You are the Light.

 Tons of ppl I know are in Tulum now, I was just there before... I feel So lucky to have been able to go. I didn't get to explain the story of my stay there... OMG I have to explain everything so much oh my. Im listening to something else while I write this and so its like confusing my thoughts and maybe even lowering my vibration to do two things at once. Its about that we choose our parents before we arrive here.

So I have to create a proposal about getting a place in Mexico... the place I found its a generous space with SO much potential. So this is a whole thing that I need to do and Im not sure that I want to be involved with that many ppl... I have some history about having trouble speaking well to ppl... so like when I want something from somebody I should charm them, b sweet to them, stay composed and even work on my feminine... instead I get passionate and pushy to motivate them and bc I understand where Im coming from and showing my deep desire it actually works against me and repels or maybe you can put up w it, thats great, those are the ones who last as ppl around me but I do notice it myself. I hav a sorta short fuse sometimes and even tho I apologize and mean well haha Mean, Well... Lets NICE WELL! ;) I have quite a few shortcomings and thats one of them... but they say I should talk about the positive... ugh so boring sometimes LOL. No, dome want talk about that sorry! It is all in the end how u feel about yourself and everything that happened to u and I am strong and thats what made all the difference. well, strong now maybe... life has made me weak, thats true. We are all different. We think differently and have all these same sort of connections and parallel worlds and it just Only matters on our own individual interpretation. So the dark brings u to light and everything is working its way, its magic. You happen to be part of the magic. So for the magical medicine that u spew it can change by the chemistry of what you put in your body, and the mental thoughts in your mind and what I'm MOST worried about is the energy of others... I wonder how much that is affecting me bc I know its important but do we land in the same place eventually? or does our free will bring up to diff places, completely diff places lets say. Idk. So yes our thoughts matter but even the wrong road can maybe bring u someplace better lets say. I guess cuz its possible. The hierarchy is so fake and rigid, the streets are filled with kooks! Now where would u rather be? Locked in a castle or walking in skinny blackens and boots down an alley? For me the difference is in the freedom, I rather be free. Its harder to be free the higher up you go, the more money u make the more ppl need you and Yeah u are making money but they r also robbing u of your life and time with kids. No? Crystal Ball... "Will I have kids?" "YES" Yipeee!!! Ok so when all my friends kids are adults I will finally maybe be a Mom. Maybe... I don't have Crystal Ball.... I became a psychic and heard an answer ... I heard the answer that I wanted to hear, but if the answer u want to hear doesn't seem right then u know your answer isn't right so u PIVOT! Shashe Shante! & then u shake your booty, shake your booty!!! lol. 

obviously have things to say but don't feel like getting at them. I wish the typing on the keyboard was more silent... I would upgrade to that seriously. & I would also go in there and look at what everybody else wishes !!! hahhaha ;)

Careful, they will steal your good invention! This place is bananas seriously. If this mother fuckin pres thinks he and all his Covid team can stay in the Whitehouse LOL... we gots quarantine for two weeks, nobody should go in there for at least two weeks, idk how it works but I want to know more. Its so late... I like it,, its sooo peaceful at this time. ppl wake up at this time to feel this and then chant hahahah explain that to me... ok fine meditate. we should have all this cool stuff implemented in society, in school systems, and learn how to be more self reliant. Im like a broken record, I'm not broken I'm bent out of shape lol. Gym starts next week, finally! I start going to the gym around Thanksgiving lol, love it. I have GOT to stop drinking and thats really like way too hard yo. I tried it and then... its like I have triggers and they are intertwined w my way to function, its basically coping habits. its a huge problem and I know it, its not normal and its got to stop. But its actually normal for ppl, like its normal in my family for instance, its normal lots. This year has been pretty important. I can't believe ppl r out right now. Im happy to be home here talking to myself bc its SAFE actually. Its like a whistle in the wind. I need to go back there w him he's there and I'm here and now I miss him. 

Night Night

Love, TAM

 https://youtu.be/aEYsqvxcp9A

Into THIS... watch it. 

WE MUST Writing for me is a time I get to be with myself. I get to feel what I’m feeling and find new ways to see things by allowing myself to express what would have never been felt and allowed without the stuff that came before and me bringing myself to these places in my mind. I get to know myself a little more. I process through the grief or allow myself to be free in my thinking. I think in order to reach a new level and collectively we should remember we should aim there... we have to spread more connection, have better relationships in life that help us be better and give us the love, connection, acceptance, desire to reach out for one another and less allowing without wanting to be good and help one another more. We have to be a team and we have to be real enough to tell (me) what I might need in order to be better. At least that’s what I do for others and that’s how I show my love but sometimes ppl feel they are being judged or managed or taught and they might not like it. It’s bc of how they are looking at it bc you have to fix yourself to feel the love behind it. We can’t be so easily bothered anymore, we have to be meditating more and intoxicating ourselves less in order to master this. Our collective flaws are apparent but we have to only and first take care of ourselves. I know I do and if I can do that well it should prove to God and a partner that I’m fit to take care of a baby or a child or a teen or our elders and parents. This might be the most important & effective way to shift the  collective consciousness. I love life a little more having said that from just simply knowing it and it being just inside of me even tho it’s not only inside of me, it’s inside of all of us! I feel the lift off my chest when I put my thoughts into writing and they are positive. I don’t “like” saying the negative, it’s not as much ME as the positive but I like to push boundaries and play with fire or Magic. I’m not sleeping yet and I know I should be but I also very much like doing this. I like feeling inspired with energy and it has light to share. I have to stay in the light!  But The shadow work is also important. I have to meditate more and get on a better rhythm w the sun moon and stars. It’s not just the connection with people it’s also the connection with the Devine and the almighty and you will have the dips that bring u down and the repercussions of choices who will bring u up. Now to deal with it all with your LOVE. We must.

Princess & the Pea

Is the stacked up mattresses that w a ladder we climb up to experience.. but turns out it is the TOTH FAIRY in the backwards world! (Or something) 

So instead of planting a pea for u to feel unfomfy... we put a tooth. And we are in the backwards world. Now your the tooth fairy for the child and u have to donate something: 

That’s all.

SAME TEAM

 A screw loose, if I say so its worse. You will have to believe it and use it against me later but its just words... dont be so sure about the intention behind it. Have an open mind and give me the benefit of the doubt. Its my personal blog, Im not guaranteeing you some Picasso. I couldnt sleep. I have my reasons. I have good reasons, or so I think I do... I never talk about them or important stuff like who to vote for or what you should wear tomorrow. Id like to know what you have to do tomorrow so I can help you get there... its cuz my role as helping my man be a better man and me being more feminine is sorta based around the simplicity of this. I dont know what else I can do better. I believe its in my nature to make my man a better man and I might have "bad timing" or be sorta on the side of not so in control, not so normal... inspiring women must be like me... im not trying to be like this, I know I just am,,, its like the grooves in our brain,,, the ones that make certain things easier and other things harder,,, its bc we did them more or did them less,,, thats all it is. So Im me bc of an accumulation of things and acts that first of all led me here and then over and over I did the same or similar things to believe they were what I wanted to do and the more i did them the more they became a part of me and now the harder they will be to create a new groove or get accustomed to a new way. Its like I was a runner, a cross-country star and so going for a run now isnt as hard as it might be for others who didnt have those carved out grooves like the kind that become paths in the snow and so we see which way to go bc we can see other ppls marks even for instance. Its like all these things that not only we do but also we think, the ways in our mind and patterns we have created and now that we can see them its something we want to try and change but it gets more difficult over time. so we have to stay flexible, we have to be playful and change the patterns, the rhyths, the ways. we have to try to use our left hand sometimes and we have to notice when things get stressful what it is we do. Our triggers, our annoying repititions, its all we know! So the major point here is to be gentle with ourselves. we are our own loving parents. We are all we have, we are our biggest House keepers, we are our Gods, our disciples, our decision makers, and ultimately more than ANYTHING the ones who we fall back on. Im getting so much better at this btw... you should believe me when I say this too. I am the temple and the tone of my HOME, the real home, the vibration I am isnt something u can tell me its what I know and Im strong so its also how I internalize it for myself! Im better bc of the shit I have been through. I am through it. I am still alive, I sometimes still do think about "not being here" bc the way we have it is brutal, Im gona go ahead and admit it. I think so much can be more HUMAN, more kind, more easy, more SIMPLIFIED and so bc I see that it can and how we are being so complicated to our own selves or whatever I am just feeling it, knowing that it can be better, and if I suffer and feel so much and know that so so easily there IS a better way then it makes me like throw in the towel a bit,,, I throw a temper tantrum sometimes! I am speaking to a damn recorded voice who doesnt understand my issue and it frustrates the hell out of me bc there R glitches. And when so many of us need JOBS and they wana give us no option but a technology trap that takes up sooo much more time than an actual person would a person w perhaps EMPATHY, oh no she would not be hired. The person cant even help u once u reach one. its all a mistake, its all a joke, its all just a hurdle that took us almost a whole day or more to get passed. BUT WAIT, dont we need jobs? why are all the machines wasting SO much of our time? its not perfected yet and some form of human should come to the rescue for us more easily and when needed. This is when I say and think things like that I dont wana be here anymore and such... its not that i didnt mean it in the moment, its that its just a moment and thats maybe what im used to as the entitled spoiled brat that I am but guess hwat> what? I still have to face the same things and get passed them. I even laugh at myself, I even later regret what I did. thinking that Maybe one day I will act more maturely and less impulsively and be the grandious goddess me and everyone else needs me to become already. Then, I even go as far as to think that THIS is the reason I dont have children Yet, bc I am still a child. So I blame myself these super heavy Truths and truly believe them and so when it seems like im being nice to myself finally im actually Back at it again masacreing the finite beautiful moment from birth to death and around again and all I can say is, Im used to it! Some ppl have a really hard time w all of this and while they are trying to come around again im like in my padded gear disquised as an OWL in the tree seeing nocturnal and camoflaged and im coming to get you when you least expect it type shit bc I really dont quit, ever. Things that arent nice and try me are what keeps me up at night and if I have backup then I am ready. Its the weak Tammy that we come across that none of us like, but shes real and she takes balls to show. I want everything to be perfect, or be as close to it as possible. I love the mistakes but I have to like them. the way things feel, the fact that its always no matter what actually improving. but sometimes it hurts, life hurts and we should not be the one to hurt ourselves bc it will happen, we have to be ready. we have to be strong and we have to know that The Blame is like a ball we are juggling and some things are like a game. I dont regret what I have felt but maybe what I have done bc I could have done better. better to myslef and to others, i know that, its something im pretty sure about. The same way things in society arent perfect... the same. Ok Im going to rest now. I will try to be better and better and I hope you will too. Lets be on the same team. Love TAM

Stars

Hey, I’m staying at this place called Villa las Estrellas in Tulum, Mexico. It’s right on the beach and it’s perfect like many places are here. This spot is quaint and it’s a yes not a no like “ain’t” sounds like u wouldn’t Wana stay here but I think anyone would and more ppl should get to do some of these things that most ppl never get to do. Like travel and see more that God put on this Earth for us to see and enjoy and learn from and experience. It’s like books without all the writing. It’s sometimes just what you needed, the same answer resides in so many possibilities perhaps bc so many lessons are able to be seen in so many ways and over time your human gratitude expands far enough to reach a sense of peace cuz it’s all this beauty that the amount of it gets overwhelming and then it reaches a place of understanding like the way the cup that was half empty is now overflowing in all these incredible patterns of harmony that it gets to look back and where it once was and through the clear glass, now the water on the other side can pass by and without it it wouldn’t be able to be there. Hahaha that just came out! Lol.  But that’s a good way of putting it. If I would have been scared to follow that train of thought then I wouldn’t even know where it would have led me! So that is my gift. We can even learn from our own selves! The shooting stars, if they could see us down here we would also look like shooting stars to those over there. At least that’s what I think. These guards on the beach flash their light to guard and that would look like a funny shooting star to me if I was up there lol.  If lol means I laughed out loud why don’t we have more codes for more things we do. It’s kinda stupid to type it in as much as I do. It’s generous, let’s put it that way. I think ppl whom are respected just take them out. That’s how they are better than me... cuz it’s funny that they didn’t laugh, but did they? Like r they serious? U wouldn’t know bc they didn’t put the lol that in the end makes it super phony. It’s a little bit of a habit but I actually do laugh a lot and sometimes I write it and don’t actually laugh out loud but it softens it? Our language has changed over time and This is what it’s gotten to? No no pls don’t use me as an example! I don’t want to be responsible for making mistakes just yet lol. The oceans crashing waves are really loud and the windows are closed. I guess diff nights might have a diff rhythm, tonight’s been a bit tumultuous. Wish it was more soothing. And if so, so did others when I said some angry caca shit! (Not laughing but what am I to do?) just love more right? Yeah that’s all u can do. Or say more soothing stuff in the future to balance it all out lol... what if I over balance it w the soothing part? What does that look like? Prob a pretty wave... yes of course. I like hot whispers on my skin they are soft but I used to like roller coasters! Kayaking is better for ppl! Make them Kayak a Bunch lol that will make them get a goods nights rest after! Or something. Bla bla bla I’m getting tired. Never heard of anybody using ear plugs for the waves at night tho so lol. I guess I should shower to calm down. I’m also ready to go home and get back to my things, my life, my partner, what makes more sense to be doing. I always Wana do the right thing I’m so funny, you wouldn’t think it but it’s true. Life is to be shared w the right company, that’s the best! So yeah back to what I was saying earlier.,, ppl need to get to do these things and they need to do them TOGETHER. God Bless Your Soul for reading this and let’s reach for the STARS!!! ✨

Oh Nothing.. Just here...

 Ok hey, hiii...

Im fine, I promise! I keep saying that too... so strange yet I really don't want ppl to worry about me. Ok so, I got a fucking job... yup... not that I want to... well, maybee I want to! haha,, well so it doesn't give me a right to be rude to others,,, who lets say, don't have a job... well maybe mayyyybe its as rude as flaunting your success! yes that CAN BE rude. I didn't like it, that one time in band camp ;) I am WE aren't in Band Camp either, neither have I ever even been. I wasn't that infatuated by the little strings on a guitar or my little fingers pressing on the keys of the damn piano... I just wasn't. It doesn't make me a bad person either. Your a bad person, I bet, for reading my blog. Fuck you. Oh wait, we can't be friends again? u mean after we made love all those times??? yeah prob not! Ok fine! Go fuck yourself! Stupid. I am happy, I have some amazing product in my hair, it smells like something .... hahahaha I can't say it.... You'll think Im, racist. anyway, I came here at almost 5am to say something... I forgot what it was.... oh well, I can't even remember! I remember now,,, its that, he's in the bed sleeping w me and he has his back to me.... I don't want him in my bed if he's not hugging me,,,, yes I GOT RULES... Its my "boundaries" lol,,, so yeah NO. Go sleep in your own house OR pay my damn rent so I shutup. Til then, u got me... like dis. Can you handle it? No. I will answer that for U. Like there I did! BOOM. Bada Bing Bada BOOM! Wakata! hahaha. It had to be three of those! I was on a roll today... not an ecstasy just a regular ol' roll... like one after the other... like being crazy all over the town... I took the bus... I woke up mad first of all... I wellll I woke up and had to put the pieces together... and then I remembered I was angry LOL I know its pretty funny but its true... so then I was angry... and then there I was laying naked and alone in bed ANGRY bc I slowly remembered what happened the night before... and THEN I went in the other room and there he was... sleeping... btw I'm not even gone tell you guys what time it was LOL... cuz thats a secret... (I have secrets) (dumbass) SO, he was there, confirming my anger... (((bc obvi he wasn't in bed w meeee hellloooo))))) YA... so Im like awareness seeping in... and so... I love him right,... if I didn't this wouldn't bother me as much. I LOVE THIS GUY... I don't just need to be fucked for the fifth time in the damn sun up.... I want to be held. Even if I have my period! I want say Dumbass again, I had to, so there. DUMBASS. me or him>? not sure who,,, the word needed to go there. I miss him even right this second. I miss you! hellooo can u hear me? I am only human here typing my thoughts... one day we will have the technology that will do that for us LOL. Butttt the guys who can invent it, don't have the best thoughts either ZLOLZ≥ I love U whoever you are. I love myself too... should I have another beer? Im always trying not to... Im like preventing myself from being a complete and total alcoholic bc I know whats right and whats wrong... ok I'm getting a beer... lol...I wasn't going to but then I did... I ate some sweet potato too... u know to balance it... bc I told u before... I knowwww whats good for me. I know a lot by now... Im fucking 36... well =if the number could be fucked,,, LOL how to fuck it? what does that even look like? idk its just another one of my jokes.Sometimes I say terrible shit, that came v

close! but I mostly have incredible thoughts... I like them, mostly, the majority of them. Can u hear me??? Im fucking talking!Who is Jack Custo? idk why that name came to mind right now... idk I dont even know him LOLOLOL. Ok its bc the fucking other guy who is from those Spanish like fables... UGH what the fuck is his name.... dammit Tammy. I suck. Suck it good! lol ok NOW Ive really done it! omg I'm so embarrassing seriously BUT that was my thought! so if I'm going to he true to this game then why would I leave that silly naughty stupid part out? u tell me. So no, I didn't. 

Ive been a bad bad girl....

I HEAR SIRENS... 

MY BODY CRACKS!

WHY IS THIS ON CAPS???

HAHAHAHA 

I must have pressed it.

SHIFT, RETURN.

Fuckin-A

Ok I think Im done now...

Oh no Im not... soooo He is my guy right... I really do love him and he really does love me... Ive been such a bitch tho! I told him to leave and I was kicking like push kick off the bed....; he said nicely "please don't do that babe" Im like WQOW R UUUU POLITE! Polite/Composed/ and fucking AMAZING... is what I shout to myself... I was like kicking him off the bed just for attention btw! ONLY. He wanted to go to sleep... I know u wanna go to sleep but like don't put your damn back to me... I don't NEED to be in a relationship!!!! I mean I actually do need to be in. a relationship but the guy needs to pick up the tabs. This guy has it MADE like MTV W ME. Im over it. He has all the apps... to send me the money. I need your money... not if u don't have money tho... I don't want money from a broke ass nigga... I need money bc u are a very amazing man and u love me and u wanna take care of me. Yes its 2020, I was born in 84 and I didn't burn my bras w those bitches! My mom did! (sip of beer) I love my house, this nigga wants to marry me... I can't even take care of my own damn self good enough yet... go marry someone else! Im like "taken" taken in the LALA Land that Ive been living in for the past 30 years! Im ok I really am aI promise. I am so fine its like just another episode of..... wish I could tell u... 

I IIII

I have learned so much recently... I have learned about myself and about the world and about like well I have just questioned myself... I am questioning it all... I can hear the damn AIR.... white noise... I hear it. and I also hear a high pitched ting, constant tinggggg...... do u? I wana know. So, last night, same thing! he actually went to go sleep in the other room... maybe bc I was being UP and like wanted to sing songs as I was playing them off my phone... stupid phone yes... I was and I did Yes... and so he was like peace... LOL he's very cute ... like I really do love this guy... I just didn't like that he did that... bc I dint want be left alone DUH. I drank too much today... I did bc I want to stop... and like it could be my last day,... but I don't wana promise that yet. ok maybe that right there says I have a problem LOLOL... I just dont want to promise something that I can't fulfill BC it will actually make me feel worse... then its like I have a problem and I can't keep my word! Wow, useless. NO THANKS!

Life is made of MAGICK....

thats like Vag & dick

the woman and the man... its nice to see the woman come first! Am I seeing things>?

Oye chica por favor!

Turning Adult

 Its Sept 1, 2020 and many months of this Covid. Have been tested twice and all clear. Its been a tough time but Covid also brought its blessings in disguise. Slowing down and thinking over what I have been doing w myself as far as career was a big eye opener. Seeing the new world and whats truly important has a lot to do with my lack of time spent helping others in need and now during the time of nothing social its that which is difficult to find and unpermitted. Sure u can make masks, you can work in the field as doctors and nurses etc. But lots of things are different now. So questioning career has been a big topic on my mind throughout this time. I would like to be doing something with that kind of value bc it is rewarding and would make me feel more connected and of more value so it would give me a better feel for life and for myself in the world. The time to ponder about what truly matters, how to position yourself to survive, the truth of our need to have a financial gain to lead the life where you can then fill with the hobbies and experiences that which will ultimately create your dream life with more options. I didn't take the easy way but I took the way that I wanted to go and I now see how it would have been better to be doing something else. Ive thought about what I could do to fill that missing gap like visit dogs at the pound etc. I have some ideas that would work after Covid passes too. Cleaning out the closets, the garage, the stuff that I gave away and Im still not fully done doing it! Today I did a lot, I am proud of myself and Im currently feeling like I can do the life tasks but Im not consistent enough about it. I have been cooking a lot, eating healthy and exercising pretty regularly but also have different days more than days that have a consistent daily structure. Ok fine, the bed making and coffee is but not much else. Even what grocery store I choose to shop at varies. The garden is done bc of the summer heat of August. I could have gone to Spain but didn't have my passport taken care of on time, they are both expired at the moment. I did some of my dr yearly checkups and things. I had a pretty bad dip down at one point and thought it was depression but Im now better. Still doubting my path and my choices and my life plan enough to be questioning it and found some answers like moving to Colorado and getting my real estate license there. I like that idea but its gona be a challenge. But basically I am 36 now and also thinking about marriage and having a family. I quarantined with an amazing friend and lover who proposed and gave me a gorgeous ring w an emerald stone which was mined by his father in Colombia. Its the most beautiful gesture anybody has ever done for me and this could of course be my guy! my future husband, the father of my child, my knight in shining armor, my partner for this life journey which I finally feel more ready for now than ever. He is sweet, kind, composed, slightly reserved but I think he fully accepts me and loves me so much and I have been showing him more and more of who I am and maybe things are changing as they do naturally. When things started he was very excited to be with me and was buying me thoughtful gifts like a pair of roller skates in white w baby blue wheels, or a saudering jewelry making kit, working on improvements to the house, he was jumping out of bed with glee. Things are still good but I don't know what to think when a guy isn't saying much, sharing much. So, I don't know what he could be mad about but I read a quote that said "A fool is known by his speech; a wise man by his silence" So maybe he's wise not to say. He says he wants to get married which I would do but its Covid and Im trying to be realistic and a wedding now is not the type of wedding I would do. I love him, Im attracted to him and happy to be with him during this time bc it would be terrible to be feeling lonely and alone. Im on a mission to always improve myself and my environment. I also have noticed the friends I have and what it might say about me and if I really want have this big party and bring everyone together to make memories. Its of course every girls dream, isn't it? I have obviously been doing lots of thinking. I feel like I can do life with him and that I can help him with the homemaker stuff that I like doing. I just also want to be sure so sure that I don't have a doubt. Its a really important decision for us and once we are ready to fully commit its got to be solid and feel safe and flow, so for now its about finding the collaborative groove. I love being with him and we agree on pretty much everything like the foods we like to eat, the sports we like to play, the fun and games we like to play, etc. The story is even more beautiful than I have explained. As my choice he is mine. Will it all work out and will we get old together, I don't yet know so Im feeling on my toes. I am competitive and moody and a creative volcano. I think I would be a great Mom and Im down for the realness, the sacrifice, the monotony and even monogamy that marriage entails. Its all new and coming at its perfect time bc Im a woman and starting to feel the older me approaching. Im a kid at heart and always will be, I want things to be done right now and I have difficulty with the mundane tasks but mostly Id say I got it. Ive been opening up to sing more, I was always shy about my voice but Douglas has pushed me to come out of that. He is a great musician, he plays guitar and piano and sings and its really warm to see his passionate soul, its a part of life that makes life, life! I truly adore him. He is so loving and it just feels like the man Id like to stay with. The engagement is this time to enjoy and truly see it all to fully decide and I am sensing a difference. I just want to hear about the depths of his soul and not the daily obvious. Im needing a deeper soul to soul sharing. Its going to be the holidays now and it will be lots to go through, learn about each other and traveling and figuring out so I concluded to take it all in and if all is going well by next Jan I will then begin to take the next determined steps towards planning a wedding and Yes I do want a child. If I get one thats wonderful, and if more that would be lovely but he also already has 3 of his own so I hope it can all be managed. Its this thing called life and I am knocking cuz Im feeling changed and more ready bc I like my thoughts, my experience and believe Id make a good guide. A progressive mother who knows how important love is as well as creativity and laughter. Life's chores would be coated with fun bc you have something to live for. A human being mixture of us with so much to learn and discover. Id like to remember to be my amazing highest self and be the Best version of Me that I can be. xoxoxo

Changing from the Inside, & the power of prayer.

Making some camomile tea to help me sleep its gotten so late. My hours got messed up from sleeping too much actually. I feel sort of depressed these days like I am not sure of my path and trying not to worry but its hard not to know what to do next. Im having to surrender, I went to my first AA meeting in Vegas a few days ago with a friend and Im not sure thats what I want either. I feel like a healthy and alive version of me awaits. Its also a good idea to get on a schedule with the exercise, I wouldnt blame it on Covid, Id be honest with whoever reads this and have to blame myself. Life might be simple for some people but its difficult for me to figure. Lately I havent been feeling myself, have had some feelings of unworthiness, like it would be cool to escape but nobody else thinks thats cool, is it still growing pains? Ive made enough of a fool and tried to win this game but its a long one w so many chapters. I might also want to volunteer, these are all ideas of course to make me feel better, like this hot tea Im drinking. Or maybe a good book will do it? Its been a process starting something new which hopefully makes some money flow for me but thats not done yet and its not easy. I wish it wasnt so late and that I wasnt up unable to sleep but here I am writing, which is something i like to do and dont get around to anymore. Maybe sometimes but nothing im proud of recently. I am doing ok bc I have help, I have a family that cares and supports me and I am so endlessly grateful for that. Years are going by and Im changing and realizing more about myself and so much time has gone by without me doing the right thing like reaching out to my extended family and sending them gifts for Birthdays and Holidays for example. Im 36 now and havent done enough of that, what was I waiting for? to be 40 by the time I woke up to see outside of myself? yea ive been selfish and self consumed and stupid too. Some people are good at being thoughtful and its time I get on that too, I have to think ahead more and generosity goes a long way. Today I went running and still didnt feel the best mid day, the depression thing came back and swallowed me whole and I went to take a nap, somehow I slept thats prob why I cant now. There is this heaviness that comes and makes me feel like its all so difficult and dreary this endless list of chores that never gets done! What happened to the old me? The easy going happy young TAMBO? Shes sorta buried under all this stuff shes created and now we have to take off all the layers and clean her out. So yea, maybe the no drinking will be good but drinking has become my go to, my choice for self medicating and its really hard to let it go! Maybe more of a reason to do it, Im afraid so. I also tried again to get myself a therapist or psychiatrist or psychologist through my insurance today and thats not easy to do either. no Luck on that today but I will try again tomorrow. Tomorrow morning Im starting my day off w a bike ride planned so I need to get to bed to try to rest some. I will again, keep working towards my new biz thing and its not close to being done like I need it to be. I dont know how ppl do it, I find life to be really challenging at times and this has been a difficult year 2020 w the pandemic and stuff, I feel like im still so unsure of things and wishing I was in a better place. Once I can feel like I am things will change for the better and my new hobbies will substitute the old ones and things will come together. Sleep in the night and up with the birds with a jump in my step and a smile on my face and some calm in my heart and even then I will have to keep up and stay ready for whatever else life may bring. So, the moral of this story or the lesson here is that we have to do our share to prepare ourselves for anything to happen and that we stay open and solid through meditation, exercise, fluids, healthy balanced meals, spirituality, connecting w others especially in our communities like my idea of volunteering, finding the help we need to improve ourselves, staying organized in our home (so much work), finding fullfilment through our work, spending the time to have a vision board and goals (long and short term). Im tired now, all this life duty stuff is a lot and I spent too much time doing other things even though I have the answers maybe Im missing some but at least I can start there. I have no other way than just to do it and have patience and love and intention as I do it. Let us pray for the strength and guidance we need from the angels and higher powers and allow the healing to take place. Im praying for us all to find our way and to create a life we live full of Love & Happiness.

Give It All You Got!

Too many times we sit idle

waiting for a chance to live

Life happens, the world changes

and theres something more to give

The stars are out again.

The sun is shining bright.

Its rays transmute my pain into pleasure

my blurriness , into clear sight.

The moment to come out and shine is here.

I stretch my soul to the universe.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Gi- Give, give- it- all- you- got.

Give it all you got.

Truth be Told...

Time to talk about something that makes more sense... I always want to go off on a limb... the last one was bc I thought I needed to let some dark secret out or something, it didn't need to be said but lm trying to completely clear the air in order to move into the future with all the dark stuff out out. Im really trying here.

This is

This is day X for me of self isolation. Day 6 for me taking it really seriously. Its hard because even if you are self isolating, you may be surrounded by people who aren't. Thus complicating your self isolation goals.

So this is where Im at. Im taking a "working vacation". Since my orders are on hold, I've been optimizing my spaces. Doing spring cleaning. And I see others doing the same. I saw people today cleaning their screens.

The recycling didn't come, I guess that wasn't deemed an "essential service".  But for some reason, all the construction sites were still up.

Goodwill was closed, but a homeless artist was there making portraits, I gave him $2.00 to "watch my stuff".

People are running around in masks and gloves.

People are calling their loved ones more. We are FaceTiming, Skyping, and whatsapping. We are telling our primos and friends we love them.

The news is scaring the shit out of us and they are often spreading mistruths or incomplete information. Remember when they said Corona virus doesn't do well in warm environments? Florida to date has about 1400 cases and within the next week, we are supposed to exponentially get more cases.

Long story short, its time to shelter in place. Take this seriously. Ride this out with your healthy person of your choosing, hold them closely, and take advantage of this down time. I know the earth is. This is a great resetting. The earth is taking back its claim. From this, we will write a new future, and we will have earth days where there will be no cars, boats, or airplanes. There are silver linings everywhere, I hope you find yours.

Whatever gets stolen, where does it go? My drone will be there in 5 to get it.

all chipped? lol by 2030 you better be. lol I found my laptop of course. BC everything good and only good is going to happen. I did stay pretty cool but its funny how I almost did feel like it was stolen and thought that ppl came to my house while I wasn't here bc I did leave my house open. So, maybe I should leave my house open? But I like to leave things open... thats more me, its what my Cuban grandma used to do too... aI don't have any Picassos in here or anything. Everything of real value is no longer really in my possession bc its been jacked already! Look how mucky I am! LOL I used to buy Gucci and Louis and Dior and Chanel etc etc but it hurts when its taken and thats what gets taken! So thats one reason why not to have it for me. I literally wove a piece of chain fabric from sequin strips of material and it seems to be gone, hopefully I find it but it was the biggest piece! A Chinchilla fur vest I got in Vegas is bye bye and so is this collage book I made... its all there to use and end up letting go of in a sense, isn't it? So yea use, I am the kind of girl that wears her heels, rocks them and then they are worn, other girls wear their shit less somehow. I wouldn't change it but what I would change is that sometimes we buy these things and they get ruined and thats it. sometimes its not fair. it was washed wrong or a moth ate a hole or the wine stained or something. I can't bare the thought of it but it happens and nothing can be done and nobody cares and its a waste of time to care, its tough luck u gotta buy another one and sometimes we do. but the price sometimes is pretty ridiculous for stuff, isn't it? once used drops to maybe half its value (not w everything) but what Im saying is how so much of stuff gets ruined. The dry cleaners don't even know what they are doing. they ironed pleated pants like wtf r u doing? R u like somehow uneducated and trying to care for designer items like pls stop. we can't even know their name. we take the shit home and then find the mistake later and we should not have paid. I have to admit something... It can't be that important but maybe it somehow is, it was second grade and it was one of those pencils w every color in the same led point... I had to have it and I took it... it was not right and I shouldn't have done that, I got called to the office about it. so yes, I got caught. Im glad I got caught bc its a more devastating story that way.  Eventually I had my Hello Kitty box of school supplies stolen from me n that was a big deal for me. but nothing quite like the art work on a wall in a gallery in Paris... I went to see my art and gone from the wall it was. I can only take it as a compliment, but only bc I can only do that, that I will. LOL. Too good to be true are some of the things that happen, even for terrible things lol and its all a part of the story! Each w different details to the story which makes our unique lives. Me, the chinchilla Hello Kitty, rainbow colored pencil situation is pretty freakin cute, I might have to say. But my laptop no way never especially in 2020. Nothing should be stolen or able to be anymore in this day and age. technology has shown us that we can track valuable items therefore we should. even the dog collar could and should show us where our dog is like our cell phones do. your kids watch and backpack, like the package in the mail. those birds who in cartoon deliver babies are like drones... w your package... before programmed to fly to you they might be in a chairlift hooky military (like birds do lol) can drones swim yet? unnecessary since it wouldn't be a shortcut but def water proof packaging. what if ppl had nets and tried to catch them to take? maybe kids playing games but idk... r we paying this insurance? so penalty for this. I think drones should do something else with their time instead like be the servers of your cocktail at the beach first... then we'll see. a floating spritzer and fan, so maybe they go fetch for us... they would become a communication tool for customers, they sit inside the umbrella and when told to do something, they go do it. Then we would be blaming robots for their malfunctions and a new job of testing these things would happen by someone every morning. I picture it, the diff weights of things affecting it and the clumsiness of the robot and the option for a human instead even lololol Its not a GoGoGadget world yet but maybe if one day a year we can allow it. helicopter head to fly, we r oh so close! Like an umbrella chair, the handle is the seat, the umbrella helicopter above, we go, we won't be allowed to go very fast, thats fine til we r ready to go faster and know the guy to rig it.
Ok, enough. Goodnight. and if we can do all that we might as well make a lil ballerina security guard in our jewelry box, one who will tattle tell about who was there and shit.

Whats Vana White in 2020 wearing?

Ive been needing to come here and share... my idea now is to turn the big wheel of fortune on this thing and like a YIN YANG... just go the other direction. its like the wheel of a ship for some reason and its hard to turn it bc all the pressure to go a certain way has been built up to keep that momentum but now you have to steer it to the light.... its a way I see I can keep on instead of running away and starting a new blog... the way we usually re-invent ourselves... we start over.

So much cool stuff to make! so much amazing things to discover, wonderful ppl to yet meet, experiences to learn from, so much light and the fight to keep our light cuz if the steering is going towards the light it cant also drive towards the dark! So Ive discovered a way that might work! Maybe you knew already>? but I had to learn it for myself and so here I am, pretty proud to finally be here. its like as if the Truman Show of ppl around me had to keep quiet about the secret bc ... bc maybe I asked them to before I got to living the challenge I dont fucking know! Im not like them LOL but what If I turn into THEM and not say anything when naturally I feel like I should! Its So Hard! LOL My channel is too open. this is the gift and it comes with a punishment... we can think of more examples for traits that are GOOD but in extreme forms can be bad. like being too honest is TOO honest so ok say the truth but ,,, u get it. same with too generous, or very disciplined, a well mannered person can be too mannered that it can be annoying even LOL. I just know it can be bc I know it all exists and its all like this! Lets think of what cant be like this... ok, a good painter cant be too much of a good painter. so its about action. Can an organized person be too organized>? YES! prob bc, I imagine that they would suffer wo order around. like imagine taking them to Burning Man in your RV they would need to be in their own tent and fine suffer, suffering is growth, suffereing from what u cant have or achieve is like nature u gota deal with things not always going your way. so too this, too that, too talented for instance... she better be successful! What the fuck r u gona do all talented and not be able to apply it to be successful>? thats talent in a box waiting to POP and thats a shame. Like money laundring backwards,,, you can make a bunch but you cant bc whatever u cant... its a stupid reason probably... its just not what shes good at. SO where r the other mother fuckers at? the ones who fit into the puzzle? They are shy, they are unaware of their own potential to help and offer themselves... they are lacking imagination and need to be like set up and escorted to this job and told what exactly they need to do and how much money they will make and they wanaanknow how many hrs of their time this is gona take and shit.... this is the team we gota be TEAM with. UNLIT with the LIGHT cuz they are in 2019 still.

Im not worried anymore. The trash has the potential to be an artists GOLD. After school activities should be held at the thrift stores in some back room and outside for artsy kids to play with the stuff nobody wants to buy. Thats the mission, the project and the play where to play and no new materials should be used until like college or after college or outside of stuff but not even really. Backsides of paper from businesses should be re used by students who can read the weird shit it says,,, the terminology in a law office, see it.

My laptop went missing for a sec, it should pop back but idk.

I even went to a tarot lady recently. It was like she landed on my lap, like a fairy would. She didnt tell me anything I didnt already know but confirmed a lot. the main thing was FORGIVENESS which is what happened with me and why Im ok now. I just felt and could let go, it was forgiveness. u cant force it even tho u wana do it its not gona just happen,,, its timing and its 2020 so it happened and its just time to grow up and out and like look somewhere else I guess? They say not to look at the past so much but thats all u know and the future is full of anxiety if u dont know where you are or where your going so then ur told to focus on the past and you know your brain isnt gona just stay there... u have stories and all the stories are the past! u love the stories! One major help was to "Change your story" I didnt feel like I needed to but you can change how u look at it... so the whole victim thing was like I won some award bc I wasnt the one who did anything wrong... bla bla bla but over time... u think i didnt do anything wrong? well, I cared less about the nice person I was and became a lil drunk and tainted and then like whatever the recipe for anger and sad can do to this person is that,,, in certain instances she just decides to be audacious and try something she has never done before... Oh and a bunch of revenge! So its like "why not" all of a sudden when Dude, your not that! your a good lil Catholic girl who deserves love and good friends and structure and exercise and love and more love... and your thrown around, land in the gutter, think everyone is your friend even the bumbs and your loving it! your crouching down with them in their tents interviewing them to learn why this happened to them. Then u realize that u will never understand, these ppl dont even make any sense and u cant truly ever understand bc mixed with the lies they are spewing and shit... BUT I thought to myself and realized how It is hard for everything and everyone and how maybe not all of them deserve my time and heart or even money... it wasnt even my money... it was the money I got as part of my budget to live and I was willing to give some of it to ppl who I felt needed it more. I didnt have much tho... but in my case, I knew that more would come the following week, thats nice to know. Not even a job would make me feel that way bc its like you dont know when your not going to be there anymore ... shits cut throat. Projects are temporary and anything consistant is such a gem. The trash is picked up on certain days, its one of those consistant things. Taxes on a certain time of year, I dont like that, I just have to learn more about it I guess. A lot of ppl have structured lives, I guess I have trouble wanting that bc I get tired of the monotony. I like working independantly but also with others.

I will come back to say more but Im tired now.

I am ME. TAMBONATION WORLD. move through it Goddess!

https://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/minor-arcana/suit-of-cups/five-of-cups/


I drew this card and it could not have come at a better time for me. I have been feeling this sense of remorse for all the nonsense that I have written here that isn't to help make the world a better place. It was just self expression and something for me to analyze. I haven't been going to a psychologist or on any medication and I have allowed myself to heal, I have passed through the healing,,, still haling but I am very proud of where I am now. I can't even tell you,,,, I am happier than I have ever been. I have e deep sense of peace, understanding and even love for myself that I never had before. Its like I stopped swimming against the current and Im just in more of the flow of life. I don't care who has left me, it was all part of the process and I now consider myself a HEALER. I have reached a place of knowing and of higher vibration that has filled me with love and acceptance.

I drew this card and if you read it, it might help you too. As you can tell I am very spiritual and like to take in and interpret the signs of my angels and any guidance I get. I always sign up to classes and go alone and read things that fill me with spiritual guidance and I have been through the dark and now I can see clearly and the people who are in my life now (mostly) are the true ones that need to be here. Some of the not so good ones have been of help to get me here so I am grateful for them too.

Its like a heavy weight has been lifted.

I am Happier than ever before, more sober than ever before and the self medicating I do is under control and this is what I know. I am not 100% sober yet but I am not drinking like I used to and I am more in control of my choices. I am the Goddess I am trying to be,,, all in the making and I aim high for myself. Its peace and love baby,,, its going to exude out of me and heal others that I come into contact with. I am who I want to be in this theatrical stage we call LIFE.

I am so happy that the angels heard my prayers and felt my feelings and gave me the answer. I am finally past those shitty people that only put weights on my ankles and had me ferociously swimming up for air, for my life. The illusions. The sadness. it's gone.

Im weightless and free and at peace in my own beautiful soul universe. I am rich with love. I am clean. I am happy. I am TAMARA. I am TAMMY.  I am TAMBONITA. I am TAMBONATION. I am ME.