Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Some Perspective...

Looking at lots of images now like on these websites and social platforms u inevitably start seeing a lot of the same ones.. we all are drawn many times to a lot of similar things... so yea we create a lot as a society but what truly wins, wins most of our hearts, MOSTLY. Reading has a whole other world to it,,, the combinations of saying the similar thing are endless and its refreshing to hear a new point of view or not even just a classic quote thats timeless has so much power and blank space to fill. I wonder if your brain can grow, id drink the kool-aid if it was good for me but prob wont last forever, still i would. "A woman may represent a man’s better half, but his friends are his other self." I want to design things... finally after years of studying fashion design and art and then thinking not to go there bc I was afraid of not knowing where I wanted to be, overwhelmed maybe and etc. I need to think of things more lightly, enjoyable i guess... doesnt seem like i need that but i get silly stressed out and witness myself as an outsider being a lil brat. So sensitive right? So Sensitive its dumb. like about to give up on everything for the slightest mood swing that takes me to this place... then like bipolar, the next day, im happy go lucky again. Im just saying it here so i was one that said it, like said the truth, idk i just wana say things here not to bother anybody but so I can analyze it one day or some psychologist can try to make sense of a 21st century specimen. I used to want to live on a boat, remember? I wrote that in here somewhere... like in 2010 maybe idk.. i dont have a clear idea of where exactly I want to end up, never really did and here I am... i think thats an interesting determining factor. I think I repeat myself a lot too... like the way a GREAT man would if he had had this amazing career that he had met all these amazing other famous ppl now so if he sat a table w another (younger) musician he could tell those same stories he had of his life and that person would be appreciative and in awe maybe about them when first hearing them but the man telling the stories maybe has told the same story now for 30 years, its no fun for that storyteller anymore now, is it? right. i wonder about that. Want a tattoo i think again... on my ankle. Im beginning to do a lot of research for my big dream, im hoping it will come true. Not sure if I feel like my secrets are safe on here thats kind of annoying too... like REALLY the things im into at the moment are like my fashion forecasting predictions and stuff and I dont feel like I can spill my secrest on my blog bc thats a seperate thing, a talent to value - respect. I also dont expect ANY-1 to be reading any of this... i honest to God dont. Tomorrow I have a lot to do but need to write a list to help. One thing I notice about models who know how to pose they always have a way of keeping at least one foot very grounded unless they r jumping but even then, to control ur body and the balance in your feet and the weight how its used playfully must first know the rules of anatomy and core, the structure... its just something ive noticed that means a lot of things, its life. if only I could wash away the past, like wash it clean the way a new sunrise does everyday, the way the beach waves re-arrange the shore, bringing seaweed and then taking it all away. i would hold a broom permanently for us all to know that we are cleansed and burn a new one every night jk see when we sweep we push the dust away its going somewhere else, the vacuum sucks the shit and the shit is thrown someplace... so how do we stop making crap? we cant. maybe i will delete this whole blog one day too. a virtual delete is a diff concept, i heard even that stays. We all are where we are bc thats where we chose to be, either we are learning something from it or not but its supposed to be an obstacle course, no smooth ride, some may differ and prob bc they r in denial since its a safe happy place for them to believe in. I like those ppl, i rather be surrounded by them than a bunch of ppl like me lol. thats prob the point. to be one who makes the whole process we r all in more enjoyable, laugh at it, create in it, smile in it, find the positives in all of it, we are a planet who can try harder and pour out more love or a planet of madness, even depression. I want to figure this whole thing out even tho I may never fully but gosh what a bitch it all can be sometimes. im prob not the only one who needs better friends... some perspective.

Monday, March 18, 2013

A special one! Thats a link to a sculpture which was at Burning Man bc i met the brother of the guy who made this! Just had to share it on here cuz well, we are all so connected :)

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Lessons 2013






These are lessons I put into my own words from the lessons of Jesus I read in a chapter of a book. I tried to simplify them bc I think I can try to do these things myself.

Sunday, March 10, 2013


I have to excuse myself for all the crap I speak. Does this junk take up space? I'm annoyed w myself again. I love myself but I'm like hoping that shit could be interpreted as honest and entertaining. This year is gona turn out to b interesting. I'm going back to school and about to move and and and.. I gota get out of downtown la. This shit is not right. Not sure where I really Wana be, where I should be, what place is good for me, what area I could excel in, well any but I mean like i see how I keep running or moving and I try to understand myself and I can't! I don't get it. I think I could have become lots of versions of myself and to get to this is.. This is what I've become... I'm not pretending tho I have chosen a perspective like an angle, it's to be the type that says it all, no borders, no more secrets, be as crazy as u actually are... Ppl can't always do that. They have an image to portray and a job to keep.. I see all that I see the truth and it's ok but I want to be the one who doesn't have rules... I know what I need and do u Wana know what I need? I need more discipline. I need dignity and discipline, more of it. I if only I did! Ppl that have quality work and lifestyle and conversations w quality ppl and what am I saying? I'm also not a good enough listener... I'm talking and talking about this stupid shit that means nothing and I need to go read a book already and shut up and idk but it's so hard! It's so hard to do the right thing even if u know what the right thing is! How am I supposed to raise a child? How am I supposed to be taken seriously? How am I supposed to be responsible! I don't know but I know I see it too. Not many ppl are as retardedly open as me. I hope u can appreciate being a witness to my struggles and maybe one day I will become that girl I want to be.

One time in band camp...

I thought of the time I got caught cheating.. Well I wasn't cheating but I had scribbles on my ankle while I studied earlier that day and what was there wasn't gona be any helpful ANSWER... But I had to look bc I couldn't remember a word and I knew that looking at this other word written on my ankle would help me remember. So not being one to cheat I sorta made it more obvious than more secretive to look cuz I don't feel comfortable doing some secret thing so it feels better maybe to be clumsy at it instead of witnessed as a sneaky one if I was caught. It's like a friendly PG way of doing something I probably shouldn't do but cuz I want it to be known that I'm not doing anything BAD! So some chick behind me told the teacher after class and I was called into the disciplinarians office. I got an F on the test instead of the B grade I got for a C student girl... It's even more of a bummer cuz As or Bs r like extra effort on my part! I never studied for a test, I got by and that's all I aimed to do. I knew that if I tried I would be so much better but getting by was the way it was and I didn't try, I thought class was about absorbing info and homework was nonsense busy work to take up more of my time I would do it in the hall on the way to class or in another class cuz classes weren't enough so pretending to be busy w whatever made a teacher happy, looks like ur working on THIS class but that's the strange part. Mr. Cheney or something... He was prob gay and had this very FAIR approach to everything and what happened to me was def FAIR but what was written on my ankle were not answers... He wouldn't listen! was the disiplinarian and I was a problem child and known for it. So many kids kiss ass and I didn't see the point. I wasn't rude or bad but had an attitude and a face that was too expressive, discipline reports were written for raising my eyebrow. I didn't care to try hard, even medium bc I saw the future and the fact that Cs were good enough to get me there. I thought of everything as this bullshit thing cuz while a teacher lectured I was thinking about all the classes they had and how they could remember to say the same thing to each of their classes, they can't! They didn't have their HW done either. So I focused on the possibility of the teacher forgetting to explain THIS CLASS something, how could u say the same thing to 3 or more classes? It's hard to distinguish the fact that perhaps u didnt mention something last class that they needed to know... Then their are teachers who solely teach u what will b on the actual test. That's absurd. Being a teacher means yea hung the whole picture not that we should memorize answers, I've done that but like actual whole body of students could come together and form large groups like teams and learn a lot by being a part of a big picture. Like hopscotch and highlighters like cheers and imagination to win bc life is so much about not having a direct one answer to a problem so learning from the way others chose can teach u a million other things, triggers brain sparks, that's the point of school isn't it? Brain sparks. And also discipline but how can u be grading fairly really? Is it about getting the right answer always? Cuz having somebody in class who participates and others learn from their mistakes is a contribution to the class then ur gambling w the fact that who is in ur class, one class can def b more stimulating than the other, how is that fair? When u teach it should be to reach the students while they grasp info, the actual year of something is so useless in life unless ur on a game show. Brains work differently too cuz some are good at remembering while I'm the most forgetful person bc I am selective hearing and selective memorizing... Cleopatra hooked up w Ceasar and he was Roman I believe... I honestly couldn't picture most of the stuff. I preferred those word problems that I wasn't much good at anyway, they were math and tricky... So many tests are full of tricks! When u have the type to select the best answer the other answers may be tempting! Sometimes I just bubbled things in as a wild guess for the letter more than the answer, it didn't mean anything to me... It was tricky to be drawn to an answer and know that it could be a planned one to trick u so I spent a few mins thinking about that during a timed test which led me to bubble in randomly the rest wo more time. I love unexplainable imagine the role of having to teach but then if class gets to a part that can't be explained... It's not algebra or geometry that has to have an answer if the equation is done correctly... It could be the chances of a meteor or physics is full of things that need to be explored more than have an answer for. If you can ask a question and how would u try to go about answering it its way more points than the neighbor who is just guessing abc or d. So if they can qualify some thought process it's better than none and if they get it wrong it's more valid than maybe guessing right. Get it? Dress code is funny too... But I like uniform... I think it's a way of seeing ur peers in a school context so it's more proper more interesting than how kids chose to dress and it eliminates the need to battle one another for the look, the look is there, it's done, it's the only answer but then how kids play w rebelling it is how u can distinguish who is truly creative. I would get a pink slip everyday from a man coach who when I got to lunch he already had it written! How weird are ppl who work in schools with 12 ur olds?! Yes super! So many are put on a target, as if this guy would get paid a bonus for every one like a cop who writes tickets. They r like cops writing tickets. They r choosing to see what they want... Instead of looking at what I'm gona eat that day for lunch and appreciating all of the differences. That's something else how we always have to evolve the rules bc a new kid made a mistake that wasn't written... We do it to ourselves, we have to laugh! Like the freedom in what shoes u wear if u dnt have that as uniform is one item that u have more control over and so it's so much about trending and what's accepted by the others... I had high heeled sketchers and I can picture them now and they were so classic they should be in a movie. Then some kids had rolls bags and others had hello kitty Tim boxes... Til I got mine stolen. I stole something's before, I store somebody's sticker book and I have it back only bc it was the best sticker collection w lilies and everything! Then imagine giving it back but the teacher knows now u stole it so not a good look for the first few months of school, the year after I went to a special school... I also stole a pencil that had every color in the lead... Depending what angle u used it in... Once I took it I didn't feel comfortable using it so I didn't. I got called into the office... Etc. I was 8 and thought they were going to talk to me about the fact that next year I would be moving to Miami from London and told my peers that. Gave it back too. Nothing I had that got stolen from me ever got returned! I have had the best shit stolen from me and class and teachers had nothing to do w it! No alternatives! No, nobody can leave this classroom until we find it scenario. I was a good girl.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Friday, March 1, 2013


Loving it alone, all by myself. I always rather be all held by hands! Thousands of ppl holding hands is a pretty sight but just last night I saw th floors of the streets as I walked home, the places that people touch the reality who they are is really telling where those hands have been.

Hating life a bit but also reminding myself of how much I actually LOVE it.

I crave fresh mozzarella n tomato w basil; Caprese salad... But like rock salt, pepper, olive oil, balsamic, maybe the one from Reggio Emilia!? Yea no?!
Love u Paul,
Love u honestly.