Its Sept 1, 2020 and many months of this Covid. Have been tested twice and all clear. Its been a tough time but Covid also brought its blessings in disguise. Slowing down and thinking over what I have been doing w myself as far as career was a big eye opener. Seeing the new world and whats truly important has a lot to do with my lack of time spent helping others in need and now during the time of nothing social its that which is difficult to find and unpermitted. Sure u can make masks, you can work in the field as doctors and nurses etc. But lots of things are different now. So questioning career has been a big topic on my mind throughout this time. I would like to be doing something with that kind of value bc it is rewarding and would make me feel more connected and of more value so it would give me a better feel for life and for myself in the world. The time to ponder about what truly matters, how to position yourself to survive, the truth of our need to have a financial gain to lead the life where you can then fill with the hobbies and experiences that which will ultimately create your dream life with more options. I didn't take the easy way but I took the way that I wanted to go and I now see how it would have been better to be doing something else. Ive thought about what I could do to fill that missing gap like visit dogs at the pound etc. I have some ideas that would work after Covid passes too. Cleaning out the closets, the garage, the stuff that I gave away and Im still not fully done doing it! Today I did a lot, I am proud of myself and Im currently feeling like I can do the life tasks but Im not consistent enough about it. I have been cooking a lot, eating healthy and exercising pretty regularly but also have different days more than days that have a consistent daily structure. Ok fine, the bed making and coffee is but not much else. Even what grocery store I choose to shop at varies. The garden is done bc of the summer heat of August. I could have gone to Spain but didn't have my passport taken care of on time, they are both expired at the moment. I did some of my dr yearly checkups and things. I had a pretty bad dip down at one point and thought it was depression but Im now better. Still doubting my path and my choices and my life plan enough to be questioning it and found some answers like moving to Colorado and getting my real estate license there. I like that idea but its gona be a challenge. But basically I am 36 now and also thinking about marriage and having a family. I quarantined with an amazing friend and lover who proposed and gave me a gorgeous ring w an emerald stone which was mined by his father in Colombia. Its the most beautiful gesture anybody has ever done for me and this could of course be my guy! my future husband, the father of my child, my knight in shining armor, my partner for this life journey which I finally feel more ready for now than ever. He is sweet, kind, composed, slightly reserved but I think he fully accepts me and loves me so much and I have been showing him more and more of who I am and maybe things are changing as they do naturally. When things started he was very excited to be with me and was buying me thoughtful gifts like a pair of roller skates in white w baby blue wheels, or a saudering jewelry making kit, working on improvements to the house, he was jumping out of bed with glee. Things are still good but I don't know what to think when a guy isn't saying much, sharing much. So, I don't know what he could be mad about but I read a quote that said "A fool is known by his speech; a wise man by his silence" So maybe he's wise not to say. He says he wants to get married which I would do but its Covid and Im trying to be realistic and a wedding now is not the type of wedding I would do. I love him, Im attracted to him and happy to be with him during this time bc it would be terrible to be feeling lonely and alone. Im on a mission to always improve myself and my environment. I also have noticed the friends I have and what it might say about me and if I really want have this big party and bring everyone together to make memories. Its of course every girls dream, isn't it? I have obviously been doing lots of thinking. I feel like I can do life with him and that I can help him with the homemaker stuff that I like doing. I just also want to be sure so sure that I don't have a doubt. Its a really important decision for us and once we are ready to fully commit its got to be solid and feel safe and flow, so for now its about finding the collaborative groove. I love being with him and we agree on pretty much everything like the foods we like to eat, the sports we like to play, the fun and games we like to play, etc. The story is even more beautiful than I have explained. As my choice he is mine. Will it all work out and will we get old together, I don't yet know so Im feeling on my toes. I am competitive and moody and a creative volcano. I think I would be a great Mom and Im down for the realness, the sacrifice, the monotony and even monogamy that marriage entails. Its all new and coming at its perfect time bc Im a woman and starting to feel the older me approaching. Im a kid at heart and always will be, I want things to be done right now and I have difficulty with the mundane tasks but mostly Id say I got it. Ive been opening up to sing more, I was always shy about my voice but Douglas has pushed me to come out of that. He is a great musician, he plays guitar and piano and sings and its really warm to see his passionate soul, its a part of life that makes life, life! I truly adore him. He is so loving and it just feels like the man Id like to stay with. The engagement is this time to enjoy and truly see it all to fully decide and I am sensing a difference. I just want to hear about the depths of his soul and not the daily obvious. Im needing a deeper soul to soul sharing. Its going to be the holidays now and it will be lots to go through, learn about each other and traveling and figuring out so I concluded to take it all in and if all is going well by next Jan I will then begin to take the next determined steps towards planning a wedding and Yes I do want a child. If I get one thats wonderful, and if more that would be lovely but he also already has 3 of his own so I hope it can all be managed. Its this thing called life and I am knocking cuz Im feeling changed and more ready bc I like my thoughts, my experience and believe Id make a good guide. A progressive mother who knows how important love is as well as creativity and laughter. Life's chores would be coated with fun bc you have something to live for. A human being mixture of us with so much to learn and discover. Id like to remember to be my amazing highest self and be the Best version of Me that I can be. xoxoxo
