“I feel for you…”

I have that song in my head here feeling for myself lol. Been getting wasted obviously and I’m so over it. I have a terrible shoulder pain that goes and comes back it’s like a part of me now… it’s not letting me sleep tonight. I keep stretching it myself, haven’t gone to yoga in ages, I’m good then I go a lil too far out and it’s happening now a lil more than ever. I tried to get a therapist, I guess I have to keep trying. I was up late doing some color research for the bags and to do some new stuff that I feel inspired by. Everything is such a process! I should have slept better tonight I even had Blue Lotus Tea that I bought for my father. It helps relax the muscles and dream etc opening 3rd eye etc. I wish there were monkeys on this tree out this window lol it’s a huge tree, perf for monkey swinging lol. Today was not a good day man, I mean it wasn’t terrible just really didn’t feel well, didn’t sleep enough and I’m living in pain. I just keep on truckin! I’ve been riding a lot of bike, went in the ocean day before yesterday, eating good super healthy the occasional zag and it’s just only the alcohol that’s poison to me and my brain 🧠. I do stupid shit and get obnoxious, I know bc I see the videos, I hear myself and I don’t drink all the time but recently I’ve just been on one thinking I want to get fucked up bc I can’t do it all the time so when I do it’s like I’m going harder. This truly is recent. I know how to handle my liquor but I REALLY don’t like how I get and it doesn’t stop bc the next day I need a drink etc and then the evening rolls in and I’m in the mood again. I’ve been slacking on my flow for MYSELF… I’m upset at how ppl handle things and then I choose to go balls to the wall and I don’t need anybody to do it with! That’s the other thing! It’s nobody’s fault but mine, I’m the no limit soldier. I mean it’s not even that much but it’s too much for me and I see that I’m more to myself, don’t even wana be w ppl, either at work or at my house pretty much. Dealing w shit and not dealing w shit. And I don’t even have that many distractions, they are from myself. I think I need a Reiki sesh w Grace and I should finish my Reiki studies too. I know what I have to do and I’m doing a lot but I have an anxiety like I have to write here to even feel better from the weirdness it’s like a pattern I’ve created. (Nobody reads this but everyone can,,, I act like I’m crazy but I’m really not… just nobody acts out like showing the crazy, nobody does that… so I’m not crazy I’m just letting u see my crazy but I’m more not crazy than crazy actually, in case u were wondering bc I can pretty much HEAR your thoughts from here lol.) it’s adjusting, I like to read, I lost that book idk where I put it dammit Tammy. ;)

I have to say I have to also be proud of myself, so much is happening here trying to keep the brand alive. Not a big team and already having difficulty w two of the new ppl… one isn’t trained enough to go home and her time needs to be bettter, the other guy actually said he doesn’t wana work w me while I drink… I didn’t get mad at him for saying it but he was drinking too so but whatever. Then says when he knows about my deadline that he got busy w his work so he bailed on helping me according to plan. I think I have a new girl now coming and the one I do jewelry with is an older lady who is such a beautiful person and she gets me and we get along. So it’s tiring to do this and chase after ppl and deal w the lies and the overall repetitive process I’ve been doing this for like 7yrs or something. The warehouse is getting more organized and I like being in there but I don’t have much of a life besides that which is also my choice. July is Busy! But I need to decide if I should go take a trip maybe Oaxaca? Find a factory in Mexico… fuck it! I can go alone I can do it all!!! So I need to heal, I need major healing, I need to do some apologizing, some new hobby’s to open me up to new exciting things and people. YouTube videos have been helping and I know there are some podcasts. I don’t like TV much either. I love my bed and being outside in nature, I love my dog, my family, to dance, to be my authentic self but the better version, I know how awesome I AM! I like to learn things, embrace change and be a leader but my my life is a challenge. I like to write, I like to express myself and get deep. I want to do what I love w others who love it w me. I like native aywaska songs and sunsets, boat rides, being active, helping others. I like all that I am constantly trying to do for myself, to improve, to be better, organized, on track w my planner, living consciously w daily and nightly questions. Healing myself constantly. It’s so easy to just not do every thing bc it’s a lot of things. It looks like u can’t move as fast without the proper team in place. I know what it’s like to have ppl around that want to work. It’s all doable and possible but I can’t do it all myself. I really am supposed to just do the “artist” thing more, design, research, make samples… but I shouldn’t even be talking to customers this much, I need production and then PR/marketing and the system to work and ppl to work who want to do this! Ok so enough about that. I can’t sleep. Maybe I need acupuncture! I also want to volunteer more and again soon. I will get through this! Just needed to let this out… need some hugs, massages, giggles and sunshine! My father needs me today, I will try again to sleep some. Take care, feel better. 

So what am I trying to say

I’ve said it all, said I don’t want anything to do with anything that’ll get me caught up w anything I don’t wana … 

Do o have to ?

If u wana put up w it u get an extra Hay! Gift! And I don’t really 

So  I’m sensitive enough to know that if u don’t answer when I called u twice on two diff time clock times… I see… you ain’t somebody to give a gxuk abooygj… I mean for me… your fake… but I already knew that… and u choose that… u ok… u just kake as fuk… I mean fake! Kake sounds yum lol.

The other issue is you say u love me too easily when it’s impossible, u actually don’t. I can’t say I love u back.. it’s like a weird pattern your used to and when I say I love u, even if it’s I love u too, I’m not going to lie, this is me telling u. I wana say I do, bc I prob do but it’s not an empty love, I guarantee that….

Here are my rules…

Be true/never lie

what’s up! keep me in the loop,..that’s love.

Love thy Tribe. Show it. 

Don’t segregate. INCLUSION. B an example.

Learn as much as u can. 

Don’t be too proud to apologize when it’s of value. 

Learn from others.

Be a flexible, positive soul.

If you’re negative pls stop reading… your a cheat sheet!

I should also stop making more rules since idk what I’m doing and can barely follow any lol. Not funny. 

Don’t and won’t be making cute and funny whatever things for ppl to approve of! hahaha! Neverrrr!!!  Choo choo! For the kookis lol 😆 

Needing Closure

I tend to need closure. So I create it. Was writing in a journal, doodling, watching you tube videos about things I wanted to learn about but I have to come here to night cap for some reason. Maybe I’m not the greatest writer, maybe I’m digging myself a hole by doing any of this. It could have the power to harm more than help… like that song says… forgot how it goes. It’s important that I change my ways to get true growth. A freakin deep analysis, brain check and who the heck does all this and keeps on w/o advisors or therapy lol in a world full of Life Coaches and healers I’m doing shitty wo a kayak to ride for my self help and a jacuzzi to go in for the muscle aches. That’s bc that’s what’s important to me and maybe the jacuzzi can wait but not the kayak but they r heavy to drag and I’m w no car. I also need to be able to read the weather for riding it. But the spa is closed LOL I can’t believe it! So I’m making my own spa. That’s it.!!!. 

“Breaking the Mind Barrier”

A book I found on the shelf and started to read to help me sleep turned into something I read for now some hours… it’s almost 5am and it’s been interesting I just know I have to rest! My eyes are starting to feel that feeling. It’s about colliding both art and science and the system of our bodies etc. I really enjoy it even it’s complexities and I want to keep reading but had to stop myself. Now I’m trying to write to help ease my mind from all those ideas and racing thoughts. We had dinner at Joni’s house and I barely ate but had enough. What to do to relax myself now? Idk. I’ve done stretches, I took a bath, I allowed myself a night cap beer but no… at this point it’s 5am maybe I should wake up early and go for a run but it’s pitch dark out right now. I was going to wake up at 8:30/9 and I should so I know by now that I just have to flow w it and if I didn’t sleep enough, deal w it and take a nap when u can and sleep more the following night I guess. I can not just be normal I guess, I loved being up late and reading tho! Why am I not allowed to just do that if it’s what I want to do for me? I wouldn’t read like that in the day, maybe on a weird day. I’m missing people that are like me and I know there r plenty of them but we should be clustered together more often. I probably needed more exercise to be more tired now. I spent the day w my Dad we went in the pool and he showed me his exercises and I had him try some new ones like balancing on one leg w hands in prayer etc. Roxy is here, the lights are off, I’m winding down… tomorrow I have some important things to do for biz, then drive back to miami for work and then I have a photoshoot to shoot the new products for the website finally bc so behind. So it’s a mix of prob anxiety and excitement and who knows but yea it’s obvious what I need lol. 

Time to count sheep and get myself at least 4hrs! 

🙏🏼

Sexy

Expressive writing now. I don’t usually write songs or poems but let me try one…

Feeling you in me

A Feeling thats lasting 

Endless what is this?

Feeling blue left me 

A feeling more mysterious

But smiles are on their way

warmth from that body

Kissing and squeezing

I’ll let u hold my face while I look into your eyes 

I will let you go too

Can we walk the same pace and make a good team?

Can we live in our dream?

Apart and together but birds of a feather

Desire me day and night

A love spell left me feeling fantastic

Things take time 

Make me your forever

It’s a shot in the dark

From nocturnal eyes

I hear us whisper and we don’t fight.

We’re always on, so turned on, 

Tell me who you are first 

so I Want you more

A crossing desire

Feeling each other’s skin as we breathe

Everything else is gone and we are just here,

A love capsule to taste, lick, suck, swallow, & tease.

Stay w me, let’s be free.

Tamara Aida Diaz 

I used to like Amber Heard

I wasn’t the biggest fan of Johnny so much honestly but the tables surely do turn. I guess it’s bc she’s younger and I see her mistakes and stupidity. The little hanging blond curl was killing me… that actually did it for me in a way, the way she was hiding behind it and checking herself in the reflection of the computer screen in front of her. BABE, NOT NOT SWEETIE. Like FUCK WHAT U LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOW, ur already beautiful enough, waking up at 5am to do your updo and makeup (non makeup) or whatever fucking structured outfits your shit stylist pulled for u. So u can be in yet another “act” yet this one is different, it’s more real. It actually sucks this time. What is your motive beautiful? That’s what the world wants to know. Meanwhile, u kept going back… and you kept torturing him to the point of escapism and drug usage. Your not even that compatible! And then you wana look all preppy and innocent when you knew what you were getting yourself into. What did you want? Why didn’t it work? Why sabotage the relationship to this level before honoring yourself… it looks like a terrible example of many toxic relationships and how drugs and alcohol can affect a relationship. Why are you attracted to a celebrity who you clearly don’t make happy, he puts u up in a diff home, you stay and use the situation thinking u can’t leave only to murder his image as an actor… did it have to go this far? Who urged u to take it this far? Why don’t u see the harm this brings everyone…? His family, his career, the relationship u once had w him WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO BE PRIVATE… but this is not only exposing a bruise or something it’s going as far as to  want his money? Is that what this is about? Sorry Amber Your not a good seed for bringing all this to light when u didn’t need to do it like this if u respected and loved him like u SHOULD. U wanted More… u are a money hungry lying bitch and I think u are fake and drive ppl mad to the point of these issues and then ride the vicious circle over and over again. Johnny you and this 30yr old chick of course don’t work she’s way too young for u and brings u problems. She’s heartless, conniving, and definitely an instigator. I can see how she makes any beautiful face look like the possible devil (so not needed). It’s hard enough being pretty and not being an Amber but everyone thinks we get a lot of attention… maybe I’m intimidating and stand off-ish. Not to compare too much she got Depp bc she’s a beautiful up and coming actress. Not just a pretty face. Clearly she has a team and they are betting on her, she has an agent and she had a future… but this is Depp and he’s on another level… and this move helps her career more than anything. So all the partying happening…She’s young plenty of reasons why things got out of control we all lived through a pandemic and Johnny Depp is allowed to get drunk if he feels like it but Him slamming counters closed and throwing things does show his anger but never showed him having anger towards her exactly. In the videos. Am I mistaken? He actually seems like a very composed guy even though he does his crazy thing as an artist I can understand him. Basically Amber looks like she saw the way to take advantage and I think she got that idea from somebody else. They might’ve had a tumultuous relationship but that comes with the wild ride and the passion. If you didn’t care about her he would or not gotten so affected. The communication was poor and when people need time away to cool off or think this is important to respect. She’s very immature she’s very young and she didn’t know because she was in fear that he would leave her she actually needed more love. He’s not the confrontational type and she probably is. That’s why she called him a pussy basically. But he might’ve had a drug or alcohol problem that didn’t need to be exposed to the entire planet earth the way that it was told if that was the case it could’ve gone a different way so that he could’ve perhaps gotten the help that he needed. Instead I guess she wanted something out of this court case… what did she want exactly? Is it a known thing? How do these things exactly work? Bc no amount of money is going to bring him back to u in your dream way! And u need to go find what it is your looking for instead of damaging some man who loved u with a family and a world wide career to crumble and crawl back to u like THAT WOULDNT BE WHAT U WANT EITHER! What did you learn Amber? That Johnny is a gentleman? That he may have his issues but that you were not a good influence or compatible lover? That he wouldn’t tolerate the disrespect. That maybe the pressing buttons works and escalates matters … did u want this? Did u forecast this and did u think you would win?  Well, I am not on your side girl, sorry. I know these issues and listening to the details of you guys I am glad I wasn’t there. I feel for both of u. The imbalances, the miscommunications, the problems that these external forces bring. The issues may be deep but the fighting and violence was truly on another level. But the repetitive going back to something that u accepted, the abuse and then the limelight pattern… you didn’t miss it for a thing. Amber if you honor and respect yourself you need to be able to walk away. You lived in a different house entirely and then decide to take his dog to Coachella? The one who isn’t potty trained? Did u ask his permission or was that u holding on to something of his to prove your still connected bc u couldn’t let go? Bc your a show off? YES DARLING the mushrooms and mdma concoction did the right thing… u need to stay in and heal. Your not ok. Mushrooms are amazing for healing. Your only 30 so you just took whatever anybody gave you… u show your not that smart or experienced and Johnny is a man. Men like Johnny might fall for your tease but they work differently. They deserve respect. You should have honored the relationship, honored yourself and showed more self respect being in such a prime position. I say this bc I see myself in your mistakes… I’m not happy for you, I’m embarrassed for you and I feel bad for him and I don’t feel bad for u. You seem like this was a way to fame and ppl have maybe told u that bad press is like any press bla bla bla but this is different. Your a really stupid young girl and should be ashamed at yourself being that gorgeous and that heartless and thinking life was going to believe your lies. You made so many mistakes. Who are your parents and why are you famous? Just bc your face is pretty? You have no fucking heart! No consideration for ppl! And literally no class! U are a trained LIER and u can’t even lie! Your literally the worst actress ever and I think u should go change careers and be a yoga teacher or do something for an orphanage. Hopefully u have an idea or one that somebody gives u. Your violence must STOP. U need to learn to be a class act. I believe u CAN. U can talk at motivational talks. U must. You need to make public your awareness of your mistakes and how u learn to surpass them… this will get a market of ppl interested and believing your story again. Many many of us struggle w the same things. We need to learn how to behave like adults, how to be balanced human beings, how to be graceful and learn ways to communicate or not communicate! I took a communication course… I still need to exercise it w somebody who wants to! How cool it would have been for u guys to try this instead! So it taught about communication… about like not talking when things are escalated. About repeating to the other what u have heard… showing you are listening… 

When ppl fight they both yell and they aren’t communicating… they both want to be heard… it’s really challenging! 

So when you do this they feel heard and if what u bounced back thinking that they said was incorrect then that’s the issue! It seems like a challenge to do but also like a respectful game of interest and patience for one another.

It’s about changing the past patterns… the ones that don’t work but they are in the old movies… the new movie is about trying something new. Unless we obviously get off on the humorous fighting … (could be) Yes, we most likely need to be over 30 to want to try it. 

If your only 30 and Johnny Depp is acting like an alcoholic pirate (as he is) and you love him for something but not for all the things… so I see you’re treating to change him… not impressed w his avoidance, wanting more from him, pressing his buttons for more attention, and then even as far as recording his embarassing moments to use to your advantage… sorry little girl u need to go back to the sand box and play With Barbies. Your blond curl isn’t something u can hide behind and it’s sad that your so concerned w it that it’s more important than the issue at hand. Your EGO is huge and it’s the devil in disguise showing so loud and proud inside of U! Put your stupid fake blond twirl behind your stupid ear and start to do something called LISTENING. I don’t care what movie u have been in, what drugs u have done, or that u have a sister… nobody is going to save u from the mess u have just made… almost wana say innocently made bc u weren’t really ready for this. Your Team Sucks! GROW UP. You should have been Harley Quinn but what’s her name Margot Robbie is like your double and we don’t even need u in Hollywood! Another blond w a pretty nose? What makes you so great? U have a lot to learn in terms of character building on your own Damn self. I wonder what your thoughts would be on a blog like this? Your love letter journal w Johnny was morbid and u probably wanted that thing to be famous too. Well it’s not going to be honey. You again, remind me of me and we need more honey to be sweet and then maybe we wana be read. Think Princess Diana, think serious soul searching. Think backpacking South America without a French twist. Think shave your head and donate the hair to cancer. Think Angelina Jolie. See how long u can hold your breath under water and deep dive, help build a new coral reef, learn how to slack line, write a book about something interesting that we should read / hear about. & Fuck Coachella! Get over yourself, find spirituality, hire a team of experts and get some serious goals for u and for the planet. 

Now that Johnny has graced u with his glorious spotlight,,, take that spotlight and shine it elsewhere… at something u want to help make a difference in doing and I hope for your sake that it’s good and not a fake. Your power can come back if you play your cards right. How can u show sincere interest and find a cause to help maybe in a new way or maybe a cause that’s dear to u and that sparks you. How can u get out of your own self and find a new alluring venture. Will u? How can u show girls like me or of your age that you can be a good influence. I pray that you do what is  good for the world and not just for you. If u need ideas u should ask, we just don’t know enough about u. 

May all of us find a way to give back & make the world a better place.