Thursday, June 16, 2016

The need to write...

Before saying anything I just want to say that lately I have been feeling quiet, not wanting to say as much and realizing how much ppl talk and don't ever let silence come in for long! I started to notice it and I really feel a need for quiet time and this has been totally different for me but almost a higher self knowing to shut up and it feeling really really good, powerful and not even needing to say anything! Like I just magically was touched at my chest and hushed. I have been asking others to hush with me and they think I'm being rude LOL. It's a time for ME now and I'm choosing to sit more with my own silence, which some call it meditation, I find myself meditating for no apparent intentional reason randomly then as a cleansing and content-ness deep within. 

I do not look pretty when I'm
Sad but I don't look good when I'm TOO TOO HAPPY either... That's fucked up. Lmao

I'm kidding 

"Keep her in mid range" Lmao

I can't wait for all the wonderful things that are going to come :D

But so, I'm asking somebody to do what they DO and they come back to ask me "what's your budget?" But I'm the friggin artist here! I have no budget! I don't think monetarily I just know what I need to do and once I hear a price I then look online & ask friends if that's a good price, I investigate on what price they gave me. I am looking for a better price or to read between the lines of what they are of course offering... It's also who your goin to deal with, you want to get a good feeling from this person or some sort of conveniency. Ok so now once we are past all that... I come back to the guy and say YES or NO. It's simple. If you convince me that your great from the beginning I might just go with you right away and pay you BAM! Out of mere impulse and again, conveniancy. 
It's right there/do it now type thing. But now I always think about it.

Anyway I just wanted to explain that. I think it's weird to ask ME for MY budget... "Well how much is it?" "How many hours?" This is all then gets finalized and going through for approval by the ones paying for it but bc we are not stupid and want to make sure Tammys taking care of business correctly... It's all getting the final word of approval by the investors of course! I'm not the one with the money to make those decisions but I'm the one making all the other ones by what I buy when I'm buying materials and who I'm working with and designs and such. Now I'm not even paying people like I was before. The sourcing of materials Have been the things I have been able to maintain at a level where I have been completely 100% trusted to be spending correctly. I have done my best and it feels good to be trusted. 

-Tomorrow is super planned out with lists that are prioritized and so is my entire LIFE until Aug 4th right now! And to think I'm supposed to plan this other magical trip I'm taking end of Aug w a camper I hoped for this year but with who? It's not even clear and I need to know now... Can I sit this one out? If I say I will I could easily slide in home base somehow. That's the thing lol. 

Exhausted but what can I say sometimes I feel the need to write. 

Time to rest,
Good night 

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