Ok so I have come to terms with the fact that I believe I am a complete nut case. Yup, Its gotta be... I dont ahve any other explanation for it. I need to start ALL OVER but where should I start? I need to see somebody but I already know what they are gona say and hearing it wont solve ANYTHING. It has to come from ME, right? I have to be more consistant! I am over trying to do things for others when I really just need to focus on myself and getting my issues squared away.
I would have never thought that life would bring me here... I mean I have literally driven MYSELF nuts. I know that everyone else has their own issues but its not what I need to even mention! I want to get away again lol i keep running away from my problems... I keep thinking that starting somewhere will make me live like a normal person but the fact is, im not a "normal" person. I have to do what I know I have to do but Im finding it extrememly difficult. I mean, I actually do what I have to do but its like so unpredictable... i go with whatever i feel and something about that has to stop bc i have NO boundaries! I dont care taht ppl are out there like this too, that doesnt make me feel any better about the case. I know that I can improve and I am past the same old routine I put myself through! I am wasting precious time being a complete IDIOT and that doesnt FEEL good other than in that exact moment. I think about what I do and it affects me to see it when I look back and I think its so ridiculous too. I have a lot to offer, I am doing certain things right, I have my morals and my sense but my BRAIN is getting eaten alive! I want to shoot higher, I want to be more valued, I want to spend more time on doing all the things I want so much to do! I need to examine my nitch, how Im going to survive in this world and its just a mess when I notice how I am affecting those that care! Ppl that believe in me and I cant line up the shit and get it right instead of zig zags n swirls around this damn town.
I see all these absurd things happening all around me. Nobody would even believe it. Its just TOO MUCH! Their r ppl out there who wake up and do whats right and are healthy and are happy and they hit their heads too but when you are unbalanced that little hit can really knock you over! I am saying this bc some ppl need to hear it too and maybe reading it will inspire them to take a big giant step in the right direction for themselves as well.
I cant be around whats so obviously pulling me down.
The cool part is TOMORROW is always a new day... you take a warm shower, you get some rest, you eat some food, you do some exercise and your back on track like 1,2,3... now its staying there I have a difficulty with and since its been the same old crazy up n down for 10years their comes a time when nobody is gona do it for u. when its basically just u against the world!
I want to be full of life, full of whats right for ME, I want to be a self sufficient working woman bc i just have to... I always thought somebody would just take over for my parents, yes its dumb, i thought that! i thought that things would be easy like they always were. I thought that being silly and wasting time was fun and now I just have had soo much fun that its not even fun anymore. its gona be fun to make things, to do amazing work that im proud of, to give myself the real gift of life... like traveling, spas, bike riding, organized living, teamwork! motivation, beauty, intellect, great conversation, understanding, cooking a nice meal and staying home with a good movie! why has it been such absurdities and more absurdities?? enough is enough! The shit has hit the fuckin fan once again. Bc i said so... bc its not like im getting paid to be acting like this! LOL so pay me! im so good at it! why not? NOO THANK GOD NOOO! I have a blank slate of a road to walk on... and i can literally walk in circles or just grow some balls and use my compass! Nobody is gona tell me anything I dont know,... thats not the problem... the problem is I have to want it more... bc its easy to FLOAT in the Dead Sea! but its hard do dive deep down and find the pretty pearl...
Im looking for that pearl with out even LOOKING LOL... how the hell can I expect to find it?
It's nothing to be proud of.
I have things to be proud of and all i can do for now is go one step at a time in the right direction.
Lets try this again... here we goo...
No comments:
Post a Comment