Excuses

I have to excuse myself for all the crap I speak. Does this junk take up space? I'm annoyed w myself again. I love myself but I'm like hoping that shit could be interpreted as honest and entertaining. This year is gona turn out to b interesting. I'm going back to school and about to move and and and.. I gota get out of downtown la. This shit is not right. Not sure where I really Wana be, where I should be, what place is good for me, what area I could excel in, well any but I mean like i see how I keep running or moving and I try to understand myself and I can't! I don't get it. I think I could have become lots of versions of myself and to get to this is.. This is what I've become... I'm not pretending tho I have chosen a perspective like an angle, it's to be the type that says it all, no borders, no more secrets, be as crazy as u actually are... Ppl can't always do that. They have an image to portray and a job to keep.. I see all that I see the truth and it's ok but I want to be the one who doesn't have rules... I know what I need and do u Wana know what I need? I need more discipline. I need dignity and discipline, more of it. I if only I did! Ppl that have quality work and lifestyle and conversations w quality ppl and what am I saying? I'm also not a good enough listener... I'm talking and talking about this stupid shit that means nothing and I need to go read a book already and shut up and idk but it's so hard! It's so hard to do the right thing even if u know what the right thing is! How am I supposed to raise a child? How am I supposed to be taken seriously? How am I supposed to be responsible! I don't know but I know I see it too. Not many ppl are as retardedly open as me. I hope u can appreciate being a witness to my struggles and maybe one day I will become that girl I want to be.