Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Saturday, July 23, 2016

The beach in peace...

Walking by the beach w Roxy on this lovely sun set afternoon, the colors of the sky are PROUD now but always changing. I'm in heaven today, This is life!  The palm trees are swaying, the rythms are everywhere and it's really delightful as I sit here on the cream colored sand. It's like tender blues and mix of murky purple, this is home and I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm planning to make some big changes. I'm about to move apts and I'm asking God to guide me to a new place which I'm very open to. Where I land will determine a lot of what will and might happen for me. I want to cut a lot of crap out and go towards my more defined dream. I really have to make this next year about my career. I'm going to dive so deep into it that I'm going to let it save me and kill me at the same time. I mean, I'm going to create a strong balance where I am so busy that I can't get bored. I'm going to dive head on into my hobbies, read more, create a schedule for myself where I can stretch and set intentions, perhaps paint, be super organized, just love myself. I think a bike ride from the beach would be good. I think a large studio would suit me. With French doors and a little walk way courtyard that I can leave open to. I'd love a fire place. I want to be the best version of me and stay steady. I wana stop searching so much and just be obedient to myself. I think I am old enough to be my own good guide. I don't want to have the lows anymore, I wana be wise with my time. I want to save money and make money and live well. I want to be comfortable in the place I find and perhaps more reserved. I don't go out in LA and I like the sound of a calm quiet life w candles and home cooked meals and early mornings more than the late nights in Miami. It's going to work, it's going to be positive, it's going to be quaint and charming and about getting rid of the excesses and holding on to what's really important. I'm ready to start over again and prove myself that I can manage. This is it, it's in Gods hands! Wherever I land I just wish for the best! I am happy about the transition and I am going to try my very very best. Here goes...

My love...

I feel terrible. Ppl feel ignored by me, I'm not really a rude or annoying person but it's like I could come off as I am bc I'm correcting sombody. I'm kinda on my own now, idk bout u but yeah... I'm wooooooo "so underrated.... Wooooooohooooo suffocated HA HA " eyes on fire. I feel for you, I feel for me, I feel for this, I feel for feel! I feel to feel! I love u! I love uuuuuu UC. I'm pretty exhausted, Canada, NO! CANSADA! Que  rude! Con el auto! Que mierda! Que no-way! Look MA! No hands w the whole other thing! AI agree your super duper cute tho. Super. Ok anyway,,, I'm so tired like I have to go to sleep! Like its like they think what? What do they think tho? Lol so love u all tho. I love how the girls got practice, they rock! I wish Monica was my older cousin LOL love love love

Thursday, July 14, 2016

I got with the program

I wake up at the weirdest hours sometimes... I think too much sometimes... I am too much sometimes. I blew up a few times. I too am only around less than that times... That's for each of u! What did I just even say tho bc it means a million things and nothing 👍🏼 oh how interesting 👍🏼 lol. It's not exactly what makes me feel lost proud. We all have those moments and those thoughts where we think too much, maybe get self conscious or want to cry out loud even... It's not your norm, it's not your best version, it's not what you admire, it's not even you and it really not even you anymore even... Cuz I wonder what my face did just now as I thought it and directly thought and typed it into my computer bc it's not pre programmed, I'm not a program! I'm a real living person willing to spill my share of just thought process. Yes, as sad as our thoughts may get, as unreal of a reality it counts be, and even the knowledge and power we realize. I'm single now, it's like I can finally say that and not feel weird. I am sitting here, laying real low, on my parents new house couch... It's very light grey, almost white. I have a fan above me on a silent low. I have black shelves full of CD's in front of me (the way I guess I have had my whole life) I question everything. I hang with people who are real and creative and can actually party. The rest aren't my friends bc I'm not trying to really make any. I'm with a new objective, I just heard a cat yell and it was so loud that now I get why they call chicks cats. I can still hear the cat. It's not a purrr, it's a yell, and I say wow.what kinda animal am I, would u say?

I appreciate you,!

Saturday, July 9, 2016

What are you doing?

Im in Miami laying in bed with little Roxy sleeping beside. The AC is blasting and I'm under the covers, I've had an iced coffee made by my friend Karla in a blender... I'm having a BBQ here today but my ankle is sprained. Last night I went to a friends art show, known each other for 11 years now so I made a big effort not to miss it, even as I'm hurt. The best was when he personally rolled me through from Art work to Art work on a rolley chair as he explained each piece as I sat down with a tiny plastic cup of white wine to sip. He had pieces about 3 somes on magic carpet rides and goddesses of love, jellyfish, moscs, flowers blooming, multi-medium works that were playful and scattered with elements of tiny details in gold leaf. Later we discussed it over food at an Argentinian Restaurant. The topics of polygamy and a film he wants me to act in. I told him this would mean it's a serious role and that I'm not sure I would have time to dive into all that with my business which is just starting. I'm going to throw a bikini on and hop down to the pool in a few... It's almost 3pm! 
Things are changing and I'm going to be moving apartments soon, spent lots of time creating a list of places to see... I think it's going to work out, I feel like I should be more contained and obviously slow down some. It'll be interesting to see what does end up happening. Til then, just appreciate where your at now and be thankful, yea I agree.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Done with Dat...

When ppl come to me with a problem I'm going to just say "don't worry, I'm sure you can figure this out" I don't want to enter into their drama and give my opinion over and over again. People end up doing what they want to do and ppl don't need to TALK SO MUCH about it! I SWEAR! I find myself very comfortable in the silence and it just feels better than talking about stupidity. I want to and love to work things out, I actually like hearing somebody's story and I do come up with ways to solve things but I'm getting really tired of it when so much time and energy passes I'm just starting to see the difference between a conversation that is going nowhere vs. one that can come to a conclusion and then take action. I want to make things happen and not really waste time in other people's issues bc I have better things to do with my time. That's all I wana say for now. Save it for the birds! Lol xoxo

Thursday, June 16, 2016

The need to write...

Before saying anything I just want to say that lately I have been feeling quiet, not wanting to say as much and realizing how much ppl talk and don't ever let silence come in for long! I started to notice it and I really feel a need for quiet time and this has been totally different for me but almost a higher self knowing to shut up and it feeling really really good, powerful and not even needing to say anything! Like I just magically was touched at my chest and hushed. I have been asking others to hush with me and they think I'm being rude LOL. It's a time for ME now and I'm choosing to sit more with my own silence, which some call it meditation, I find myself meditating for no apparent intentional reason randomly then as a cleansing and content-ness deep within. 

I do not look pretty when I'm
Sad but I don't look good when I'm TOO TOO HAPPY either... That's fucked up. Lmao

I'm kidding 

"Keep her in mid range" Lmao

I can't wait for all the wonderful things that are going to come :D

But so, I'm asking somebody to do what they DO and they come back to ask me "what's your budget?" But I'm the friggin artist here! I have no budget! I don't think monetarily I just know what I need to do and once I hear a price I then look online & ask friends if that's a good price, I investigate on what price they gave me. I am looking for a better price or to read between the lines of what they are of course offering... It's also who your goin to deal with, you want to get a good feeling from this person or some sort of conveniency. Ok so now once we are past all that... I come back to the guy and say YES or NO. It's simple. If you convince me that your great from the beginning I might just go with you right away and pay you BAM! Out of mere impulse and again, conveniancy. 
It's right there/do it now type thing. But now I always think about it.

Anyway I just wanted to explain that. I think it's weird to ask ME for MY budget... "Well how much is it?" "How many hours?" This is all then gets finalized and going through for approval by the ones paying for it but bc we are not stupid and want to make sure Tammys taking care of business correctly... It's all getting the final word of approval by the investors of course! I'm not the one with the money to make those decisions but I'm the one making all the other ones by what I buy when I'm buying materials and who I'm working with and designs and such. Now I'm not even paying people like I was before. The sourcing of materials Have been the things I have been able to maintain at a level where I have been completely 100% trusted to be spending correctly. I have done my best and it feels good to be trusted. 

-Tomorrow is super planned out with lists that are prioritized and so is my entire LIFE until Aug 4th right now! And to think I'm supposed to plan this other magical trip I'm taking end of Aug w a camper I hoped for this year but with who? It's not even clear and I need to know now... Can I sit this one out? If I say I will I could easily slide in home base somehow. That's the thing lol. 

Exhausted but what can I say sometimes I feel the need to write. 

Time to rest,
Good night