You are the Light.

 Tons of ppl I know are in Tulum now, I was just there before... I feel So lucky to have been able to go. I didn't get to explain the story of my stay there... OMG I have to explain everything so much oh my. Im listening to something else while I write this and so its like confusing my thoughts and maybe even lowering my vibration to do two things at once. Its about that we choose our parents before we arrive here.

So I have to create a proposal about getting a place in Mexico... the place I found its a generous space with SO much potential. So this is a whole thing that I need to do and Im not sure that I want to be involved with that many ppl... I have some history about having trouble speaking well to ppl... so like when I want something from somebody I should charm them, b sweet to them, stay composed and even work on my feminine... instead I get passionate and pushy to motivate them and bc I understand where Im coming from and showing my deep desire it actually works against me and repels or maybe you can put up w it, thats great, those are the ones who last as ppl around me but I do notice it myself. I hav a sorta short fuse sometimes and even tho I apologize and mean well haha Mean, Well... Lets NICE WELL! ;) I have quite a few shortcomings and thats one of them... but they say I should talk about the positive... ugh so boring sometimes LOL. No, dome want talk about that sorry! It is all in the end how u feel about yourself and everything that happened to u and I am strong and thats what made all the difference. well, strong now maybe... life has made me weak, thats true. We are all different. We think differently and have all these same sort of connections and parallel worlds and it just Only matters on our own individual interpretation. So the dark brings u to light and everything is working its way, its magic. You happen to be part of the magic. So for the magical medicine that u spew it can change by the chemistry of what you put in your body, and the mental thoughts in your mind and what I'm MOST worried about is the energy of others... I wonder how much that is affecting me bc I know its important but do we land in the same place eventually? or does our free will bring up to diff places, completely diff places lets say. Idk. So yes our thoughts matter but even the wrong road can maybe bring u someplace better lets say. I guess cuz its possible. The hierarchy is so fake and rigid, the streets are filled with kooks! Now where would u rather be? Locked in a castle or walking in skinny blackens and boots down an alley? For me the difference is in the freedom, I rather be free. Its harder to be free the higher up you go, the more money u make the more ppl need you and Yeah u are making money but they r also robbing u of your life and time with kids. No? Crystal Ball... "Will I have kids?" "YES" Yipeee!!! Ok so when all my friends kids are adults I will finally maybe be a Mom. Maybe... I don't have Crystal Ball.... I became a psychic and heard an answer ... I heard the answer that I wanted to hear, but if the answer u want to hear doesn't seem right then u know your answer isn't right so u PIVOT! Shashe Shante! & then u shake your booty, shake your booty!!! lol. 

obviously have things to say but don't feel like getting at them. I wish the typing on the keyboard was more silent... I would upgrade to that seriously. & I would also go in there and look at what everybody else wishes !!! hahhaha ;)

Careful, they will steal your good invention! This place is bananas seriously. If this mother fuckin pres thinks he and all his Covid team can stay in the Whitehouse LOL... we gots quarantine for two weeks, nobody should go in there for at least two weeks, idk how it works but I want to know more. Its so late... I like it,, its sooo peaceful at this time. ppl wake up at this time to feel this and then chant hahahah explain that to me... ok fine meditate. we should have all this cool stuff implemented in society, in school systems, and learn how to be more self reliant. Im like a broken record, I'm not broken I'm bent out of shape lol. Gym starts next week, finally! I start going to the gym around Thanksgiving lol, love it. I have GOT to stop drinking and thats really like way too hard yo. I tried it and then... its like I have triggers and they are intertwined w my way to function, its basically coping habits. its a huge problem and I know it, its not normal and its got to stop. But its actually normal for ppl, like its normal in my family for instance, its normal lots. This year has been pretty important. I can't believe ppl r out right now. Im happy to be home here talking to myself bc its SAFE actually. Its like a whistle in the wind. I need to go back there w him he's there and I'm here and now I miss him. 

Night Night

Love, TAM

 https://youtu.be/aEYsqvxcp9A

Into THIS... watch it. 

WE MUST Writing for me is a time I get to be with myself. I get to feel what I’m feeling and find new ways to see things by allowing myself to express what would have never been felt and allowed without the stuff that came before and me bringing myself to these places in my mind. I get to know myself a little more. I process through the grief or allow myself to be free in my thinking. I think in order to reach a new level and collectively we should remember we should aim there... we have to spread more connection, have better relationships in life that help us be better and give us the love, connection, acceptance, desire to reach out for one another and less allowing without wanting to be good and help one another more. We have to be a team and we have to be real enough to tell (me) what I might need in order to be better. At least that’s what I do for others and that’s how I show my love but sometimes ppl feel they are being judged or managed or taught and they might not like it. It’s bc of how they are looking at it bc you have to fix yourself to feel the love behind it. We can’t be so easily bothered anymore, we have to be meditating more and intoxicating ourselves less in order to master this. Our collective flaws are apparent but we have to only and first take care of ourselves. I know I do and if I can do that well it should prove to God and a partner that I’m fit to take care of a baby or a child or a teen or our elders and parents. This might be the most important & effective way to shift the  collective consciousness. I love life a little more having said that from just simply knowing it and it being just inside of me even tho it’s not only inside of me, it’s inside of all of us! I feel the lift off my chest when I put my thoughts into writing and they are positive. I don’t “like” saying the negative, it’s not as much ME as the positive but I like to push boundaries and play with fire or Magic. I’m not sleeping yet and I know I should be but I also very much like doing this. I like feeling inspired with energy and it has light to share. I have to stay in the light!  But The shadow work is also important. I have to meditate more and get on a better rhythm w the sun moon and stars. It’s not just the connection with people it’s also the connection with the Devine and the almighty and you will have the dips that bring u down and the repercussions of choices who will bring u up. Now to deal with it all with your LOVE. We must.

Princess & the Pea

Is the stacked up mattresses that w a ladder we climb up to experience.. but turns out it is the TOTH FAIRY in the backwards world! (Or something) 

So instead of planting a pea for u to feel unfomfy... we put a tooth. And we are in the backwards world. Now your the tooth fairy for the child and u have to donate something: 

That’s all.

SAME TEAM

 A screw loose, if I say so its worse. You will have to believe it and use it against me later but its just words... dont be so sure about the intention behind it. Have an open mind and give me the benefit of the doubt. Its my personal blog, Im not guaranteeing you some Picasso. I couldnt sleep. I have my reasons. I have good reasons, or so I think I do... I never talk about them or important stuff like who to vote for or what you should wear tomorrow. Id like to know what you have to do tomorrow so I can help you get there... its cuz my role as helping my man be a better man and me being more feminine is sorta based around the simplicity of this. I dont know what else I can do better. I believe its in my nature to make my man a better man and I might have "bad timing" or be sorta on the side of not so in control, not so normal... inspiring women must be like me... im not trying to be like this, I know I just am,,, its like the grooves in our brain,,, the ones that make certain things easier and other things harder,,, its bc we did them more or did them less,,, thats all it is. So Im me bc of an accumulation of things and acts that first of all led me here and then over and over I did the same or similar things to believe they were what I wanted to do and the more i did them the more they became a part of me and now the harder they will be to create a new groove or get accustomed to a new way. Its like I was a runner, a cross-country star and so going for a run now isnt as hard as it might be for others who didnt have those carved out grooves like the kind that become paths in the snow and so we see which way to go bc we can see other ppls marks even for instance. Its like all these things that not only we do but also we think, the ways in our mind and patterns we have created and now that we can see them its something we want to try and change but it gets more difficult over time. so we have to stay flexible, we have to be playful and change the patterns, the rhyths, the ways. we have to try to use our left hand sometimes and we have to notice when things get stressful what it is we do. Our triggers, our annoying repititions, its all we know! So the major point here is to be gentle with ourselves. we are our own loving parents. We are all we have, we are our biggest House keepers, we are our Gods, our disciples, our decision makers, and ultimately more than ANYTHING the ones who we fall back on. Im getting so much better at this btw... you should believe me when I say this too. I am the temple and the tone of my HOME, the real home, the vibration I am isnt something u can tell me its what I know and Im strong so its also how I internalize it for myself! Im better bc of the shit I have been through. I am through it. I am still alive, I sometimes still do think about "not being here" bc the way we have it is brutal, Im gona go ahead and admit it. I think so much can be more HUMAN, more kind, more easy, more SIMPLIFIED and so bc I see that it can and how we are being so complicated to our own selves or whatever I am just feeling it, knowing that it can be better, and if I suffer and feel so much and know that so so easily there IS a better way then it makes me like throw in the towel a bit,,, I throw a temper tantrum sometimes! I am speaking to a damn recorded voice who doesnt understand my issue and it frustrates the hell out of me bc there R glitches. And when so many of us need JOBS and they wana give us no option but a technology trap that takes up sooo much more time than an actual person would a person w perhaps EMPATHY, oh no she would not be hired. The person cant even help u once u reach one. its all a mistake, its all a joke, its all just a hurdle that took us almost a whole day or more to get passed. BUT WAIT, dont we need jobs? why are all the machines wasting SO much of our time? its not perfected yet and some form of human should come to the rescue for us more easily and when needed. This is when I say and think things like that I dont wana be here anymore and such... its not that i didnt mean it in the moment, its that its just a moment and thats maybe what im used to as the entitled spoiled brat that I am but guess hwat> what? I still have to face the same things and get passed them. I even laugh at myself, I even later regret what I did. thinking that Maybe one day I will act more maturely and less impulsively and be the grandious goddess me and everyone else needs me to become already. Then, I even go as far as to think that THIS is the reason I dont have children Yet, bc I am still a child. So I blame myself these super heavy Truths and truly believe them and so when it seems like im being nice to myself finally im actually Back at it again masacreing the finite beautiful moment from birth to death and around again and all I can say is, Im used to it! Some ppl have a really hard time w all of this and while they are trying to come around again im like in my padded gear disquised as an OWL in the tree seeing nocturnal and camoflaged and im coming to get you when you least expect it type shit bc I really dont quit, ever. Things that arent nice and try me are what keeps me up at night and if I have backup then I am ready. Its the weak Tammy that we come across that none of us like, but shes real and she takes balls to show. I want everything to be perfect, or be as close to it as possible. I love the mistakes but I have to like them. the way things feel, the fact that its always no matter what actually improving. but sometimes it hurts, life hurts and we should not be the one to hurt ourselves bc it will happen, we have to be ready. we have to be strong and we have to know that The Blame is like a ball we are juggling and some things are like a game. I dont regret what I have felt but maybe what I have done bc I could have done better. better to myslef and to others, i know that, its something im pretty sure about. The same way things in society arent perfect... the same. Ok Im going to rest now. I will try to be better and better and I hope you will too. Lets be on the same team. Love TAM

Stars

Hey, I’m staying at this place called Villa las Estrellas in Tulum, Mexico. It’s right on the beach and it’s perfect like many places are here. This spot is quaint and it’s a yes not a no like “ain’t” sounds like u wouldn’t Wana stay here but I think anyone would and more ppl should get to do some of these things that most ppl never get to do. Like travel and see more that God put on this Earth for us to see and enjoy and learn from and experience. It’s like books without all the writing. It’s sometimes just what you needed, the same answer resides in so many possibilities perhaps bc so many lessons are able to be seen in so many ways and over time your human gratitude expands far enough to reach a sense of peace cuz it’s all this beauty that the amount of it gets overwhelming and then it reaches a place of understanding like the way the cup that was half empty is now overflowing in all these incredible patterns of harmony that it gets to look back and where it once was and through the clear glass, now the water on the other side can pass by and without it it wouldn’t be able to be there. Hahaha that just came out! Lol.  But that’s a good way of putting it. If I would have been scared to follow that train of thought then I wouldn’t even know where it would have led me! So that is my gift. We can even learn from our own selves! The shooting stars, if they could see us down here we would also look like shooting stars to those over there. At least that’s what I think. These guards on the beach flash their light to guard and that would look like a funny shooting star to me if I was up there lol.  If lol means I laughed out loud why don’t we have more codes for more things we do. It’s kinda stupid to type it in as much as I do. It’s generous, let’s put it that way. I think ppl whom are respected just take them out. That’s how they are better than me... cuz it’s funny that they didn’t laugh, but did they? Like r they serious? U wouldn’t know bc they didn’t put the lol that in the end makes it super phony. It’s a little bit of a habit but I actually do laugh a lot and sometimes I write it and don’t actually laugh out loud but it softens it? Our language has changed over time and This is what it’s gotten to? No no pls don’t use me as an example! I don’t want to be responsible for making mistakes just yet lol. The oceans crashing waves are really loud and the windows are closed. I guess diff nights might have a diff rhythm, tonight’s been a bit tumultuous. Wish it was more soothing. And if so, so did others when I said some angry caca shit! (Not laughing but what am I to do?) just love more right? Yeah that’s all u can do. Or say more soothing stuff in the future to balance it all out lol... what if I over balance it w the soothing part? What does that look like? Prob a pretty wave... yes of course. I like hot whispers on my skin they are soft but I used to like roller coasters! Kayaking is better for ppl! Make them Kayak a Bunch lol that will make them get a goods nights rest after! Or something. Bla bla bla I’m getting tired. Never heard of anybody using ear plugs for the waves at night tho so lol. I guess I should shower to calm down. I’m also ready to go home and get back to my things, my life, my partner, what makes more sense to be doing. I always Wana do the right thing I’m so funny, you wouldn’t think it but it’s true. Life is to be shared w the right company, that’s the best! So yeah back to what I was saying earlier.,, ppl need to get to do these things and they need to do them TOGETHER. God Bless Your Soul for reading this and let’s reach for the STARS!!! ✨

Oh Nothing.. Just here...

 Ok hey, hiii...

Im fine, I promise! I keep saying that too... so strange yet I really don't want ppl to worry about me. Ok so, I got a fucking job... yup... not that I want to... well, maybee I want to! haha,, well so it doesn't give me a right to be rude to others,,, who lets say, don't have a job... well maybe mayyyybe its as rude as flaunting your success! yes that CAN BE rude. I didn't like it, that one time in band camp ;) I am WE aren't in Band Camp either, neither have I ever even been. I wasn't that infatuated by the little strings on a guitar or my little fingers pressing on the keys of the damn piano... I just wasn't. It doesn't make me a bad person either. Your a bad person, I bet, for reading my blog. Fuck you. Oh wait, we can't be friends again? u mean after we made love all those times??? yeah prob not! Ok fine! Go fuck yourself! Stupid. I am happy, I have some amazing product in my hair, it smells like something .... hahahaha I can't say it.... You'll think Im, racist. anyway, I came here at almost 5am to say something... I forgot what it was.... oh well, I can't even remember! I remember now,,, its that, he's in the bed sleeping w me and he has his back to me.... I don't want him in my bed if he's not hugging me,,,, yes I GOT RULES... Its my "boundaries" lol,,, so yeah NO. Go sleep in your own house OR pay my damn rent so I shutup. Til then, u got me... like dis. Can you handle it? No. I will answer that for U. Like there I did! BOOM. Bada Bing Bada BOOM! Wakata! hahaha. It had to be three of those! I was on a roll today... not an ecstasy just a regular ol' roll... like one after the other... like being crazy all over the town... I took the bus... I woke up mad first of all... I wellll I woke up and had to put the pieces together... and then I remembered I was angry LOL I know its pretty funny but its true... so then I was angry... and then there I was laying naked and alone in bed ANGRY bc I slowly remembered what happened the night before... and THEN I went in the other room and there he was... sleeping... btw I'm not even gone tell you guys what time it was LOL... cuz thats a secret... (I have secrets) (dumbass) SO, he was there, confirming my anger... (((bc obvi he wasn't in bed w meeee hellloooo))))) YA... so Im like awareness seeping in... and so... I love him right,... if I didn't this wouldn't bother me as much. I LOVE THIS GUY... I don't just need to be fucked for the fifth time in the damn sun up.... I want to be held. Even if I have my period! I want say Dumbass again, I had to, so there. DUMBASS. me or him>? not sure who,,, the word needed to go there. I miss him even right this second. I miss you! hellooo can u hear me? I am only human here typing my thoughts... one day we will have the technology that will do that for us LOL. Butttt the guys who can invent it, don't have the best thoughts either ZLOLZ≥ I love U whoever you are. I love myself too... should I have another beer? Im always trying not to... Im like preventing myself from being a complete and total alcoholic bc I know whats right and whats wrong... ok I'm getting a beer... lol...I wasn't going to but then I did... I ate some sweet potato too... u know to balance it... bc I told u before... I knowwww whats good for me. I know a lot by now... Im fucking 36... well =if the number could be fucked,,, LOL how to fuck it? what does that even look like? idk its just another one of my jokes.Sometimes I say terrible shit, that came v

close! but I mostly have incredible thoughts... I like them, mostly, the majority of them. Can u hear me??? Im fucking talking!Who is Jack Custo? idk why that name came to mind right now... idk I dont even know him LOLOLOL. Ok its bc the fucking other guy who is from those Spanish like fables... UGH what the fuck is his name.... dammit Tammy. I suck. Suck it good! lol ok NOW Ive really done it! omg I'm so embarrassing seriously BUT that was my thought! so if I'm going to he true to this game then why would I leave that silly naughty stupid part out? u tell me. So no, I didn't. 

Ive been a bad bad girl....

I HEAR SIRENS... 

MY BODY CRACKS!

WHY IS THIS ON CAPS???

HAHAHAHA 

I must have pressed it.

SHIFT, RETURN.

Fuckin-A

Ok I think Im done now...

Oh no Im not... soooo He is my guy right... I really do love him and he really does love me... Ive been such a bitch tho! I told him to leave and I was kicking like push kick off the bed....; he said nicely "please don't do that babe" Im like WQOW R UUUU POLITE! Polite/Composed/ and fucking AMAZING... is what I shout to myself... I was like kicking him off the bed just for attention btw! ONLY. He wanted to go to sleep... I know u wanna go to sleep but like don't put your damn back to me... I don't NEED to be in a relationship!!!! I mean I actually do need to be in. a relationship but the guy needs to pick up the tabs. This guy has it MADE like MTV W ME. Im over it. He has all the apps... to send me the money. I need your money... not if u don't have money tho... I don't want money from a broke ass nigga... I need money bc u are a very amazing man and u love me and u wanna take care of me. Yes its 2020, I was born in 84 and I didn't burn my bras w those bitches! My mom did! (sip of beer) I love my house, this nigga wants to marry me... I can't even take care of my own damn self good enough yet... go marry someone else! Im like "taken" taken in the LALA Land that Ive been living in for the past 30 years! Im ok I really am aI promise. I am so fine its like just another episode of..... wish I could tell u... 

I IIII

I have learned so much recently... I have learned about myself and about the world and about like well I have just questioned myself... I am questioning it all... I can hear the damn AIR.... white noise... I hear it. and I also hear a high pitched ting, constant tinggggg...... do u? I wana know. So, last night, same thing! he actually went to go sleep in the other room... maybe bc I was being UP and like wanted to sing songs as I was playing them off my phone... stupid phone yes... I was and I did Yes... and so he was like peace... LOL he's very cute ... like I really do love this guy... I just didn't like that he did that... bc I dint want be left alone DUH. I drank too much today... I did bc I want to stop... and like it could be my last day,... but I don't wana promise that yet. ok maybe that right there says I have a problem LOLOL... I just dont want to promise something that I can't fulfill BC it will actually make me feel worse... then its like I have a problem and I can't keep my word! Wow, useless. NO THANKS!

Life is made of MAGICK....

thats like Vag & dick

the woman and the man... its nice to see the woman come first! Am I seeing things>?

Oye chica por favor!

Turning Adult

 Its Sept 1, 2020 and many months of this Covid. Have been tested twice and all clear. Its been a tough time but Covid also brought its blessings in disguise. Slowing down and thinking over what I have been doing w myself as far as career was a big eye opener. Seeing the new world and whats truly important has a lot to do with my lack of time spent helping others in need and now during the time of nothing social its that which is difficult to find and unpermitted. Sure u can make masks, you can work in the field as doctors and nurses etc. But lots of things are different now. So questioning career has been a big topic on my mind throughout this time. I would like to be doing something with that kind of value bc it is rewarding and would make me feel more connected and of more value so it would give me a better feel for life and for myself in the world. The time to ponder about what truly matters, how to position yourself to survive, the truth of our need to have a financial gain to lead the life where you can then fill with the hobbies and experiences that which will ultimately create your dream life with more options. I didn't take the easy way but I took the way that I wanted to go and I now see how it would have been better to be doing something else. Ive thought about what I could do to fill that missing gap like visit dogs at the pound etc. I have some ideas that would work after Covid passes too. Cleaning out the closets, the garage, the stuff that I gave away and Im still not fully done doing it! Today I did a lot, I am proud of myself and Im currently feeling like I can do the life tasks but Im not consistent enough about it. I have been cooking a lot, eating healthy and exercising pretty regularly but also have different days more than days that have a consistent daily structure. Ok fine, the bed making and coffee is but not much else. Even what grocery store I choose to shop at varies. The garden is done bc of the summer heat of August. I could have gone to Spain but didn't have my passport taken care of on time, they are both expired at the moment. I did some of my dr yearly checkups and things. I had a pretty bad dip down at one point and thought it was depression but Im now better. Still doubting my path and my choices and my life plan enough to be questioning it and found some answers like moving to Colorado and getting my real estate license there. I like that idea but its gona be a challenge. But basically I am 36 now and also thinking about marriage and having a family. I quarantined with an amazing friend and lover who proposed and gave me a gorgeous ring w an emerald stone which was mined by his father in Colombia. Its the most beautiful gesture anybody has ever done for me and this could of course be my guy! my future husband, the father of my child, my knight in shining armor, my partner for this life journey which I finally feel more ready for now than ever. He is sweet, kind, composed, slightly reserved but I think he fully accepts me and loves me so much and I have been showing him more and more of who I am and maybe things are changing as they do naturally. When things started he was very excited to be with me and was buying me thoughtful gifts like a pair of roller skates in white w baby blue wheels, or a saudering jewelry making kit, working on improvements to the house, he was jumping out of bed with glee. Things are still good but I don't know what to think when a guy isn't saying much, sharing much. So, I don't know what he could be mad about but I read a quote that said "A fool is known by his speech; a wise man by his silence" So maybe he's wise not to say. He says he wants to get married which I would do but its Covid and Im trying to be realistic and a wedding now is not the type of wedding I would do. I love him, Im attracted to him and happy to be with him during this time bc it would be terrible to be feeling lonely and alone. Im on a mission to always improve myself and my environment. I also have noticed the friends I have and what it might say about me and if I really want have this big party and bring everyone together to make memories. Its of course every girls dream, isn't it? I have obviously been doing lots of thinking. I feel like I can do life with him and that I can help him with the homemaker stuff that I like doing. I just also want to be sure so sure that I don't have a doubt. Its a really important decision for us and once we are ready to fully commit its got to be solid and feel safe and flow, so for now its about finding the collaborative groove. I love being with him and we agree on pretty much everything like the foods we like to eat, the sports we like to play, the fun and games we like to play, etc. The story is even more beautiful than I have explained. As my choice he is mine. Will it all work out and will we get old together, I don't yet know so Im feeling on my toes. I am competitive and moody and a creative volcano. I think I would be a great Mom and Im down for the realness, the sacrifice, the monotony and even monogamy that marriage entails. Its all new and coming at its perfect time bc Im a woman and starting to feel the older me approaching. Im a kid at heart and always will be, I want things to be done right now and I have difficulty with the mundane tasks but mostly Id say I got it. Ive been opening up to sing more, I was always shy about my voice but Douglas has pushed me to come out of that. He is a great musician, he plays guitar and piano and sings and its really warm to see his passionate soul, its a part of life that makes life, life! I truly adore him. He is so loving and it just feels like the man Id like to stay with. The engagement is this time to enjoy and truly see it all to fully decide and I am sensing a difference. I just want to hear about the depths of his soul and not the daily obvious. Im needing a deeper soul to soul sharing. Its going to be the holidays now and it will be lots to go through, learn about each other and traveling and figuring out so I concluded to take it all in and if all is going well by next Jan I will then begin to take the next determined steps towards planning a wedding and Yes I do want a child. If I get one thats wonderful, and if more that would be lovely but he also already has 3 of his own so I hope it can all be managed. Its this thing called life and I am knocking cuz Im feeling changed and more ready bc I like my thoughts, my experience and believe Id make a good guide. A progressive mother who knows how important love is as well as creativity and laughter. Life's chores would be coated with fun bc you have something to live for. A human being mixture of us with so much to learn and discover. Id like to remember to be my amazing highest self and be the Best version of Me that I can be. xoxoxo