Making some camomile tea to help me sleep its gotten so late. My hours got messed up from sleeping too much actually. I feel sort of depressed these days like I am not sure of my path and trying not to worry but its hard not to know what to do next. Im having to surrender, I went to my first AA meeting in Vegas a few days ago with a friend and Im not sure thats what I want either. I feel like a healthy and alive version of me awaits. Its also a good idea to get on a schedule with the exercise, I wouldnt blame it on Covid, Id be honest with whoever reads this and have to blame myself. Life might be simple for some people but its difficult for me to figure. Lately I havent been feeling myself, have had some feelings of unworthiness, like it would be cool to escape but nobody else thinks thats cool, is it still growing pains? Ive made enough of a fool and tried to win this game but its a long one w so many chapters. I might also want to volunteer, these are all ideas of course to make me feel better, like this hot tea Im drinking. Or maybe a good book will do it? Its been a process starting something new which hopefully makes some money flow for me but thats not done yet and its not easy. I wish it wasnt so late and that I wasnt up unable to sleep but here I am writing, which is something i like to do and dont get around to anymore. Maybe sometimes but nothing im proud of recently. I am doing ok bc I have help, I have a family that cares and supports me and I am so endlessly grateful for that. Years are going by and Im changing and realizing more about myself and so much time has gone by without me doing the right thing like reaching out to my extended family and sending them gifts for Birthdays and Holidays for example. Im 36 now and havent done enough of that, what was I waiting for? to be 40 by the time I woke up to see outside of myself? yea ive been selfish and self consumed and stupid too. Some people are good at being thoughtful and its time I get on that too, I have to think ahead more and generosity goes a long way. Today I went running and still didnt feel the best mid day, the depression thing came back and swallowed me whole and I went to take a nap, somehow I slept thats prob why I cant now. There is this heaviness that comes and makes me feel like its all so difficult and dreary this endless list of chores that never gets done! What happened to the old me? The easy going happy young TAMBO? Shes sorta buried under all this stuff shes created and now we have to take off all the layers and clean her out. So yea, maybe the no drinking will be good but drinking has become my go to, my choice for self medicating and its really hard to let it go! Maybe more of a reason to do it, Im afraid so. I also tried again to get myself a therapist or psychiatrist or psychologist through my insurance today and thats not easy to do either. no Luck on that today but I will try again tomorrow. Tomorrow morning Im starting my day off w a bike ride planned so I need to get to bed to try to rest some. I will again, keep working towards my new biz thing and its not close to being done like I need it to be. I dont know how ppl do it, I find life to be really challenging at times and this has been a difficult year 2020 w the pandemic and stuff, I feel like im still so unsure of things and wishing I was in a better place. Once I can feel like I am things will change for the better and my new hobbies will substitute the old ones and things will come together. Sleep in the night and up with the birds with a jump in my step and a smile on my face and some calm in my heart and even then I will have to keep up and stay ready for whatever else life may bring. So, the moral of this story or the lesson here is that we have to do our share to prepare ourselves for anything to happen and that we stay open and solid through meditation, exercise, fluids, healthy balanced meals, spirituality, connecting w others especially in our communities like my idea of volunteering, finding the help we need to improve ourselves, staying organized in our home (so much work), finding fullfilment through our work, spending the time to have a vision board and goals (long and short term). Im tired now, all this life duty stuff is a lot and I spent too much time doing other things even though I have the answers maybe Im missing some but at least I can start there. I have no other way than just to do it and have patience and love and intention as I do it. Let us pray for the strength and guidance we need from the angels and higher powers and allow the healing to take place. Im praying for us all to find our way and to create a life we live full of Love & Happiness.
