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Monday, January 20, 2020

I am ME. TAMBONATION WORLD. move through it Goddess!

https://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/minor-arcana/suit-of-cups/five-of-cups/


I drew this card and it could not have come at a better time for me. I have been feeling this sense of remorse for all the nonsense that I have written here that isn't to help make the world a better place. It was just self expression and something for me to analyze. I haven't been going to a psychologist or on any medication and I have allowed myself to heal, I have passed through the healing,,, still haling but I am very proud of where I am now. I can't even tell you,,,, I am happier than I have ever been. I have e deep sense of peace, understanding and even love for myself that I never had before. Its like I stopped swimming against the current and Im just in more of the flow of life. I don't care who has left me, it was all part of the process and I now consider myself a HEALER. I have reached a place of knowing and of higher vibration that has filled me with love and acceptance.

I drew this card and if you read it, it might help you too. As you can tell I am very spiritual and like to take in and interpret the signs of my angels and any guidance I get. I always sign up to classes and go alone and read things that fill me with spiritual guidance and I have been through the dark and now I can see clearly and the people who are in my life now (mostly) are the true ones that need to be here. Some of the not so good ones have been of help to get me here so I am grateful for them too.

Its like a heavy weight has been lifted.

I am Happier than ever before, more sober than ever before and the self medicating I do is under control and this is what I know. I am not 100% sober yet but I am not drinking like I used to and I am more in control of my choices. I am the Goddess I am trying to be,,, all in the making and I aim high for myself. Its peace and love baby,,, its going to exude out of me and heal others that I come into contact with. I am who I want to be in this theatrical stage we call LIFE.

I am so happy that the angels heard my prayers and felt my feelings and gave me the answer. I am finally past those shitty people that only put weights on my ankles and had me ferociously swimming up for air, for my life. The illusions. The sadness. it's gone.

Im weightless and free and at peace in my own beautiful soul universe. I am rich with love. I am clean. I am happy. I am TAMARA. I am TAMMY.  I am TAMBONITA. I am TAMBONATION. I am ME.

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Allowing no need for bowing;)... we r = +++

Missing something about true connection. Its not like I haven't had friends but Ive lost most of them... we have grown in different ways... We have become who we are today and we are just in different phases of life. I feel a little left behind bc I don't have my good friends caring about where Im at now. It feels lonely to be me but I keep fighting the truth of that and I don't dwell bc I choose not to but I know whats better is to... have ideas! create solutions! be somebody who finds answersss so NO! I am not somebody who sits and just sits and complains! I am breaking out of my "comfort zone" constantly and UNCONDITIONALLY! Ha! you though that only had to do w love but no, its under any and all circumstances I know I am a GOOD FUCKING PERSON and whatever ppl think of me (may not be my biz, but I feel it I freaking just feel it, like I feel the winds change Right in front of me!) Bc Im smart, bc Im empathetic, bc Im showing my true emotions and make mistakes and ppl don't like that so they .... listen to this fucked up BS.... they "don't want to involve themselves w ppl who aren't THE BEST" hmm Maybe ppl who are the best are showing their truth and showing their weaknesses SOMEPLACE and ppl YOU think are "the best" aren't able to ... But they still have themmmm guys. God please Help Us. I truly am a very critical thinker, I think anybody who can handle life better than me, more like a Goddess than me YESSSS Is somebody better to follow... AMEN TO THOSE WOMEN. That doesn't make me a less person. I am only being SILLY here... its a fraction of the endless abundance monkey mind that we have that I want to allow to run around freely for a moment! Did You Know that I am not a monkey minded person all the time??? Did you know that>? Or did u pin me down as a THIS always... your wrong babe... stop judging yourself. I am only playful and a believer of chasing these thoughts to be a productive art work whatever it may be... I have been disappointed in what I have myself said Or thought... and wrote... so but wait, in Yoga they say that that is not YOU... and its a small part of me! I am not always on this roll of a level to dig in the nothing but I find it my own challenge. Its not necessary and perhaps to some, should be private, BUT to me its purely an exercise to get to know myself and to document mythought process and emotions. You know I don't write songs Yet but they would surely last longer and bring me more money. This is like a chat w a damn blank wall... sometimes a painting can happen... its like made of clear spit. lol
I really do have to0 think of the things that will bring me more financial gain,,, other than a man... that won't work for me... I wish it would. I would feel stupid. Id rather die! but I also rather not fret any longer. I have worked on that... I have things to do, I have ideas, I have the capacity, the hands, legs and feet and CORE to! I even have the face... I do believe in myself its just different from what Im supposed to as to what I do feel and what I was told to and all these diff concoctions boiling up in me like some sort of soup. its fucked up! Its not that fucked up LOLOL. Its really fine Im just a lil bit of a drama queen. seriously tho stupid drama for nothing. I have probably damaged my own image w my lies and escapades of discovery and nonchalance being young and free and invincible all the years that were important to lure a proper man in. now I'm kind of old in some way BUT I'm a freaking child! who r youuuuu alllll kidding to be married and w kids so fast??? omg! for what? for more work sooner as grandma? ha! Sorry Im wayyy behind. IM MAYBE NORMAL!!!! HA! I actually know I am :) I have Great Grand Days I have nobody to answer back to! I have a lot of balls but I have more HEART than most of you all. I am alone. I am OK, I am Me. I am Hopeful, I am creative, I am busy, I am grateful beyond words and I wish I was MORE SUCCESSFUL.... we all wish for something... I wish more more things... I wish for true peace, acceptance and inclusion,
The thing that I want go back to about ppl being all about "wanting to be surrounded by the best" YES I do get it, that will get u farther in your career and what not, the world it all about connections BUT I don't resonate with that BC if nobody will open up to the level lower than them and ONLY "donate money and clothes or whatever" that there is something that my heart and my Humanitarian spirit feels is part of the fucked up world. these are fake ppl! This is not generous, REAL, mindful, SUSTAINABLE, loving, acceptation, inclusive INCLUSIVE!!!!! and its not ME. SORRY.
Im just gonna be different and I'm gonna be appreciative and observant and I learn from the wrong! if the wrong wasn't there I would not be able to see it!~ I am not one to copy, I make my own path, thank you world for allowing it. <3 p="">

Monday, November 4, 2019

Be the change...

Im not laughing. Sometimes I laugh but Im not laughing anymore. I was late to stop the laugh. Im not going to be too worried because that doesn't get me anywhere,,, the dance of life is now like a stomping sevillana, a tango I wish but I don't have a partner so its not really sexy. Ive accepted where I am, I am where I am bc I chose to be here. I didn't settle. the rest of so many people I know did. Is that what it takes? Maybe! Its an "Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps" I guess so yea sure keep being positive and blind and oblivious and keep turning your head away at whats wrong and pretend that you can't do anything. Bc laughing is what you thin will save you somehow. Again, maybe. I don't know. Im not saying that I know.. Don't rate me as pessimistic, Im just alone bc Ive pushed everyone away. Im not that complicated or that difficult I just have a strong barrier from all the experiences, all the pain. Im not a needy person but then again, I take that back... I can't do it alone. We really are all connected but if we are all connected... where are my people? Why have I looked for my tribe for so long? Is it bc Im never gonna be satisfied? Is it bc Im like my Momma? or Is it... I don't think I will ever know! What makes u think a therapist can figure it out? Oh just to make me feel better maybe. Its just all so tough, such a manipulation, just so bent out of shape. We need serious guidance, don't you think we could all use more deep understanding of a better way>? and then its all opinion! We can't even agree! why? bc of personal interests and benefits so that again is not gonna work you guys. Why am I even complaining? Im happy most of the time! Im super privileged and thats not even fair and here I am complaining about it but I am bc Im a good person and I don't like the way it is my people are all struggling and if it wasn't for all this incredibly blessed situation I have that can end at any moment I am just the same as any other. I believe in myself and the power of us. I believe that I am a little different from others I guess but part of it in a good way and the other truth of me is super flawed. Im too emotional and through that I react and its spontaneous and passionate and I then push and go and then there I go... in solitude about my life, thinking thats a more comfortable way, my way, not having to deal w the pain and complications of others! Then I laugh! I have a fucking Ball! I go go go and then I end up eventually running into something that isn't pleasant. bc Im alone I might run into trouble! bc nobody is w me to witness, to vouch for me, to anything,,, its more than that. I now have a brand its called TAMBONITA... I made this brand to reinvent myself. All this typing away and expressing myself and all the things I have done I needed something to channel my creative energy. I knew I had it in me to do something. This business that I started from scratch from a simple idea that I expanded was something that I chose bc I had to choose something out of my millions of ideas and I knew I couldn't just stay a "full of ideas person" forever... I had to make one of them HAPPEN! It was a lot of different powerful desires in me brewing to do this and for sure some back up but that came later. I wasn't given this on a silver platter my friends. I also had to put a few middle fingers up to some best friends. Sorry, why not be sorry if I am? Im sorry. I had to go my way but that doesn't mean Im not sorry about what happened w some things in my past. Its what you do when you apologize, you say your sorry and that to me IS STRONG. So sorry Rhianna I love you but Sorry is cool to say when you fucking want to clear the air w the past. Sorry Anna Winter, Sorry IS what you say when you were a bitch to your interns and people who slaved for you. And yessss I have a lil Ana Winter in me too. I expect certain things from people and I get mad when I should! Its just a human reaction nd then we should apologize for those types of things and for the many mistakes that can happen! Thats a sign of compassion dammit! What is wrong with you people? Jesus! Why make it weird to apologize? Pathetic choice guys. I disagree SORRY.

Lost track...

It doesn't matter, but it does.

When things are going wrong, as soon as we find out we need to change it to the BEST thing and so we need to apologize and move into a better and there we go. Apology is strength not weakness. mistakes are part of life but why wait? And why the Ego? why hide the truth? why milk the evil bc its more comfortable than changing and admitting sooner and moving into the future we all can agree on?

Maybe bc ppl will realize this that Im saying once Im old. Bc my own father is almost 80 yrs old and yours will be soon too and Instagram is taking precious moments away from you and him. That its so hard to put our phones down that we now pay people to be on their phones for us to do the social media for us. bc we don't have 8 arms like that goddess does. bc We all are living in a world that is literally set up for Durga. Durga isn't a good name thats why nobody daughter is named Durga. Maybe Shakti but thats too yoga-y.

You know its too many apps, too many emails, too many platforms, we always complained about this actually... our example was cereal for breakfast! look at the amount of things we have, I had this one idea once that was like a judge show where we took all the same product things and literally rated them and then EDITED some out, it would have too much controversy bc this is America but at least to make it on the chart when you have 50 wine openers that cost $2 we can def join some companies up and edit some shit out and make the ones who make it stronger or something... its like a clean up, improvement of sorts lol. call me crazy! I think it would be good as long as it has its rules that it can't get corrupt. you can't take the freaking guy to dinner to get more in on this,,, but u know,,, we are fucking corrupt judgmental fools what can I say. Idk. I still like the idea. It can be a for the people by the people and it can be like American Idol ... the positive idea is just the product research and comparisons and really, how to make America Great Again! ;) Oh wait, we don't make anything, thats right. jk.

I love the abundance and options bc then everyone would be wearing the same thing for example. But its also a marketing alphabet to be able to research things in a fair organized way. The internet or A INTERNET or a website could help w that. It would have diff ways to search, type in the product and by price, by color, by ratings... idk, u tell me... it would be there. and instead of letting companies die or go out of biz, could we be able to join them? can we show them the benefits of that and what each company might be looking for on a cool and clear company profile.... so people on Linked in can be linked to the potenti8al jobs that are so clearly there for all to see.

Maybe thats not Globalization? or is it? its not supposed to become a problem so before it even happens all the assumptions are good to speak out and share they will guide it for prevention of failure. =Its up to us, as with everything. It would be our fault if it didn't work, it would be bc we didn't want it to, we we didn't like the platform, bc we have our beliefs and or bc once somebody cheats the system we would disprove. Well, we have to have something, its like better than a magazine its almost like an Amazon... you decide what you want to consume. Do you want the cheap one thats made inChina bc it doesn't matter to u? or maybe your affluent and get the auto cork screw Sharper Image one. Or maybe you saved up to get that one and you got it for xmas bc you were selective about it and like its 10 year warranty!!! OK cool! BUT we only need 1-3 of those, my mind tells me that the difference of the same shit of that would be that one company is Mom n Pop, the other fuckin bla bla bla and the other some other shit. bc ppl r weird and maybe even Aquarius... I might go for the third company bc they are the under dog. lol

its 2am and I wish I had a bathtub, I have a shower. I love u guys. It will be ok. I hope so anyway. Don't worry be happy. but Be careful who you vote for hahhahahahahahhaa... xoxoxoxo























Thursday, August 1, 2019

Pressure on me to write well. My heart pulses powerful. Words so limiting and im not sure how much more is left of the wrong we have created. Its moving into a new dimension of next level understanding. Its never gona be easy so whats better? Advice is power. Im aware of the struggle, its something to come back to... im rusty

Saturday, June 15, 2019

ready to play!

Wondering why ppl don't make origami out of tin foil.
Inspired by casting things in silver...
Like a crumpled up ball of paper to a silver castes tassle, it's probably been done. My friend casted the letters in alphabet soup... I keep thinking of what else would be cool to cast. I've come up with casting the ribbon used for wrapping gifts that we make twirly w scissors, it's more organic and fun than the slinky spiral wire and fake eyelashes. I would prefer to put them to some sort of use like for filing your mail or something. So many things we have and so many things we can do so its so much to be creative with. Like casting a penny in silver and a dime in copper, would they still hold their value? Would it just confuse? Would it not then be allowed as currency? I've already accepted the fact that I'm some sort of artist bc this is what I like to do and think of. I skim magazines and get lots of ideas. Ideaz, I Diaz. What else are tooth brush bristles used for? Do they come from the same damn factory? It can have tons of uses if we care to use it. The amount of bristles and filaments and natural ones and synthetic ones and do we have a book that explains them all? A flossing session like the way we sit back and have our eyebrows plucked lol.

I wana make tambonita bags out of wires the electrical ones recycled. If I could flatten them into ribbon and maybe even stretch them to change their structure. 
By stacking chain accordion zig zag like we could cut time for production but that's a diff weave which doesn't bind them together.




Thursday, May 17, 2018

Friday, November 17, 2017

Being early is not being on time.