Forever

I have to write, don’t even know what to say everytime I come here I just know I do this. Some book said I should write 3 free handwriting pages every morning and that’s a lot. Most times it’s not as long but they also say to never read it, that it’s probably rubbish. I might have to agree but some of it isn’t too bad. I can write bc I write so if I am inspired it should have a nice little twist but it’s mostly free writing and in strange times while I’m in bed and most probably alone or at my desk too but just feeling like I need to express myself and so here I am again. Hoping not to let myself down again I’m feeling so much love for myself bc u have to anyway, it serves us well to do it. It’s seeing u and accepting it. Seems like it’s easy but I don’t look beautiful in every angle lol I have 3 chins, a rounded bumped nose from when I was a baby I fell, I have thin not very full lips from injecting water into them I think it stretched the skin out but the lips done make me look like a duck. Doesn’t work for me. I have a permanent stai in one eye, and slightly rough skin w lots of freckles! Somehow I pull it off but it’s an attitude. I have a lot of Sass. It comes off as bitchy and rude sometimes but I’m sorta joking, it’s a tone. I want to be real and I don’t have a good poker face it’s all right there! Why is it? I’m growing up guys, I’m toning it down major and I don’t even wana go out NYE. I can’t carry all this shit anymore! Should I just break free? It’s all so unknown and mysterious, the things that make me happy are truly design and dancing… and a few others maybe but I’m worried I won’t have a baby. I need to be chosen wtf. Or not fine! But I need to stay happy put it that way. I’m not normal, I’m really good at this weird shit that I need to make happen bc every other girl in this town is selling their bodies it feels like and I’m not sure that’s my Avenue… I told u what I look like and I’m a weirdo! I love it lol. Ok so anyway boring convo w myself… over and over again lol. I need these man hands that idk where they are but I need them and they are strong. They know how to love me and reach for me and our bodies mold like spoons and I want to love his smell and his smile and he’s going to be groomed and funny and super intelligent and idk how or when this will happen but I’m trying to manifest it. Manifest for a man lol why haven’t I done this enough? I’m not easy, I’m overly critical, I can be. I think I can change the patterns. They are quite engrained in me these patterns from my parents and I’m worried about those a bit but becoming aware of them is the first step & so I’m doing that. I can’t live in fear any longer, in sadness or negativity I just can’t and I don’t care if I’m alone at least if I’m in good company w myself creating and dancing I’m happy. I love being alone actually. I don’t have to deal! It’s the closest thing to freedom but I want a family, I have my own babies and I want to get married even if it’s not in court but just a declaration of love! I do! I can’t do it alone. I fucking suck lol. I am here to win babe what the fuck! I love it, the ups and downs and twists and turns it’s never a dull moment and if it is God Bless it, for it’s a transition. I love you Roxy! I love the air from the fan slightly moving and the soft pillows and my silly thoughts I’m trying to tame. The light, the dark, the kaleidoscope! Sleep too I need more sleep. I love u angels. Sometimes I feel like a female Jesus. Pray for us all! The ones w COVID and let the animals be free please!!!! Stop slaughtering them and keeping them in cages I beg you. I love u cows and pigs… I want to play w u. Join me in making heaven here. It could be so fantastic, I can see it and I can feel it. Thank You Lord! 🙏🏼💝