time but I’m already inspired and excited by it. It speaks to me. For me a big thing is the writing and of course the topic. So I’m learning. And the channeling is something that might happen to me when I write and this writer for “The Artists Way” is speaking my language. I feel as though I’m growing into myself quite nicely and I like the majority of my choices. I have faith that I should just keep going Bc there is so much I want to do and I just have to do whatever makes me happy and what makes most sense to me and let God do his thing through me. I’m trying to get a lil out of the way of that. You have to really think sometimes but you also feel and you also have to really LOVE and that happiness and inspiration that comes of it that makes you glow is where it’s at. This book I was reading that I have JUST started said that. I want to travel and I want to love someone. I want to keep feeding my soul. I like spirituality and things and colors and people! I actually love ppl even tho boy do they let me down! Lol. I don’t care, let them do what they wana do! I’m totally fine. I’m thick skinned, I am also a happy alone type of person but I’m just saying I do feel like that is what’s missing. I recently met someone who I get a long w really well and stuff but isn’t “the guy” I want to get into a relationship with. I am just glad that there are ppl who I can get a long w so well that life feels effortless and that they make me feel good! That’s really important. Then I also ready that your soul mate will be a pain in your ass somewhere else LOL  

So am I everyone else’s soul mate? Jk. 

Anyway, I want to dance more. I like to dress up too. I just wana go places a lil and then also be home to read my books and do my home body time, I need to! I’m a introvert/extrovert. And I need to go innnn and create! I can’t just be out dancing every fucking night okay. I need to fucking balance and I am but it’s like so easy to unbalance this space ship! TAMBOLANDIA LOL 

So Run, sun, juice, personal care, nourish, read, love, connect, my dog, the planning, the goals, the lists, the calendar, the people, the moon, the downloads, the business, the growth, the progress, and the flow my dear. Don’t forget to keep dreaming! And the dreams will come true, they always do. THANK YOU.

The little games

I learned something new about myself and I always wanted to understand it. I noticed an accumulation of triggers and after the multiple incidents w different ppl I’d always find myself to be “right” in my way about why I chose to do what I did and that my Ultimate intentions were good. What I didn’t notice is that ppl are different and unable to understand for themselves or see outside of themselves enough and basically chose to either stick around, or not, or understand it or not and many ppl just aren’t so deep and have their reasons to take things personal as some sort of a personal attack and my personality also comes in and I show my emotions when it’s gotten to a certain level. Besides having some PTSD from certain incidents I’ve had or levels of what I’m willing and unwilling to put up with myself. I can have assumptions, I’m flexible to learn and curious to understand and get through to the next level IF I think you’re worth it. Also, my biggest lesson w all this is that I may POP but, sure it can be for a reason but their shouldn’t be any reason to pop I guess… Bc their is a better way of communicating. Of asking a question instead of thinking a thought and reacting based off of that. So it’s maturity. I do it all the time. It’s a constant in life to know what is the best way to handle things… but when I’m about to Pop is when I need to use it more! Not everyone understands how that may be a passionate way of showing my emotions, my deep felt thoughts, what’s important to me, the letting of emotions. But it’s going to help me to not react like that and try to be a more smoother line on a graph than one of lots of zig zags, mountains and valleys. It feels good to learn that Bc I think I finally understand it. :)

Crossed Fingers...

 I remember when I was a little girl and I would cross my fingers. I still do it. I remember those 80s textured walls I would scratch my limbs on. I remember that time I woke up upside down or something and couldn't find the door knob, instead I was trying to get out of the window! I remember the drying lines, the antennas, the manners I was taught and how quiet I was bc I was a sponge observing everything. I remember talking to my dolls bc what else do u do if not? I liked being the teacher. I did it w my dolls make believe and with actual kids I could manipulate during recess, I had my own ballet class! quite productive! but it wasn't always that way lol. I guess I like being a leader, I liked having the attention but it was also very pure, a little piece of popularity perhaps? none of it lasted too long. I had to make new friends a lot. I grew an attitude. I was just shuffled here and there and just absorbing the whole thing knowing id soon be thrown in a different direction again. I had a reason for being the way I became but nobody knew that part about me really. I believe ppl do want the best for us but the look holes, the gaps that don't allow for a match... its not a kids fault and its a life tampered with. everyone has a different story. So many variables, I wonder if the right way to go is as interesting. Kids in a class remind me of objects collected from diff parts. Another assortment, each a diff flavor, and spit balls, and time wasted... nobody seemed to know what they were doing. Even in college, so odd. By now I hope they do bc wasting  time wasn't solely the kids' fault, I think it was almost more the teachers. lol. Thats so terrible. I have these memories, so many ridiculous memories, stories, culture, societal lessons, places and things, unbelievable. I am just so grateful so have had the journey I had. Things take time, to make you the more mature you, ppl marry young, they have such real lives, we chose a career, a partner, and become a parent so many times so young! Naturally. Its more natural to make a beautiful mistake like that and yes it is a blessing. It gets harder to later in life I think. I am juggling w diff realities. Why can't he come and save me already LOL ;) Im not sure anymore. I have to really think about what I want. I realize that I am not truly firm on one idea cuz I need a partner I can feel supported, I believe in the dream... I choose to believe in it, I want to find real love, is it so? ugh But of course and I also want to hibernate like a bear for the whole winter. Pray for peace be with me. Cuddles xoxoxo

What’s the temperature?

I can speak Chinese, Bird Call, I feel for the dragon fly, I got someone upset, I’m just obsessed w Roxys warmth. I’m such a mother. Soooo lucky. Omg. Ya, good for u! Go for it. I’m good. I’m ok. I’m grateful. What else do u want me to say right now? Does that sound like… something… I didn’t like it either. My mom was 24! My Dad wanted it… he walked his pregnant woman on the beach at the break of dawn…really? And so now what? What about me? Have I become too vocal? I’m like allowed to be this way? Have I forgotten my manners? And will I ever learn?